Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 64389

Shown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I'm scared.

Posted by zarathustra on May 27, 2001, at 0:05:53

Please help, I don't know what to do, I'm crying, and I think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My story is so long. I am 26, I am supposed to be gifted (actually, im quite the 'f'ing loser (high school drop out)) and I just cant cope anymore, I have totally deconstructed life, love, and anything happy into small logical components. My g.p. says I am rationalizing my depression, but I don't believe him.
I feel like an absolute failure and it makes me naseus (excuse my gifted spelling) I can't think anymore, people dont understand me, I'm ugly, irresponsible, the list goes on and on and on and on........................................and on.

I am not writting for sympathy, I am trying as best as I can to convey how I feel, It's difficult to put into words.

Anyways, I have been on about eight antidepressants, and the ssri's worked, but obliterated my libido.
I am in such a state lately that I can't see any hope, in trying again, My descisions are suject to my current state of mind.
Whats really scaring me is this intense anger that seems to be creeping up on me lately, I become furious at...well, nothing really. I become angry at the world, at life, at myself. Am I entering a psychotic depression!? And then as quick as the anger came, it leaves. I think I am going crazy, my moods are all over the place, my mind is a mess, I either undereat for a few weeks, or overeat. my sex drive is erratic (like my spelling), and I think about killing myself more and more each day.
I have been to the local hospital emergency department three times in the last six months, because I was kind of suicidal, and just needed to talk and get some reassurance that I'm not nuts. HOSPITALS ARE ABSOLUTELY USELESS! Evertime, I came out feeling worse that when I came in! Those people need a severe refresher in bed side manner! Basically they coldly asked me if I was going to kill myself, if somone could pick me up, and if I could make it through the night to come back in the morning to see on of thier condescending pretentious shallow "crisis workers". all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and some hope.
Getting help for suicide is not as easy as the damn commercials would have you believe, I really dont think anyone cares.
I watched the old Deniro movie "taxi driver" the other night, and it really scared me; i'm afraid that in my search for "answers" I am uncovering some pretty harsh truths about the selfish animal nature of our existence. We are hippocritical, selfish, jealous, materialistic creatures who polute, kill, war, steal and hurt. love is a farce, love is for the ignorant, love is nothing but neurotransmitters (which apparently I am low on :-)
I am afraid I am turning myself into a sociopath.
What is wrong with me?
I am constantly bored, nothing at all interests me whatsoever, except driving around toronto for hours smoking my brains out drinking coffee. And work gives me something to do, I work with behavioral and autistic children in a group home.
I have always been a bit of an enigma to people that know me, people often say that they have never met anyone like me before: I am deep, creative, and posses some "i cant quite explain it" properties, and "theres a wierd twinkle in your eyes" and other crap like that.

Anyways, I am rambling (or maybe venting).
If by chance you are interested in my pathetic little odyssey, I have submitted before under the undeserving handle of zarathustra. I am actually a normal guy, i mean I am not what you are probably picturing.
I am going to bed now, I feel very ashamed and guilty for dumping my life and problems on total strangers in such an unstructered, idiotic format, but hey thats how i feel.

Sincerely
ANDREW

 

Re: I'm scared.

Posted by sl on May 27, 2001, at 8:48:49

In reply to I'm scared., posted by zarathustra on May 27, 2001, at 0:05:53

> Please help, I don't know what to do, I'm crying, and I think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My story is so long. I am 26, I am supposed to be gifted (actually, im quite the 'f'ing loser (high school drop out)) and I

Affirmations you probably won't take seriously: *hehe* If _I_ can get my life under control, so can you. For starters, I'll tell you that the "I'm so pathetic and useless" stuff comes with depression, and when you're not depressed it's either nonexistant or at least a lot BETTER. I don't get ugly images stuck in my head, I don't tell myself how worthless I am, etc. when I'm not down. So sorta try to treat it like some weirdo stranger on the street telling you how useless you are...don't take it seriously. I know, I know, that's nearly impossible when it's yourSELF, but that's all you can do til you get your symptoms under control.

Dropping out of high school doesn't make you a loser. It means you can be that much prouder that you DO have a meaningful job that you obviously take [if not joy then at least...] some satisfaction in. Working with disabled children in a group home is a damn GOOD job for someone with no high school diploma! I know social workers (y'know, grad school etc!) who do similar jobs!
I'm 27 in a week. I can't hold a job. (see, you're ahead of me already!) I'm a professional temp and I'm going back to college in the fall. But I didn't make any real lasting progress in my life til I was nearly 26. you CAN start late and still do okay in life! :)

In a practical sense: GET BACK ON THE SSRIs!!!
If they keep you off window ledges and out of the razor-blades, to HELL with your sex-drive! Get back on them, and once you're settled have your Dr prescribe something extra for the sex-drive problem. In fact, post and ask SalArmy4me what he(?) recommends, I'll bet he'll have at least 2-3 things for you to try and more with thought and research.
I hope you HAVE a dr. If you don't, go in to work and ask your Social Worker (I know you must have one there!) if they can recommend a good psychiatrist or at least an Internist or General Practitioner. If they ask too many questions, tell them it's for the parent of one of the kids you work with!

(I DID READ the rest of your story, I just deleted it for the sake of space in the post)

Anyway.

Meanwhile, go to your local drugstore and buy St John's Wort and the strongest B-complex you can find, ask a pharmacist to help pick one out....just because it's sunday and you've got a cople days to go before you can see a regular Dr anyway. I know the vitamins & supplements cost money, but if you spend $20 now and you feel better, hey, great! If not, well, at least you'll know what won't work.

Good luck....

sl

PS Aren't I great at being optimistic for other people? Too bad Im' not so good at doing it for myself. :/


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