Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 253823

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Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by ryan123 on March 26, 2004, at 13:56:22

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123, posted by Sad Panda on March 26, 2004, at 3:39:10

Viridis,

I'm glad you qualified my standpoint. I didn't mean to scare away people from klonopin that really need it.

Sad Panda,

What's an AD? I really want to get off benzos altogether, but my anxiety and depression is unmanagable without them.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123

Posted by Fred23 on March 26, 2004, at 18:59:40

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by ryan123 on March 25, 2004, at 15:56:39

> Benzos don't make me a total zombie. Just a half zombie.

This is what happened to Stevie Nicks, but it may be that Xanax is less of a zombifier than Klonopin.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123

Posted by Sad Panda on March 27, 2004, at 12:11:51

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by ryan123 on March 26, 2004, at 13:56:22

AD is Antidepressant. The AD's I am taking are helping me with my social anxiety. Doctors favour using AD's for treating Anxiety these days & for some people this is good. For others, Benzos are choice & some people use a combination of both.

Cheers,
Panda.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by awatts on March 27, 2004, at 12:39:33

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123, posted by Sad Panda on March 27, 2004, at 12:11:51

> AD is Antidepressant. The AD's I am taking are helping me with my social anxiety. Doctors favour using AD's for treating Anxiety these days & for some people this is good. For others, Benzos are choice & some people use a combination of both.
>
> Cheers,
> Panda.
>
For some reason, British doctors, especially, are reluctant to prescribe benzos for SAD, even though they are usually safer and almost always more effective for anxiety. The exception (and it's a big one) is if you are prone to drug abuse.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by MSTROU1 on March 27, 2004, at 16:48:46

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by awatts on March 27, 2004, at 12:39:33

I'm prescribed Buspar, Lexa-Pro (an AD), Klonopin (benzo), Neurontin, and Abilify. So far the combo's working and I don't want to get off of Klonopin either. If anything, I'd like to drop the Abilify.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by ryan123 on March 28, 2004, at 0:13:55

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by MSTROU1 on March 27, 2004, at 16:48:46

Oh. Anti-depressant. Yeah. I'm on a couple of those.

The reason the doc wanted me off klonopin in the first place is because I'm a recovering alcoholic, therefore I have substance abuse issues (even though I never took extra tranqs to get high).

My best combo of drugs was paxil, trazodone, and klonopin. I had a great summer in 2002 with that mixture.

Right now I'm on paxil, trazodone, oxazepam, seroquel, propanalol, and tegretol. If you think I'm taking too many pills, I agree, but my shrink doesn't.

I have been through with klonopin withdrawals since the beginning of February, but I feel worse than I did before quitting it.

My brain functions at a lower level with benzos in my system. My creativity is worse, my memory is worse, my reasoning is worse, and I'm worse at Jeopardy. But damnit all, I feel so much better with klonopin.

After going through 7 weeks of withdrawals, I feel stupid for thinking of getting back on it.

The insane thing about everything is that at night, I've been drinking one to five shots of vodka. I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I shouldn't be doing this, but I am more energetic the next day and my brain functions at a higher level.

In fact, when I was a constant drinker five to seven years ago, I got straight A's as an applied math major at a respected college. Since I've been taking benzos, I'm flunking out of classes wherein the math level is predominantly lower than it was in the math major at a class such as Calc III.

I wish everything was more cut and dry in deciding which path to take. If I was a horse, I would've been shot by now. No decision.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin Viridis

Posted by Pluto on March 28, 2004, at 0:21:44

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123, posted by Viridis on March 26, 2004, at 3:02:09

Dear Viridis,

I have been following your threads most of the times here in this board. I would say you have a very level headed approach to those extremely sensitive things like benzo vs SSRIs. Meanwhile I am just curious how long have you been taking klonopin and what is the strength? I have been taking Rivotril (Klonopin in U.S) for the past six years and now am on a self induced free period from this stuff. My dosage was somewhere between 1.5 to 2mg a day. Tapering took only fifteen days and even after a month of off Rivotril, it really wonders me I am not experiencing any withdrawal symptoms other than a slight return of the anxiety that first led me to Rivotril. But this time the anxiety is not so severe because I think my living environment has changed a lot and stress at work is more manageable now. Still I think if anxiety is getting uncontrollable I will surely fill the prescription which is left with me. The horror stories of short term memory loss and other blabberings really amaze me, because my memory was quite sharp while I was on klonopin and interestingly I am experiencing some forgetfulness now on this off period. I think my diagnosis should have been CFIDS rather than social phobia. In CFIDS patients, rivotril has shown to improve cognitive performance.
Just curious here. Can you answer the first couple of questions I asked?
Percy. LS

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123

Posted by Pluto on March 28, 2004, at 0:32:31

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by ryan123 on March 28, 2004, at 0:13:55

Dear Ryan,

It is very difficult to distinguish which drug is zombifying you since you are taking a lot of drugs. Trazodone is notorious for drugged feeling. Regarding klonopin, it depends on the dosage and how you take them. It is long acting and if you take your full quota at night, the chances it will have any detrimental effect on your congnitive function next day is less. But every patient is different. I can take most of my klonopin in the morning and paradoxically it improves my cognitive function.
Percy.LS

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin Pluto

Posted by Viridis on March 28, 2004, at 1:47:16

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin Viridis, posted by Pluto on March 28, 2004, at 0:21:44

Hi Pluto,

Thanks for the supportive comments! I take 1 mg clonazepam/day and have for almost 3 years. After the first couple of weeks, I had no side effects whatsoever. Now it just allows me to think more clearly, without the recurring anxiety -- definitely not a "dumbing" med for me (it seems to sharpen my mental acuity). It was a bit sedating at first, but that stopped quickly.

Interesting that you call it Rivottril -- are you Canadian? I am, but have lived in the U.S. for years

Regardless, I find Klonopin (= Rivotril = clonazepam) very helpful. If I go without it though, I experience severe anxiety after a day or so, so I assume that I've become dependent on it . However, when my pdoc asked whether the "withdrawal" anxiety was any worse than the anxiety and panic attacks that I experienced before taking it, I had to say (quite honestly), probably not.

As I just posted in another thread here, I suspect that some of us could reduce or eliminate the meds if we just adjusted our lifestyles to fit our personalities. But this is extremely difficult for many of us, including me.. In the meantiime (while I'm sorting out my life) I rely on the meds and have a great psychiatrist who understands my situation.

The following sort of relates to your post too: I always carry Xanax (alprazolam) with me (usually in my pocket) in case of severe anxiety. Yet I only take it a couple of times a month. Probably 1/3 of it (at least) winds up going through the wash etc. and being lost. But it sure is nice to have it, just in case. It sounds like you might respond well by just taking clonazepam with you in case of a bad situation However, of all the benzos, it seems the safest to take daily, and if a gradual taper is necessary to discontinue it, so be it.

All the best,

Viridis

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by silmarilone on March 28, 2004, at 15:10:21

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by ryan123 on March 28, 2004, at 0:13:55

umm....oxazepam is a benzo. i dont see the difference in terms of your alcoholism being a factor...if klonopin works better for you than oxazepam, you should use that, because theyr'e both benzos anyway.

> The reason the doc wanted me off klonopin in the first place is because I'm a recovering alcoholic, therefore I have substance abuse issues (even though I never took extra tranqs to get high).
>
> My > Right now I'm on paxil, trazodone, oxazepam, seroquel, propanalol, and tegretol. If you think I'm taking too many pills, I agree, but my shrink doesn't.
>

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by MSTROU1 on March 28, 2004, at 17:47:44

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by silmarilone on March 28, 2004, at 15:10:21

Right now I'm on paxil, trazodone, oxazepam, seroquel, propanalol, and tegretol. If you think I'm taking too many pills, I agree, but my shrink doesn't.>>

If it makes you feel better I'm on too many also; Lexa-Pro (depression), Buspar (anxiety), Klonopin (I'm addicted...), Abilify (aggression), and Neurontin (anxiety and to help me taper Klonopin hopefully)

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by awatts on March 28, 2004, at 18:29:24

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by MSTROU1 on March 28, 2004, at 17:47:44

> Right now I'm on paxil, trazodone, oxazepam, seroquel, propanalol, and tegretol. If you think I'm taking too many pills, I agree, but my shrink doesn't.>>
>
> If it makes you feel better I'm on too many also; Lexa-Pro (depression), Buspar (anxiety), Klonopin (I'm addicted...), Abilify (aggression), and Neurontin (anxiety and to help me taper Klonopin hopefully)
>
I'm interested about the Abilify since I may be adding it to my drug soup. Does it actually make you less aggressive? Anything else you can tell me about your reaction to Abilify? How much are you taking and how long have you been on Abilify?

Thanks. I'm just reluctant to add an antipsychotic since I'm suffering from depression and anxiety, but the pdoc wants to try it.

 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin ryan123

Posted by Sad Panda on March 29, 2004, at 0:52:24

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by ryan123 on March 28, 2004, at 0:13:55

> Oh. Anti-depressant. Yeah. I'm on a couple of those.
>
> The reason the doc wanted me off klonopin in the first place is because I'm a recovering alcoholic, therefore I have substance abuse issues (even though I never took extra tranqs to get high).
>
> My best combo of drugs was paxil, trazodone, and klonopin. I had a great summer in 2002 with that mixture.
>
> Right now I'm on paxil, trazodone, oxazepam, seroquel, propanalol, and tegretol. If you think I'm taking too many pills, I agree, but my shrink doesn't.
>
> I have been through with klonopin withdrawals since the beginning of February, but I feel worse than I did before quitting it.
>
> My brain functions at a lower level with benzos in my system. My creativity is worse, my memory is worse, my reasoning is worse, and I'm worse at Jeopardy. But damnit all, I feel so much better with klonopin.
>
> After going through 7 weeks of withdrawals, I feel stupid for thinking of getting back on it.
>
> The insane thing about everything is that at night, I've been drinking one to five shots of vodka. I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I shouldn't be doing this, but I am more energetic the next day and my brain functions at a higher level.
>
> In fact, when I was a constant drinker five to seven years ago, I got straight A's as an applied math major at a respected college. Since I've been taking benzos, I'm flunking out of classes wherein the math level is predominantly lower than it was in the math major at a class such as Calc III.
>
> I wish everything was more cut and dry in deciding which path to take. If I was a horse, I would've been shot by now. No decision.
>
>

I think you need to try different AD's. I am happy with my current meds (Effexor+Remeron) primarily because they haven't altered my personality or cognitive abilities.

Why are you taking Pranpanol? Do you suffer from pannic attacks?

Cheers,
Panda.


 

Re: withdrawl from Klonopin

Posted by MSTROU1 on March 29, 2004, at 18:07:26

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by MSTROU1 on March 28, 2004, at 17:47:44

Abilify is supposedly a lot like Risperdal, except with less side-effects. It's helped me a lot with drug-induced aggression and what not. I have not noticed any side-effects, including drowsiness. The target dosage is 15 mg per day, while I'm on 10 mg per day. People are usually prescribed b/n 5 & 30 mg a day. There's no generic version, so it may be expensive, depending on your insurance. I'd say it's been very helpful though. BTW, I don't know why you're doctor's prescribing it to you, or wanting to, but normally it's prescribed for schizophrenia, which I don't have yet it's still served a purpose.

 

Re: withdrawal from Klonopin

Posted by Laura915 on March 30, 2004, at 8:17:56

In reply to Re: withdrawl from Klonopin, posted by awatts on March 28, 2004, at 18:29:24

I have been on my own road to recovery and have some suggestions for anyone who wants to get off benzos. Amino Acids.

I was prescribed a growing number of scrips over a 4-year period to deal with the aftermath of an auto accident. Oxycontin, Klonopin, Ambien, Baclofen, anti-inflammatories, Seroquel, Methocarbomol and others at various stages. On top of that, I enhanced all that with lots of alcohol. I was never informed of the side effects of the drugs I was prescribed(at the time I began, Oxycontin was hailed by my pain doc as "not addictive like other painkillers", boy was that a crock!)and I certainly wasn't told about how to detox or the intense withdrawal symptoms to expect. K

lonopin was the last drug I withdrew from and the worst, long term at least, to cope with. I did a lot of homework to find relief that is natural, since I knew just about any pharmaceutical solution would only prolong my problems and I was so ready to be myself again. Amino acids have helped me greatly.

Now that I learned the hard way about withdrawal, the relief I have gotten from amino acids while my brain chemistry gets back to normal is so wonderful. It's all about serotonin and creating more of it.

Our brains need serotonin, endorphins and dopamine to feel good without drugs or alcohol. Our bodies cannot create serotonin from nothing, the amino acids needed to produce those brain chemicals can only come from diet or supplements. Unfortunately, many of us do not get enough from the foods we eat due to low-calorie diets and poor food choices. Stress further depletes serotonin stores. The lack of serotonin sets us up for failure by creating drug, alcohol and food cravings to get us to do something to normalize the brain chemicals even if it has only temporary effects.

Drugs and alcohol can mimick the feelings of ample serotonin but they actually trick your brain into creating less, so when you try to withdraw from those feel-good drugs, the absence of serotonin is even greater than before. Many of the popular anti-depressants work by using whatever serotonin you have and pumping it up a bit, but if you're short on it anyway, it's like a 98-pound weakling going to the gym, there's only so much you can do with what you have and the side effects are often worse than the depression.

When I detoxed from Oxycontin, I remember how electric my mind became. After years of my mind being dulled, it was awake and didn't feel like sleeping for more than a couple hours a night for two weeks. My body was wracked with pain, nausea, intense restlessness, unrelenting insomnia. The first natural remedy I used was called Nutrasleep. It has GABA (nature's Valium), valerian, taurine, and other vitamins and calming herbs. For the first time in weeks I slept for a few hours without waking.

When I started tapering off Klonopin, Nutrasleep was not strong enough to overcome the multitude of withdrawal side effects and that is when I discovered amino acid supplementation. I got bits of information from many websites, but found an excellent article that explains why serotonin starvation causes us to turn to drugs and alcohol, to overeat, become anorexic/bulumic, have low pain tolerance, suffer migraines and experience deep depression. You can find it at: www.wellbeingjournal.com/protein.htm

Here's what worked for me:

L-tryptophan* - 3000 mgs/day in divided doses
(l-tryptophan starts a chain reaction as the body creates 5-HTP from it and converts that to serotonin and that is ultimately converted to melatonin. L-tryptophan is nature's Prozac without the major side effects. It is used to treat depression and insomnia. Some people take the supplement 5-HTP--the second step in the chain--but dosing is trickier since the conversion is not happening in your body. You need fewer mg's but I found it provided less overall relief than tryptophan.)

DL-Phenylanine - 1500 mgs/day in divided doses
(this amino acid supports alcohol withdrawal,reduces aggression, helps diminish physical and emotional pain and enhances tryptophan's effects on the brain.)

L-Glutamine - 1000 mgs/day in divided doses

(this amino acid supports alcohol withdrawal, suppresses appetite-especially carb cravings, helps metabolize fat, helps with mental focus-enhances effects of the other amino acids. I only take it in the day so my mind is ready to relax for sleep)

L-theanine - 2000 mgs/day in divided doses

(this one produces a calming effect on the brain and relaxes muscles but does not have a sedating effect so your mind is clear as a bell-it takes 30-40 minutes to take effect, you feel a calm come over you and your shoulders will relax like you just had a massage. I take this one frequently.)

GABA - 1500 mgs/day in divided doses

(Like I said before, this one is known as nature's Valium-it helps "balance" your brain. It also stimulates the production of Human Growth Hormone which can enhance muscle growth and reduce fat storage.)

You should be able to find all of these on-line or at your local health food stores. All of the amino acids, except L-Theanine should be taken on an empty stomach with a little carb snack which improves the absorption and prevents stomach upset. If you take them within 2 hours of either side of a meal with protein, the amino acids you take will not be able to compete with the amino acids in the protein and will not be as effective. Also, take a good B-complex vitamin once a day as B's, especially B6, enhance the effects of the amino acids. You can take L-theanine at any time since proteins do not affect its absorption. Although overdosing is uncommon, be aware of the upper recommended doses. The dosages I am taking are in the middle of the range. Initially, you should probably aim for those dosages and tinker with the right combination for you. Maintenance doses can be lower, once you get past the withdrawal period.

Like you would with any supplement, make sure you read about any conditions you have that would be advisable to avoid supplements or drug interactions with current meds. You should not take MAOI's when taking the amino acids and some anti-depressants should be avoided if taking amino acids. Because these are natural body chemicals, side effects are typically few or none and relief can be immediate. I had 50% relief my first day and it gradually improved each day for at least a couple weeks. I feel calm, relaxed, not in pain, I can even say I feel HAPPY again.

When I first started tapering off Klonopin, I spent four weeks in physical and mental agony before I discovered the amino acid therapy. I started at 3 mgs/a day (quite a bit for a small woman) and ten weeks later am now drug-free. I was able to be a little more aggressive with my tapering schedule and still not miss a day of work. I haven't eliminated all of the withdrawal side effects, but my symptoms are under control while my brain recovers.

Interestingly enough, I believe I have always been serotonin-starved. I had migraines from age 3, have been anorexic and bulimic, prone to drug and alcohol dependence, all attributable to lack of serotonin. Now that I understand the possible reasons why, I know how to prevent it from happening for the rest of my life and I can finally stop being a "patient".

I don't know if this will help anyone, but I have scoured these message boards and haven't seen this suggested by either professionals or others trying to taper off drugs or alcohol, so I would love to hear if anyone has tried this and if it was successful.


*You may read where l-tryptophan was removed by the FDA from the consumer market in 1989 (due to one foreign company creating contaminated supplements that many fell ill from)and was only approved for US non-prescription sale again recently. The problem was isolated to the one company and was due to a change in their processing procedures-they skipped a couple critical steps-but tryptophan continued to be available in Canada and by prescription in the states and is used in manufacturing baby food, liquid food supplements, and pet food. (Another interesting side note, Prozac, a then-new anti-depressant was introduced just four days after the l-tryptophan ban. Some believe it wasn't just a coincidence and that the ban was politically motiviated--big drug companies' interests helped ensure the ban to eliminate competition. L-tryptophan was used for depression without incident for years.)

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 0:30:57

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD) shadows721, posted by Adia on September 4, 2003, at 22:46:50

First time here. I have a child dx with complete PTSD four years ago. Up until her symptoms she had always seemed happy and well adjusted. She does not even look like the same person she use to.She has been on every mediation,been in one of the best units in the US,therapy twice a week for four years and still hallucinates, has flashbacks,nightmares,can't sleep(uses heavy medication for sleep)seems to be without emotions and can't concentrate.She freq. falls asleep and I think the worst thing for her is almost constant recurring thoughts. Her abuser in in prison although not for the crimes committed against her and will be released soon. She has good family support and we pray for her daily but she has lost her faith. I pray for peace for all of you for you don't deserve to suffer from the acts of others. Any suggestions you could give me as a family member would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
God Bless
Ruru

 

Re: New here and sharing a bit

Posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 0:41:02

In reply to Re: New here and sharing a bit, posted by RT on November 4, 2003, at 19:59:04

Medication doen't work the same for everyone. My daughter used Clonidine while coming of Klonopin and had no problems. Good luck!
God Bless
Ruru

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by snapper on April 2, 2004, at 0:48:15

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 0:30:57

> First time here. I have a child dx with complete PTSD four years ago. Up until her symptoms she had always seemed happy and well adjusted. She does not even look like the same person she use to.She has been on every mediation,been in one of the best units in the US,therapy twice a week for four years and still hallucinates, has flashbacks,nightmares,can't sleep(uses heavy medication for sleep)seems to be without emotions and can't concentrate.She freq. falls asleep and I think the worst thing for her is almost constant recurring thoughts. Her abuser in in prison although not for the crimes committed against her and will be released soon. She has good family support and we pray for her daily but she has lost her faith. I pray for peace for all of you for you don't deserve to suffer from the acts of others. Any suggestions you could give me as a family member would be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
> God Bless
> Ruru
> Hi ruru, I am sooo sad and sorry that your child is having to go throguh this hell. I do not know all of her circumstances but a day or 2 ago I posted a thread re: a source of what might be of significant help for her- I am looking into it for my self and you may want to check it out as well --the thread is lower down on this board and it is called Psycho-Neurobiology - it is not hocus pocus, goofy , or elongtated and extensive psycho therapy but something in which might be of help to you and your daughter!!Here is the direct link!! Good Luck and God Bless
Snapper

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040329/msgs/331049.html

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 1:08:33

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by snapper on April 2, 2004, at 0:48:15

Thank you so much for answering. Have read it quickly and will have to re-read as not sure I understand.
Thank you for the info
God Bless
Ruru

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by shadows721 on April 2, 2004, at 18:58:07

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 0:30:57

All of your child's symptoms are normal for a very abnormal experience. I don't know how old this child is. That is very important to know in regard to treatment.

It sounds like she totally belives that she is at blame for this act of violence against her. It's affecting every aspect of her life- relationships, believe in herself, and even God. She may not ever feel safe either.

When something of this magnitude happens to a child, they feel they are totally to blame. They may subconsciously feel there is something wrong with them and that's why this happened to them. They may think that even God allowed this to happen (i.e., God rejected them too.) They have problems with others, because they feel "different" from others. In a way they are, they have experienced Hell on Earth experiences. The danger replays out in dreams as well.

The most important thing for her is to make her feel important. She has to have a believe in herself change. She has to have a change in knowledge about herself. Yes, this happened. Yes, it was from Hell itself. But, she survived. She is special and can turn this ugliness into something else. She can later, become a fighter for herself and others. She can use her voice and artistic abilities to express what wasn't allowed to be expressed. There is so much energy turned against the self. It has to be redirected into a powerful energy for herself.

Tell her this happened, because there are people who are very bad. They are drawn to the light of God in beautiful children. They want the child to feel bad and think bad thoughts about themselves. But, she must know - SHE STILL HAS THE LIGHT OF GOD IN HER. She can use this light to fight back against the darkness of the perpetrator.

This may sound odd, but it is my truth. Perpetrators are like hidden lions against children. They want to engulf their innocence. The child must learn the truth. They are still good and not allow the perpetrator steal their beauty that still resides deep within them.

I hope this makes sense. She must see she still has light and goodness in her. But, now, she has looked into the eyes of evil and survived. She has many gifts from surviving this hellish experience that she may not even know she has yet. She just doesn't know what powers she still has deep within herself. Right now, she only see what was done to her.

Shadows721

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 22:43:16

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by shadows721 on April 2, 2004, at 18:58:07

Shadow- you have no clue as to how much your answer means to me. She is 29,married,college degree with honors. She has great support but cannot yet see that. She was repeatedly abused at age 11 and told no one until four years ago when her depression started. She has lost all faith in God although she does admit she feels this is not permanent. She replays what happened almost constantly. She does not look, act or think like the person she was the first 25 years of her life. I know the unspeakable acts she went through stole her childhood and am afraid it will completely steal her mind.Her doctor has told her that part of her mind is still 11 years old. Please keep her in your prayers as I will pray for everyone on this board.
God Bless
Ruru

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by shadows721 on April 3, 2004, at 0:02:16

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by Ruru on April 2, 2004, at 22:43:16

She is carrying around a lot of pain in the center of her being that is not deserved. She is very brave for telling others about her pain. She can run up against a lot of trash from others when she tells her truth. No one knows what she went through, but her.

Part of her healing will be to express the feelings that she could not at the time she was being abused. When this happens, all Hell breaks loose. She will most likely direct her anger at those who are safe - spouse, parents, friends, etc. She has been directing a lot of anger at herself for not being able to stop what happened and for being the target of such brutality. Nightmares, flashbacks, and emotional ranging from terror to rage come flooding back. This is apart of the process. Her life may flip out of control while she is doing this hard work.

You are right there is an 11 y/o there and is still in terror of this brutal perpetrator. That's why she is having such a difficult time now. She is still partly operating from an 11 y/o perspective. The wonderful thing is that there still is a really bright and beautiful 11 y/o still there. She is very much alive. She can tell her story as many ways as she wishes. This very intelligent woman needs to see this fact and start to realize she needs to tell the 11 y/o the truth. The adult can protect her and give her a live she could never imagine.

What may help the 29 y/o is to make a photo album of herself in age order. She needs to see the child that is still there. She needs to look into the eyes of that 11 y/o and say, "I love you just the way you are and it wasn't your fault all this happened to you." The 29 y/o is strong enough now to tell the 11 y/o to stop this self hating. She is and always was a child of the God that she chooses to believe.

There are many books on healing from abuse. All will say this is a process. It doesn't happen over night. Sometimes, she will feel stuck. Sometimes, it may feel like nothing is real. All she needs to do is just do the best she can do at any given moment. That's all she can ask of herself and protect herself during the worst times of the this process.

There is a lot of pain, but this young bright woman has a lot of light within her being that she has yet to uncover. The light within her - the child that wasn't abused - can help the child that was abused with the adults help. She has a lot of love around her to help her walk down this path. She is a strong woman for making these steps toward healing.

To others it may look like she is getting worse, but inside she is doing some major internal renovating. She is questioning everything. She is finding out who she really was and is. Not many do this. It is extremely hard work. She is a survivor and can make her life better in time. But right now, this is a time of grieving. It will get better with time. She will need to lean on those who truly love her while she does this work.

I wish her the best.

From another survivor with love,
Shadows721

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD) shadows721

Posted by gardenergirl on April 3, 2004, at 13:26:53

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by shadows721 on April 3, 2004, at 0:02:16

Just wanted to jump in and say how very moving your post is, Shadows. The image of viewing a time line of childhood and having the adult love and nurture the child while providing adult perspective is just awe-inspiring. I infer that this process has been particularly meaningful to you, and I am glad if it has helped the healing process.

I'll keep both you and Ruru's daughter in my thoughts and prayers.

gg

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by Ruru on April 3, 2004, at 22:43:19

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by shadows721 on April 3, 2004, at 0:02:16

Your post was moving and helpfull beyond words. I will talk to her tomorrow about the photo album. I know that part of her healing is art but she says most of her pictures are disturbing and she has not offered to show them to me. In many ways I think she trys to protect me and her father from knowing everything that happened but finally accepts our support. She has oftened called me over in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep and she didn't want to bother her husband(he has been great support). You sound very mature-may I ask your age and if you have a peaceful life? Thank you again.
God Bless
Ruru

 

Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD)

Posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 1:04:03

In reply to Re: The shadows from the past (complex PTSD), posted by Ruru on April 3, 2004, at 22:43:19

No, I don't mind telling you my age. I am 36. If you wish, show her my posts. I have been walking down this path of healing for 10 years. It's Hellish, but it really helps to have support like she is getting from you and others. Some days, crying is all I could do.

I use to feel that I was an ugly child, but it was only the uglines I felt within myself that I reflected on those pictures from childhood. Now, I see a child in those pictures who was in isolation and tremendous pain.

There is no such thing as an ugly child. If a child act in bad ways, it is only because someone taught them mean ways. We all come in this world with innocence. We don't come in this world hating ourselves either. Again, someone taught us that. As adults, we have to teach ourselves the truth.

One who is walking the same path,
Shadows721


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