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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8154 to 8178 of 8406. Go back in thread:
Posted by ednababish on August 2, 2004, at 21:01:08
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 18:10:25
Dear WAKI,
If I may be so presumptuous, I don't think you are over it. True, you are feeling lots more energetic, but the motivation is still a problem. Motivation has been one of the reasons I know I am over it. I have been researching for two classes I am teaching this fall, a paper I will give in Cambridge England in April, and writing a prospectus for an essay to be included in a compilation. Instead of thinking it's all a frightful mess, terribly complicated, incredibly intimidating, and really more than I can handle, I've been chipping away at it all a bit at a time. I set daily goals and I try to meet them in a reasonable amount of time. I am so excited to be heading back to England--I lived there in my early twenties. Two years ago I finished my dissertation and went back to Greece, my favorite palce in the whole world. Two years ago I had taken Celexa for a year--and I know that if I hadn't I would never have finished my dissertation.
What I am saying is this: you may not have the motivation at first, and you may not receive any enjoyment from the things you used to enjoy, but these are the bonuses you get after you enjoy more energy and better sleep. It took me nearly a year in both cases to feel free of depression symptoms.
I would also like to suggest that you do something completely out of character for you--something you've been afraid of or something you thought just isn't your style--it just might shock you out of your depression. And try hanging out with a 15 month old (preferable your own); they've got great way of looking at the world.
Good Luck and God Bless
Edna
Posted by mystic on August 2, 2004, at 22:11:21
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 2, 2004, at 21:01:08
Hey Edna ...great advise..I have a brand new well 3 month old grandson that when I'm feeling my worst my daughter will pick up on it and next thing you know my door is opening and they are coming in and my feelings go away for a while and I just lose myself in the wonderment of him I'm 42 almost ...haha...and it is the most special time of my life..even though I'm going through the worst time of my life with anxiety/depression it is hard to explain....
I also agree that you sometimes cant figure out that you are still depressed but it sounds like WAKI is still in her depression as she feels physically able to rally the downness and discouragement seems to be there and that is depression...
Edna great job on all your accomplishments you sound like a very determined woman...keep up the great work...Are you still on meds or are you on nothing at all??...Well thanks for sharing take care everyone...Mystic
Posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 23:01:04
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 2, 2004, at 21:01:08
Edna and Sexylexy,
You both have good points.
I don't know what type of depression I have. All of the P-docs have just called it depression and anxiety and they say they treat them all the same in general terms. My depression is a constant fatigue it felt like i was partially a sleep all day. Napping was my biggest priority I can sadly say.
The sadness came in when I vewed where I came from and what a loser I was becomming. My eating was poor and out of control, no excercise, basically worked as a workaholic and went home crashed and started the new work day. I became a couch patato that I always said it would never be me and I dispised the lack of productivity of it.
As far as meds go, wellbutrin has been the first that has given me energy, excercise, eat well and look good again.
At night I have been taking lamictal 400 mg, 80 mg stratera (this is new only 6 weeks now) The strattera appears to be making me focus more and 10 mg ambien to get my sleep pattern back.
I have shocked my life about as much as one can shock it. Quit a very well payed career, sold many prescious belongings, taking a year maybe two travelling, smelling roses, seeing quiet tranquil scenery, joined social groups, helping the needy. I do get with my nephews and neices sometimes which is that younger perspective you mentioned.
In summary I don't know if my problem is phycological or biological or both. I am not in denile I would love to change my cognitivt behavior if I just knew what it is I am supposed to change.
I hope by this posting you can see I am being productive it just lacks any emotional involvement, pleasure, motivation and more organized home managment.
I could keep pursueng these routine activities used to enjoy.However it's like visiting an out
Bottom-line is it's all a show and I enjoy none of it.
The federal funded research expermentation I am going through covers all meds and 2 visits per week. This program does not have therapy. I do have insurance that would cover a group therapy.
What exactly is the type of therapy I need? I don't like generalizing things but I do want my Motivation, drive, zest for life, productive and organized life style back.
I don't think they have a therapy class for that do they?
Is there a good self help book I should be reading?
I have been keeping distant from potential relationships beacsue I don't want to drag a sweet lady into my transistion.
I think it would be very interesting if I met a woman who is also going through this type of transistion. This way we could push and motivate each other.
It still gets back to me socializing with people in the same stage in life as I though. But where?
As far as everyone else is concerned, I did a 180 degree turn, look great appear to feel great and am great to be around.
The sad part about all of it is the truth is I only have more energy and the rest of these things came about because I knew I used to enjoy them. I also lnew they were the correct things to do to start to get my life back. I really don't enjoy them though, I just pretend to.
I was contenplating going to law school but am questioning it now until I get my emotional act together.
I know I rambled on but I did not want to leave any rock ub turned in the case someone coulf offer me avfvise on where to go in the Chicago area.
Posted by robot on August 2, 2004, at 23:19:57
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 18:10:25
I know exactly how you feel--the stressful uncertainty of knowing exactly what it is you feel now (THEY call it depression) and what the heck it is thats missing that you want to get back. The quirk of depression is it takes away all perspective about who you are, what the world is--things you take for granted when undepressed, but when depressed become ungrippable and, finally, hardly recallable.
The idea Im putting my faith in is that when I become undepressed, I will know it. I remind myself that before, when I have felt quite good, suddenly I knew what had been missing and that, yes, it HAD been missing (whatever it is).
So if wondering if youre depressed is a big question for you, I think that means youre still depressed. Its simple but makes sense to me.
Posted by ednababish on August 3, 2004, at 11:17:35
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 23:01:04
Dear WAKI,
I suggest one on one therapy through any university counselling center (they probably have a good one at Northwestern)--you will probably be charged on a sliding scale, which means you pay what you can afford. I think you need to get at the roots of this problem, so that means you'll be in it for the long haul. You will be asked to explore: why do you feel the way you do, what early experiences have aided and abetted persistant feelings of "blah," what traumas did you suffer as a child. But don't stop there and dwell on them--work on changing how you think about things--if you beat up on yourself like I do, find out not only why you do that but also start working on re-shaping your reaction to dis-appointment. And finally, as silly as this may sound, and especially when it comes from some one who does not follow their own advice, go anywhere spiritual--an orthodox church, mass, any temple (jewish, hindu, buddhist), a mosque, a wiccan ceremony, but not just church, and feed your soul because it does sound to me like your soul needs a bit of feeding. Other than that, as I said it could take up to a full year for the depression to have receeded--try to take one day at a time, give yourself one treat a day, and soon you will look up and say, "Wow, I just strung together a week or a month of good days! I feel pretty OK!
We are thinking about you and here for you.
Edna
Posted by sexylexy on August 3, 2004, at 18:26:52
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 23:01:04
WAKI~
My two cents about your therapy. If I were you I would either go with Cognitive Behavioral. CB says that your thoughts influence your mood which influences your behaviors. Seems like you have conqured some of the behavior part but the thoughts and mood are still there. If you are thinking badly about yourself you are going to be in a sad mood. The CB will teach you to re-learn how to think which will infulence your moods ect. Find a good therapist...one you click with and can trust!
Best of luck!
Lexy
Posted by Peggyjo on August 3, 2004, at 19:03:26
In reply to Re: Lexapro Withdrawal Dizziness, posted by FRND4LF on July 30, 2003, at 14:01:21
> Hello,
> I was put on 10 mg of Lexapro in Sept. 2002. I do not think there is such a term, but I believe I had situational depression. My marriage experienced the darkest part of it's 12 years. For the first time in my life I was going back to bed in the daytime. The Lexapro did not get rid of the problems, but it helped me handle them. I never intended to be on Lexapro forever. The prescribing Dr. said a year would be all I needed. My marriage may not be perfect but it is healing. I have a new doctor (we moved across country) and at my request he gave me instructions for going off this medication. For 5 days I took 5mg and then off completely. It is day 4 of no Lexapro and emotionally I feel better than I have in a while.....but physically I am coming un-glued. The electric shocks, big head feeling, dizziness and distance perception are horrible. I called my new Dr. and was told these symptoms are because I really do need to be on the drug. He wants me to stay on the 10 mg a day. Huh?????
> Did I miss something or am I being led to believe once on an anti-depressant, always on an anti-depressant? This means that any time you experience a withdrawal symptom it means you really need the drug, be it Lexapro...cigarettes...alcohol etc? Yes, I am usually this sarcastic when I am mad! I called the office back and told them, no...I am not going back on Lexapro. I have not gone through 4 days of hell just to start over again down the road. All I wanted was a suggestion for making this transition a bit less uncomfortable. The office told me they could not help, and if the symptoms continued to go to the ER. So here I am, feeling pretty horrible, with no one to say hey...try this or do this. My husband is in the medical field. He believes that my new Dr. may be a bit worried about potential legal issues. I made it clear that I feel emotional strong, just physically falling apart. If there is nothing that can help this, so be it. Just don't make me stay on a drug I really don't feel I need anymore. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Prayers are always good too!I was put on Lexapro after finishing chemo for cancer. That was a year ago. I thought I should be off it too. I tapered down from 10mg to 5mg to every other day for a week. Then off all together. Since then I have had these funny sensations in my head and by body itches all the time. Now that my doctor has told me that these are withdrawal symptoms and that they will probably last a month or more I am not worried about having cancer in my brain. It is conforting to read on the Internet all the problems other people are having. I intend to stay the course and never go back on again. The symptoms do not keep me from doing my regular things but my head sure feels swoozy! Peggyjo
Posted by mystic on August 3, 2004, at 21:47:43
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by sexylexy on August 3, 2004, at 18:26:52
Wow that is not very encouraging about the going off the lex and having all these problems and your dr wont help you...I think that you shouldve probably gone down a little slower as I have been told everytime I talk about going off these meds and the possible side effects that everyone talks about and my dr always says that at the time it needs to be very slowly and you can eliminate these problems..I do not know that this is true as I have not gone off yet and cant tell you...just passing on what I was told...I will pray for you and for you pain to end ..I hope that you do well and keep us posted..I have heard of the side effects that you describe mentioned many time though if that helps...A friend mystic
Posted by Missy K on August 4, 2004, at 6:46:37
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by sexylexy on August 3, 2004, at 18:26:52
Hi everyone.
I was posting earlier this year when my doctor put me on Lexapro to treat SAD. Well, apparently it was not SAD, and I am back on the drug. And experiencing all the side effects I had before. Ugh. This was one place I could come before where you all understood, so hello again.Missy
Posted by mystic on August 4, 2004, at 7:24:32
In reply to Re: New to Lexapro and feeling awful » jjana, posted by worrywort on May 13, 2003, at 12:43:06
Welcome Missy...Glad that you feel that this is one place that you can come for help...You probably see all new posts since then and some of the same people are probably gone but we are here and we can help..SO good luck..You had good luck in the first try with lex??...Hopefully this time will be smooth as you know it does take time..so post when you need some reassurance..take care and have a great day....Mystic
Posted by LynneDa on August 4, 2004, at 9:11:41
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Missy K on August 4, 2004, at 6:46:37
Hi Missy - Welcome! Hang in there, you can get through those first few yucko weeks!! Did your doctor decide it wasn't SAD because your depression continued no matter what the season? Did the Lexapro help whatever was happening to you then?
Take care!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hi everyone.
> I was posting earlier this year when my doctor put me on Lexapro to treat SAD. Well, apparently it was not SAD, and I am back on the drug. And experiencing all the side effects I had before. Ugh. This was one place I could come before where you all understood, so hello again.
>
> Missy
Posted by Sebastian on August 4, 2004, at 12:11:52
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 2, 2004, at 18:10:25
Stop taking your meds and see what happens. Thats how you know if the depression ended. If your life goes out of control again, it has not.
Posted by Missy K on August 4, 2004, at 13:33:06
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended? » Missy K, posted by LynneDa on August 4, 2004, at 9:11:41
I talked to my mother, it seems depression and anxiety disorders run in my family...on both sides. The Lex did help, a lot, when I took it last time. My doc offered to put me on something else, but I'm already a bit uncomfortable messing with my brain, I'd rather stick to what I know. So, here's hoping...thanks for the nice greetings.
Posted by AMD on August 5, 2004, at 20:33:42
In reply to Re: Lexapro and Celexa, posted by sexylexy on July 28, 2004, at 16:51:01
Just got put on 10 mg of Lexapro in addition to 60 mg of Celexa (which I lower from 80 mg). I've been on Celexa for years, just recently on 80 mg though. Also on 200 mg of Lamictal. All once per day, in the morning.
I drank last weekend (a tiny amount of alcohol, say a shot glass worth of vodka, max) and sunk into a /killer/ depression -- even perhaps a bit of a mixed episode -- which has subsisted until today. I think the Celexa just might not be working any longer. So my doctor added a bit of Lexapro to the mix. So I am hoping the addition of the Lexapro is enough to bring me out of these down periods (some ups, mainly normal ups, but mostly severe depression).
Anyone have experiences when adding Lexapro to a current Celexa prescription. How soon does the Lexapro's added effect (if any) start to kick in?
TIA,
a
Posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 3, 2004, at 11:17:35
Hi,
Edna, I'm curious what made you assume I was near Northwestern?
There are some really good replys for my posting I sincerely appreciate it from all of you. I have made 1 change today from these replys and will defenetly need to do more.
My depression is a high fatigue type disorder. My father had this also now that I look back. Without the help of a Norepinephrine reuptake supplement I will eat myself to obesety and sleep until my life is destroyed.
The particular Norepinephrine help aid I am taking is Wellbutrin. It was the first drug out of 3 years of experimentation that worked.
This wellbutrin allows me to work out, return back to normal weight, control my eating habits, feel good about myself and stay awake all day and get out in the world. I have fell a sleep during the day from what I can remember for the last 25 years.This last 3 weeks has been the deepest low I have encountered in a long time. I attribute it to the Strattera which I now stopped today.
What I gather from all of you are:
1) Try without meds, I have many times and I fall deep into severe depression. Hence this is not a option.
2) If I don't know if I'm out of depression I am probably not. This is a good point. Although I have energy I am not motivated nor happy (more emotionless). Tomorrow I am going to start a dopamine reuptake AD. This is supposed to help motivation and pleasure, I'll know in a couple weeks hopefully.
3) Therapy. Edna, I'll ask my P-doc about this. I don't know if this will be allowable because it may skew my results. You see I am in a multi University medical research treatment program, and my particular experiment did not include therapy.
If I was to seek therapy, is there something called "Post Depression" or something?Thanks for the replies, I sure hope this next week improves without this Strattera because this was defenetly a strong setback.
Thanks and cheers to all of you!
WAK,PS: somebody thought I was a female, interesting because being a male it may mean I have a feminine side.... (Thats good right)? :)
Posted by AMD on August 6, 2004, at 17:33:15
In reply to On Celexa and Lexapro, posted by AMD on August 5, 2004, at 20:33:42
Chemist, any input on this?
a
Posted by mystic on August 6, 2004, at 19:33:21
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
Hey WAKI..good for you...you asked everyone answered and you listened..I'd say that you are well on your way...I hope that you get the help that you need...I"m a big advocate for therapy as I think if you find the right therapist it will make all the difference to hopefully get on with our lives...Right now I'm doing EMDR and it is working well for me ...and I'm finally after many years 20 at least years of on again off again therapy I have finally found someone that helps...I wish the same for you I hope that you continue to post and best of luck to you...Your freind Mystic
Posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
In reply to RE::: Wow, posted by mystic on August 3, 2004, at 21:47:43
Hi everyone. Sorry about your loss Mrs. C. and sorry about the dog. (I forgot whose dog died - but loosing a pet is so hard).
Anyway, I have a 15 year old daughter on luvox for anxiety and depression. she has been on meds. for 4 years. Talk about depressing. Tonight she is sitting in front of the computer crying and won't tell anyone what her sorrow is. It bothers me that she seems so unhappy and refuses help of any kind. She vehemently refuses therapy - it doesn't help and she has her friends to help anyway. I just hope that when she is older, she can get the help she needs - in therapy and maybe in defining her emotions so her meds might work better.
I just don't understand how such a young girl can be this unhappy. It makes me wonder if we were this unhappy back then but we had to bury the feelings because it was not acceptable to go around crying and breaking down. Maybe that's why I am/was so messed up because I could never express my feelings as a child. But, then again, my daughter expresses her feelings, and she sure seems messed up anyway.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just don't know what to do to help.
Posted by mystic on August 6, 2004, at 21:01:03
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hey calico...I had the same problem with my daughter she was a exceptional child she never gave me an ounce of trouble here whole life..we did go through the usual teenager stuff and it was around 15..so you are right on schedule...But after high school she was depressed also her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her 1 week before graduation and I think it just set her off..she was depressed then became anorexic from the shock of why they broke up there was really no reason for it..so she blamed it on her weight which she never had a problem with..>all you can do is be there for her when she wants to talk it is sooooo hard that is all I could do ...and your heart breaks you think that you did everything right and that is the problem these children can have these problems even if you are the best parents..she is great daughter and now has a child of her own and is very very happy so just be patient you can get through the rough times just be there and try not to be too pushy..good luck ...Mystic
Posted by ednababish on August 7, 2004, at 9:24:18
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by WAKI on August 6, 2004, at 14:50:24
Dear WAKI,
I assumed you were near Northwestern because you said something about being around Chicago--at least I thought you did. I have a Ph.D from SIU, so I know all about Chicago since nearly all of my students came from there! You are in a clinical trial at a university--is it Northwestern? I am not sure that therapy will skew your results--therapy takes a whole lot longer than medication, and the medication isn't all that quick, either. It took me a year of various and sundry stuff to feel like it's all lifted--and at least 3 months on 20mgs of lexapro--and I've been in therapy on and off for ten years. The first few years involved digging around to examine how I feel and think in self-defeating ways--definitely not an agenda to uplift the spirits.
Be that as it may, I would ask about it--and if the answer is no, I would look for therapy opportunities elsewhere anyway. Why? Because your mental health is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than anyone's study. If you don't take care of yourself, then who will? Now perhaps Lexy will take me to task for this answer since she's a mental health professional, but I stick by this answer. Your first priority is to you, and when it comes to getting healthy your first priority needs to be getting you healthy.
Keep us informed,
Edna
Posted by Mrs. C on August 8, 2004, at 21:56:07
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hi Calico,
How awful for your daughter to feel so sad. But she is very lucky to have such an understanding parent. Keep supporting her and encouraging her to express those emotions. The teenage years are so difficult for young girls these days. The pressure is overwhelming sometimes I bet. I hope that she gets the help she needs. Thanks for the condolences by the way. Mrs. C
Posted by LynneDa on August 9, 2004, at 9:46:43
In reply to RE::: teenagers, posted by calico cat on August 6, 2004, at 19:51:57
Hi Calico Cat -
I feel for you! My daughter is only 8 and already she is showing signs of heavy emotions that I am afraid may be the beginning signs of a serious problem. It is so hard to stand by & watch when you've done all you can to help them, isn't it?!?The fact that you are willing to listen and make yourself available is a HUGE plus!!! I do wonder about why more kids are diagnosed with mental illnesses these days. I know awareness and lessening of stigma is a big part of it. But, I think there is much more pressure now than when we were younger. Also, in our wired world, information is more accessible and some of that can be harmful.
She says she has her friends to talk to and that is wonderful! I know some girls who don't have close friends like that and their pain is compounded by feeling rejected by peers.
Just wanted to let you know I hear ya! Your love and presence in her life will make a difference!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hi everyone. Sorry about your loss Mrs. C. and sorry about the dog. (I forgot whose dog died - but loosing a pet is so hard).
>
> Anyway, I have a 15 year old daughter on luvox for anxiety and depression. she has been on meds. for 4 years. Talk about depressing. Tonight she is sitting in front of the computer crying and won't tell anyone what her sorrow is. It bothers me that she seems so unhappy and refuses help of any kind. She vehemently refuses therapy - it doesn't help and she has her friends to help anyway. I just hope that when she is older, she can get the help she needs - in therapy and maybe in defining her emotions so her meds might work better.
>
> I just don't understand how such a young girl can be this unhappy. It makes me wonder if we were this unhappy back then but we had to bury the feelings because it was not acceptable to go around crying and breaking down. Maybe that's why I am/was so messed up because I could never express my feelings as a child. But, then again, my daughter expresses her feelings, and she sure seems messed up anyway.
>
> Thanks for letting me vent. I just don't know what to do to help.
Posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by ednababish on August 7, 2004, at 9:24:18
Edna,
What is the name of the therapy I am supposed to seek? In other words am I looking for a post depression type of therapy? General Depression type therapy? Group therapy? Solo type therapy?
I feel better then I have in 25 years just by starting these meds in the last three years, in which something appears o be starting to work.
I'm far from well (normal) or what ever it is they call it. I have no idea what to ask for. I guess I could just ask the referral department, but was hoping possibly you can recommend.
I also find it interesting of your credentials. I had a girlfriend about 4 years ago who also had a PhD in Psych. She was strongly against treating depression with medication. I lost contact with her, but I often wondered just how people can get passed a serious depression without meds. It answered the question for me just by you sharing with me you were taking a med. Some people can and some people cannot get better with med's I guess is the answer.
There's know doubt in my mind I need therapy; it's the correct type that’s difficult to find.
I am in a situation I believe will require lot's of therapy. This improved feeling I have is something I have never felt in 25 years.
I have hidden my illness very well from others and myself. What’s odd is I had some serious relationships with some doctors and one psych. nurse and none of them picked up that I was so messed up.
Ignorant me thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought everyone lived in a pressure cooker, felt bad, shakes at night and faked that everything was just grand like I did.
As I look back now 25 years has been sadly wasted of me thinking I will feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow just never came. Tomorrow became next week, next month, next year and finally never.
Finally three years ago I wrote my last will and testament purchased a cemetery plot and neatly organized the end. I planned everything to perfection. I planned that my end will not take anyone’s time, nor bother them. I planned to leave this earth very quietly. I thought I had it all figured out.
One day I was searching the internet for something or another that had to do with something probably depressing. I came across this message board and read some threads. I then took some self help tests IE for anxiety on the internet.
I then was reading a magazine and saw an ad from an anxiety recovery clinic describing how I felt.
I enrolled, and was shocked how sick and messed up I was with depression, ADHD and anxiety. In fact I was so shocked that I got worse. I got worse because not knowing what the matter is was not as bad as knowing what’s the matter.
It's kind of like knowing you have cancer is worse then not knowing because somehow it degrades what life is left. (This is all in an irrational mode of thinking obviously).
All I kept thinking was I was "one of those crazy people" you hear about. They advised me to see a psychiatrist, and it changed my life.
I never was able to articulate what I was feeling because I did not have a reference of what "feeling good /normal meant".
Being in the group opened my eyes that I was extremely ill and there could be hope and I was not alone.
The therapy and the medication are really starting to pay off. I read a book about President Bush changing is life after 40. I figured if he could so can I.
I walked away from a hefty 6 figure salary career. Practically sold everything I had to start fresh and simple. I spend everyday experiencing things to get me well, that a bank cannot measure.
Running on the beach in the morning or spending time with a battered abused child sure feels better then driving 2 hours each way to work drinking coffee and talking on a cell phone responding to pager.
Heck, I don't even have a cell phone anymore.
People thought I went off the deep end. Now people are looking at me with amazement and shaking my hand with the new me. How ironic, people are asking me what the secret is... I always thought I was the one to look at with how not to feel.
I just wrote a book, acquired some patents on some projects I had. Studying for the LSAT and considering law school. Am planning a trip to Europe by myself next spring. Training in the gym. All from just taking a small pill, go figure? One small pill can take a person from living hell to just plain old living. I now wonder who else might be missing the boat for the ride. I wonder who else has one foot in the grave and does not know any better.
It's difficult for me to grasp that I felt as bad and as lost as I did for so long.
It's frustrating to not understand how I missed the signals just how ill I was...
I keep wondering how successful I would have been if I was not sick for the last 25 years.
It is an empty feeling to look back and see all the good things I walked away from without a second thought. Heck I did not even know why I walked away from all the good things and people because I did not know what feeling good meant.
I have come to the conclusion that I need help to channel all this energy I have in the correct direction.
I used to always hear the phrase that love and hate are extremely close in emotions.
During the last three years I've learned that a living hell and a living heaven are just as close...
I got this special delivery package one day. Everybody was asking me why I was receiving a package from the Whitehouse.
George Bush is a really nice guy. He wrote me a personal letter acknowledging me that IU used him as a role model to change my life.
It's a little frustrating that I don't feel comfortable telling people why the president wrote me.
The flip side of the coin really makes me feel good though. To know the president is the only one who knows my full story with my name is kind of a neat feeling.
It's interesting that these message boards on the internet highway really do help people.
Keep motivating people there are many more to be saved.
Posted by LynneDa on August 10, 2004, at 8:50:02
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
WOW. I am sitting at my desk reading your message with tears in my eyes. I am incredibly moved by your story of loss and recovery. How wonderful that this board started your trip back from the edge of the grave, literally. People can start their lives and make themselves over again at ANY age and you are living proof of that. What satisfaction and pride you must feel (& most deservedly)! I feel sad and sorry that you had to suffer through 25 years of living the way you did - and I know you are not alone in that - but feel such joy at knowing the discoveries and progress you've made!! I hope your recovery is like the Energizer bunny - just keeps going and going and going ... :-)
Thank you for sharing. I hope many more people on this Board get the chance to read your story.
~ Lynne
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Posted by ednababish on August 10, 2004, at 12:48:33
In reply to Re: How do you know Depression ended?, posted by Waki on August 9, 2004, at 23:20:09
Dear Waki,
I am flattered that this e-mail was in response to something I wrote. But I really don't have any credentials--my Ph.D. is in English literature (specialties in Shakespeare, psychoanalysis, film, philosophical theory). All I know is that the meds have made me functional in a way I had never been before. I tend to wallow in self-doubt, and they take the self-doubt away--or at least suppress my impulse to wallow in it. I'm not so prone to paralysis from indecision either--I'm not afraid to try or to not try. Like you, I never felt normal and had no idea what it felt like to be normal. I'm still not sure I do, but I know that I'm not alone, that most people have moments of self doubt (but not lifetimes of it!), that other people find the world as bewildering and overwhelming as I still sometimes do.
As for therapy, as I said before I went for about five years to one guy who was occasionally known to doze off after lunch and during my session. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong with me, or what he thought was wrong with me--he'd just say, "What do you think is wrong with you?" to which I would reply, "If I knew, would I be here?" Don't get me wrong, he was a great guy, but the point I am making is this--just find a one on one therapist and go--tell him/her what your life-long problems have been, what your family history is, what diagnoses you have received, and what medications you are currently taking. Then you and he/she will work toward an understanding of the underlying causes of your problems--depression is one part personal brain chemistry, one part family history, and one part social conditioning, and therapy works on the conditioning part. You only need to go into therapy knowing that feeling crappy was a lifelong tendency--they'll help with the rest!
Good luck,
Edna
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