Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 200654

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Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable

Posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

Hello to everyone,
I've gotten some very supportive posts previously about the agony of severe depression. I need reassurance and help again, since I live alone, have a very limited support system, I don't want to bother my couple of colleague/friends more than I've already done, and my pdoc has gotten really turned off (if not adamant) about my dashing over to see him outside of our regularly scheduled hours. (I'm American and have been living in Bangkok for 4 years. For the first three, I had the greatest years of my life, but the last 9 months have seen one agony heaped onto another, sending me into the category of mental illness. It's just too long a story to get into here.)

I know that thousands if not millions of people out there must be living a life of daily hell, as I see from reading this board. For those who must endure severe depression, or who have to count the interminable days while tapering off a useless or even "harmful" AD drug to start up another one and THEN having to wait weeks before the new one kicks in, can you relate to the endless suffering, the feeling that your brain may be damaged, you feel like a vegetable, you have an incurable illness that will never end? Maybe you're not the kind who would dare consider ending it all--but you wonder how in the name of God you will have the strength to get through much more of it.
My ONLY hope at this point is MAO Parnate. I will be flying back to the U.S. in 2 weeks to get this med which did wonders for me for 18 years. It's not available here in Thailand. Since I have so much faith in this medication, based on 18 years' experience with it, I'm banking my entire life on success with it again, and purchased a round-trip ticket so I can return here with the Parnate and recuperate here rather than go back to the U.S. jobless and homeless.
Now, can you commisserate with me?
Does this apply to you and your severe depression?
You don't want to eat ANYTHING
You have lost ALL interest in sex
Your sleep patterns are completely messed up or unpredictable
You can't or can barely concentrate on reading
Even the "small" tasks of daily life, like changing bed linens seem like major chores
You feel like your brain has been irreversibly damaged and can never be fixed
You will never get out of this nightmare of living hell.
But somehow you go on. .somehow. ..
I want my Parnate now. I want it fast and I hope it will kick in as quickly as possible. But I'll have to wait out this living hell for about another 5 more weeks. (2 weeks until I travel + kick-in period). I pray that I can do it. Does this horrible illness always come to an end when we find the "right" medication? I'm a male, 54, bawling like a baby at the computer, not knowing how I will be able to endure the stresses and hassles of the 17 hour flight to Los Angeles, but I must get these meds fast. (Believe me, they can't be shipped here; all the research I've done and my family has done shows that I have to personally go to the U.S. to get it.). We talk about coping strategies. I feel so horrible that I don't even have the energy to ride my bike or even consider doing it. The only relief I get is at night, when the Klonopin I take (usually) puts me to sleep so I'm not consciously thinking of the torture
Please help, commisserate, share ideas. . . I need anyone and everyone who can help ease my pain and terror about the future, tell me that you, too, have been through it, and that some day, hopefully soon, I will get well again.

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear

Posted by zeugma on February 15, 2003, at 7:38:32

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

> Hello to everyone,
> I've gotten some very supportive posts previously about the agony of severe depression. I need reassurance and help again, since I live alone, have a very limited support system, I don't want to bother my couple of colleague/friends more than I've already done, and my pdoc has gotten really turned off (if not adamant) about my dashing over to see him outside of our regularly scheduled hours. (I'm American and have been living in Bangkok for 4 years. For the first three, I had the greatest years of my life, but the last 9 months have seen one agony heaped onto another, sending me into the category of mental illness. It's just too long a story to get into here.)
>
> I know that thousands if not millions of people out there must be living a life of daily hell, as I see from reading this board. For those who must endure severe depression, or who have to count the interminable days while tapering off a useless or even "harmful" AD drug to start up another one and THEN having to wait weeks before the new one kicks in, can you relate to the endless suffering, the feeling that your brain may be damaged, you feel like a vegetable, you have an incurable illness that will never end? Maybe you're not the kind who would dare consider ending it all--but you wonder how in the name of God you will have the strength to get through much more of it.
> My ONLY hope at this point is MAO Parnate. I will be flying back to the U.S. in 2 weeks to get this med which did wonders for me for 18 years. It's not available here in Thailand. Since I have so much faith in this medication, based on 18 years' experience with it, I'm banking my entire life on success with it again, and purchased a round-trip ticket so I can return here with the Parnate and recuperate here rather than go back to the U.S. jobless and homeless.
> Now, can you commisserate with me?
> Does this apply to you and your severe depression?
> You don't want to eat ANYTHING
> You have lost ALL interest in sex
> Your sleep patterns are completely messed up or unpredictable
> You can't or can barely concentrate on reading
> Even the "small" tasks of daily life, like changing bed linens seem like major chores
> You feel like your brain has been irreversibly damaged and can never be fixed
> You will never get out of this nightmare of living hell.
> But somehow you go on. .somehow. ..
> I want my Parnate now. I want it fast and I hope it will kick in as quickly as possible. But I'll have to wait out this living hell for about another 5 more weeks. (2 weeks until I travel + kick-in period). I pray that I can do it. Does this horrible illness always come to an end when we find the "right" medication? I'm a male, 54, bawling like a baby at the computer, not knowing how I will be able to endure the stresses and hassles of the 17 hour flight to Los Angeles, but I must get these meds fast. (Believe me, they can't be shipped here; all the research I've done and my family has done shows that I have to personally go to the U.S. to get it.). We talk about coping strategies. I feel so horrible that I don't even have the energy to ride my bike or even consider doing it. The only relief I get is at night, when the Klonopin I take (usually) puts me to sleep so I'm not consciously thinking of the torture
> Please help, commisserate, share ideas. . . I need anyone and everyone who can help ease my pain and terror about the future, tell me that you, too, have been through it, and that some day, hopefully soon, I will get well again.


I felt pretty awful last year before I got back on a TCA. No normal sleep, and my mind would feel completely blank at times- I couldn't even say a word to anyone. I also had no luck at all on the host of other meds, SSRI's, Wellbutrin, stimulants. Not to mention unhelpful pdocs who were sure that only an SSRI would help me. I'm sure you will feel better when you get back on the Parnate. You're not the only one who has to take the *right* med, not just the one that's most convenient for your docs.

 

Are you the one who swiched to Remeron ?

Posted by linkadge on February 15, 2003, at 8:34:17

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear, posted by zeugma on February 15, 2003, at 7:38:32

If I remember correctly, you were the one who couldn't get Parnate in Thailand and tried Remeron.

What are you currently taking. If nothing - then
you're pretty darn good for making it this far.

Believe me, when you take the right med and start to get better, you will wonder what all the pain was about.

I wish you the best of luck.

Linkadge

 

Re: Are you the one who swiched to Remeron ? » linkadge

Posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 9:57:07

In reply to Are you the one who swiched to Remeron ?, posted by linkadge on February 15, 2003, at 8:34:17

> If I remember correctly, you were the one who couldn't get Parnate in Thailand and tried Remeron.

Yes, you probably are thinking of the right person. Your memory seems to be good--I first started with Remeron about a year ago, and it pooped out on me a few months later.
>
> What are you currently taking. If nothing - then
> you're pretty darn good for making it this far.
After the Remeron failed, I went to Zoloft for a while but was not very happy with it for a variety of reasons.
What I didn't mention in my first post was that I went from Zoloft to Moclobemide (Aurorix), which is not available in the U.S. It is similar to an MAO but evidently caused me more harm than good. I'm presently phasing it out and expect to quit it by the end of the week. I don't know how I'll feel for the week or so (between Aurorix and startup of the Parnate) that I have nothing in my system--better, the same or worse.
>
> Believe me, when you take the right med and start to get better, you will wonder what all the pain was about.
>
> I wish you the best of luck.
Thanks much for your letter.
>
> Linkadge

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear

Posted by colin wallace on February 15, 2003, at 12:00:14

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

Hi there In Bangkok..

Just wanted to say that of course, you are not alone in your experiences;I lived in Thailand too for over three years, and was grappling with a worsening and previously untreated depression .I visited a psychiatrist in Bumrungrad, (far superior to any UK hospital, not least 'cos you get to bypass GP's!)and the Thai psych.I saw (for around 700bht)was more astute, helpful and sympathetic than any I've seen since returning home.
I'm very surprised that you're unable to obtain the meds you need over there of all places)I take it you've asked at Bumrungrad?)but what I would say to you is that you sound as though you really need a break from Bangkok, great place to live though it may be.Do you have any relatives you could stay with for a short time at home while you sort out your meds?If not,I would hop on a flight to Samui when you return, and recuperate somewhere like Chaweng beach for a while- that really worked wonders for me at the time.BKK is way too claustrophobic when you're feeling that ill.
I know exactly what you're going through, because I've been there too(literally)- but I've managed to pull myself out of it with the right meds(and support), and I'm positive that you will get well too.And while you recuperate, place yourself in an environment conducive to recovery, wherever that may be, and whoever it may be with.Take time out.

Get well and good luck,

Colin.

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear

Posted by Daffy on February 15, 2003, at 20:20:26

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

> Hello to everyone,
> I've gotten some very supportive posts previously about the agony of severe depression. I need reassurance and help again, since I live alone, have a very limited support system, I don't want to bother my couple of colleague/friends more than I've already done, and my pdoc has gotten really turned off (if not adamant) about my dashing over to see him outside of our regularly scheduled hours. (I'm American and have been living in Bangkok for 4 years. For the first three, I had the greatest years of my life, but the last 9 months have seen one agony heaped onto another, sending me into the category of mental illness. It's just too long a story to get into here.)
>
> I know that thousands if not millions of people out there must be living a life of daily hell, as I see from reading this board. For those who must endure severe depression, or who have to count the interminable days while tapering off a useless or even "harmful" AD drug to start up another one and THEN having to wait weeks before the new one kicks in, can you relate to the endless suffering, the feeling that your brain may be damaged, you feel like a vegetable, you have an incurable illness that will never end? Maybe you're not the kind who would dare consider ending it all--but you wonder how in the name of God you will have the strength to get through much more of it.
> My ONLY hope at this point is MAO Parnate. I will be flying back to the U.S. in 2 weeks to get this med which did wonders for me for 18 years. It's not available here in Thailand. Since I have so much faith in this medication, based on 18 years' experience with it, I'm banking my entire life on success with it again, and purchased a round-trip ticket so I can return here with the Parnate and recuperate here rather than go back to the U.S. jobless and homeless.
> Now, can you commisserate with me?
> Does this apply to you and your severe depression?
> You don't want to eat ANYTHING
> You have lost ALL interest in sex
> Your sleep patterns are completely messed up or unpredictable
> You can't or can barely concentrate on reading
> Even the "small" tasks of daily life, like changing bed linens seem like major chores
> You feel like your brain has been irreversibly damaged and can never be fixed
> You will never get out of this nightmare of living hell.
> But somehow you go on. .somehow. ..
> I want my Parnate now. I want it fast and I hope it will kick in as quickly as possible. But I'll have to wait out this living hell for about another 5 more weeks. (2 weeks until I travel + kick-in period). I pray that I can do it. Does this horrible illness always come to an end when we find the "right" medication? I'm a male, 54, bawling like a baby at the computer, not knowing how I will be able to endure the stresses and hassles of the 17 hour flight to Los Angeles, but I must get these meds fast. (Believe me, they can't be shipped here; all the research I've done and my family has done shows that I have to personally go to the U.S. to get it.). We talk about coping strategies. I feel so horrible that I don't even have the energy to ride my bike or even consider doing it. The only relief I get is at night, when the Klonopin I take (usually) puts me to sleep so I'm not consciously thinking of the torture
> Please help, commisserate, share ideas. . . I need anyone and everyone who can help ease my pain and terror about the future, tell me that you, too, have been through it, and that some day, hopefully soon, I will get well again.

I feel for ya man, I go thru the same thing and the one thing that always works for me is opiates. It takes care of ALL symptoms. Gives me energy, motivation, and spirit. I no longer care what others think, I am outgoing rather than oppressed. The best thing of all, it doesn't seem to affect my ability to think clearly.
In all, it makes me feel normal, but a very good normal :)
The reason I mention this as a soloution is because of where you are. It should be cheap and relatively easy to find. I would assume you have never used this before or you would already have taken care of your problem, so I will tell you this. In powdered form you would only need *a few grains*. Please be careful if you go this route.

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable

Posted by agencypanic on February 15, 2003, at 22:44:25

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear, posted by Daffy on February 15, 2003, at 20:20:26

I really empathize with your plight and I'm sure we all wish that we could do something for you.
I don't really know anything about the drugs part of this, but is this drug not available in Hong Kong for example? Or Singapore?
I realize that these are probably stupid questions and you would certainly have done something about it if it was available there.
SE Asia has a 'special' place in my heart/mind as that's where I fell apart myself. Make sure that you are eating enough-- another stupid
piece of advice, sorry. I know that when one is depressed that's when you sometimes overlook the obvious things, or have no interest as you say in the day to day things.
But maybe what you need to do is treat the next two weeks as a type of training period and prepare yourself physically for the rigors of your flight. Pay particular attention
to eating and drinking well. If it's hard to change sheets on your bed, then force yourself to do it everyday. If you're not getting out except for work, then make a point of doing a few things-- maybe
pick up some gifts for family and friends. They don't have to be anything special, just do something for others. I really feel stupid writing such things because this is the type of advice
I often receive(d) in the midst of my depression and I would be resentful. I know that just a month ago or so I was finding it difficult even to turn over from one side to the other in my bed,let alone make the damn thing.
So I think that I know how/what you feel and I also know that we can get beyond it. I wish you all the best and hope that you'll continue to post and let us know of your progress. <<<<And note that word progress!

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » colin wallace

Posted by cubbybear on February 16, 2003, at 4:33:42

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear, posted by colin wallace on February 15, 2003, at 12:00:14

>
.I visited a psychiatrist in Bumrungrad, (far superior to any UK hospital, not least 'cos you get to bypass GP's!)and the Thai psych.I saw (for around 700bht)was more astute, helpful and sympathetic than any I've seen since returning home.
I believe you, from all I've read about Bumrungrad, but whereas they charge 700 baht for a pdoc visit, I have been paying 320 at Ramkhamhaeng Hosp., less than half. I desperately need to hang on to my money for my upcoming trip (see below), and changing pdocs right now would seem to be wrong timing as well as unaffordable.

> I'm very surprised that you're unable to obtain the meds you need over there of all places)I take it you've asked at Bumrungrad?)
Yes, I've inquired about this from day one. Parnate is simply on the list of meds that the Thai Food and Drug Admin. has not approved for use by doctors here, because of its reputation for being dangerous.

but what I would say to you is that you sound as though you really need a break from Bangkok, great place to live though it may be.Do you have any relatives you could stay with for a short time at home while you sort out your meds?
I have booked a flight to Los Angeles for March 2, will hopefully get to pick up the parnate within the next couple of days then ride to Phoenix, Arizona by bus to see my mother. We will have about 10 days together before my trip back. I know that that's not time enough to get away from Bangkok, but it's better than nothing.
.BKK is way too claustrophobic when you're feeling that ill.
Yes, you're absolutely right, but it's a terrible situation, since I have to try to earn some money and do job searching as soon as possible after I return.

> Get well and good luck,
>Thanks for your good wishes.
>

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » zeugma

Posted by JohnV on February 16, 2003, at 5:17:12

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear, posted by zeugma on February 15, 2003, at 7:38:32


I am one of the few people who respond to a tryciclic antidepressant to. Actually it seems like more and more people are and I wonder if they are better than the SSRI and all those new meds. I take Klonipin too which is very important. Somebody just said on here that a tricyclic a.d. makes them feel more like themselves rather than an SSRI which seems to make me feel really spacey, tired, and then I get really depressed again, except 100 times worse.

 

Hi Cubbybear

Posted by kara lynne on February 16, 2003, at 21:48:53

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

I pray that you are feeling better today. Your words make me so sad; I know that agony so well. I have no words of wisdom, and wish I could offer more comfort. I think you are doing your best right now to move out of this intense depression. At least one small movement will lead you to the next, and the next, and the next after that until you find a clearing. If you just hang in there things will change, somehow. Maybe it's comforting to know we're not alone in those moments of utter darkness; it helps me to read that people like you certainly (unfortunately) understand them. It doesn't sound like a bad idea to get out of Bangkok for awhile if you can swing it. Until then, know that I am looking at the same full moon you are, thinking of you and sending you prayers.

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear

Posted by Jack Smith on February 16, 2003, at 22:41:33

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

who's your pdoc in LA, ones who prescribe MAOI's are hard to find there.

email me personally if you want

jsmith121@yahoo.com

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » Jack Smith

Posted by cubbybear on February 17, 2003, at 0:22:48

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » cubbybear, posted by Jack Smith on February 16, 2003, at 22:41:33

> who's your pdoc in LA, ones who prescribe MAOI's are hard to find there.
>
> email me personally if you want
>
> jsmith121@yahoo.com

I don't have a pdoc in L.A. The prescription I hope to use was written by my former guy in New York and I'm praying that I'll have no problems with it. If you know the names of any pdoc in the L.A. area who prescribes MAOs, please give me to me ASAP.

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable

Posted by lynn3 on February 17, 2003, at 15:45:47

In reply to Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by cubbybear on February 15, 2003, at 6:15:07

To Cubbie bear
Hang in there, many of know of what you speak, it is so easy to give up, but it WILL
get better. Keep working with your doctor and therapist. DON't GIVE UP!
Lynn

 

Cubby Bear

Posted by Jack Smith on February 17, 2003, at 16:45:12

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » Jack Smith, posted by cubbybear on February 17, 2003, at 0:22:48

I doubt you will have a problem filling your scrip in California from a NY doctor. I used to do the exact opposite when I was staying in NY for a short period--with Celexa. If you need a name, email me privately. jsmith121@yahoo.com

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable

Posted by michael73 on February 17, 2003, at 18:48:11

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by agencypanic on February 15, 2003, at 22:44:25

Hi Cubbybear, Depression certainly makes me feel brain damaged. This happened to me before and the pattern was the same. I began worrying about my brain, then the depression hit hard. I imagine organic damage from solvents, carbon monoxide etc. I get CO detectors and watch them in my house. I ask people if they have a feeling in there head and flip out when they say no. At the very lowest the inside of my head feels like a vacuum and as if my brain is bleeding - thats when I have sobbing spells. My memory and recall goes and I feel confused. I even have trouble talking. I came out of this before (exact same series of events) with help of medication and I'm working on believing I will again. I only found one med (non-SSRI) that helped me too, but now I'm exploring others (including non ADs) to see if I can find one with less side effects. So you're not alone with the brain damage symptoms. Helps me to here others with those symptoms too. My brother lives in China, I'd love to visit him but I can't get the energy up. Michael73

 

Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable » michael73

Posted by cubbybear on February 18, 2003, at 4:49:52

In reply to Re: Severe Depression--brain feels like a vegetable, posted by michael73 on February 17, 2003, at 18:48:11

. I only found one med (non-SSRI) that helped me too,

Previously, the med that saved me was MAOI Parnate. I'm praying that I'll have no problem with the prescription when I return to the U..S. in about 12 days. Just curious--what AD helped you?

 

Re: Cubby Bear » Jack Smith

Posted by cubbybear on February 18, 2003, at 5:00:12

In reply to Cubby Bear, posted by Jack Smith on February 17, 2003, at 16:45:12

> I doubt you will have a problem filling your scrip in California from a NY doctor. I used to do the exact opposite when I was staying in NY for a short period--with Celexa.
I'm not at all concerned about that aspect of it. I've done it before. There are other factors, such as having a copy of the prescription getting to the pharmacy in time (from Thailand) so they can order it, and things like that,--which have me terrified of not being able to get the Parnate. I may be worrying for nothing, but that's the nature of my depression.

If you need a name, email me privately. jsmith121@yahoo.com

I will do that.


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