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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 12:13:42
I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression related to stress over a medical condition. I've been taking Celexa (started at 20 mg for 3 weeks, then upped to 40 mg) for about a month. For the last two weeks or so I've found it very difficult to be around my boyfriend. We have discussed marriage and prior to this depression I felt that I was very much in love with him. Now, however, when I see him it oftens feels like I'm with a stranger. Things that used to irritate me about him a little now seem to be huge things. I don't want him to touch me in a sexual way and I'm scared that this means my feelings for him have changed. He is a wonderful person and has been very supportive during this time. I feel huge amounts of guilt and stress when I am around him because I don't feel the way I used too. It feels like the depression is lifting so I don't understand why I'm feeling this way about him. Any thoughts?
Posted by putih on March 13, 2000, at 14:04:18
In reply to Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 12:13:42
Hi Robyn,
I'm the girlfriend of a man with depression. I recognize what you are describing. My boyfriend lost his "appetite" for sex, when he started with antidepressants. He also wanted to stay much on his own and was confused about his feelings, for me, and for all kind of things in general.
The usual little anoyances in the relationship became too much for him to handle and started arguing about everything.I think you should be open with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, the positive and negative things.
Asks for his understanding and patients, if he is willing to.Don't feel guilty because he has been supportive, these are difficult times for both of you.
Of course if you are sure you don't love him you should be fair about it. But don't break up because you are confused now.
I think you need, like my boyfriend, a lot of time for your self, and that takes a lot of energy too.
We still had both our own appartments so it was easy to keep some distance when needed. Don't know if this applies to you, its just what I've experienced.Take care Robyn!
Putih
Posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 15:03:15
In reply to Re: Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by putih on March 13, 2000, at 14:04:18
Thanks for responding.
I was curious to know if the situation with your boyfriend has gotten better over time. I am pretty sure I still want to be with my boyfriend but I'm very anxious about things getting back to normal.Robyn
> Hi Robyn,
>
> I'm the girlfriend of a man with depression. I recognize what you are describing. My boyfriend lost his "appetite" for sex, when he started with antidepressants. He also wanted to stay much on his own and was confused about his feelings, for me, and for all kind of things in general.
> The usual little anoyances in the relationship became too much for him to handle and started arguing about everything.
>
> I think you should be open with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, the positive and negative things.
> Asks for his understanding and patients, if he is willing to.
>
> Don't feel guilty because he has been supportive, these are difficult times for both of you.
> Of course if you are sure you don't love him you should be fair about it. But don't break up because you are confused now.
> I think you need, like my boyfriend, a lot of time for your self, and that takes a lot of energy too.
> We still had both our own appartments so it was easy to keep some distance when needed. Don't know if this applies to you, its just what I've experienced.
>
> Take care Robyn!
>
> Putih
Posted by Mark H. on March 13, 2000, at 16:54:04
In reply to Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 12:13:42
Robyn, I'm going to venture a contrary opinion just for balance. When I was young, I fell desperately in love with a beautiful, brilliant woman who really only found me interesting and attractive at my most manic and articulate. When I was dull and somewhat befuddled, she always had reasons to do something else. Without knowing at the time that I was cyclothymic and on my way to being what is now called bipolar II, I fought to hold on to my highs, to be my most stellar and bright, and I hid out a lot when I was depressed.
Well, punkin', it doesn't work. My beloved wife Sue, whom I've been married to now for almost 16 years, loves me when I'm down and slurring my speech, loves me when I'm normal and steady, and loves me when I'm a little wild-eyed and up all night because I got into some chocolate mousse. She doesn't expect me to add long columns of figures in my head, to recite the names of several hundred classical composers, or to be the life of the party. She understands when I can't return phone calls and haven't written to my parents in 6 months. She has NO ambition for me whatsoever, except to be happy and to accept who I am at any given time.
I'm not saying there is a strong parallel between your situation and mine. I'm only suggesting that if this man and you are only comfortable and happy with each other when you are "well," and if your depression is cyclic and recurring -- and therefore probably a long-term experience -- then it might be best not to put yourself in a position where you feel like you are "OK" only when you are well, or socialable, or free of depression.
The right person will always love you for who you are, and hopefully that love will nurture you even in those times when you feel most unlovable and unattractive. We need to be able to come home to complete acceptance, where we don't have to think about our worthiness.
I hope things work out for the best for both of you.
Posted by Noa on March 13, 2000, at 16:54:50
In reply to Question for putih, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 15:03:15
Robyn, I think it is a good rule of thumb to NOT make any major changes in your life while you are depressed. Can you suspend the decisions?
Posted by Brenda on March 13, 2000, at 17:13:12
In reply to Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 12:13:42
> I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression related to stress over a medical condition. I've been taking Celexa (started at 20 mg for 3 weeks, then upped to 40 mg) for about a month. For the last two weeks or so I've found it very difficult to be around my boyfriend. We have discussed marriage and prior to this depression I felt that I was very much in love with him. Now, however, when I see him it oftens feels like I'm with a stranger. Things that used to irritate me about him a little now seem to be huge things. I don't want him to touch me in a sexual way and I'm scared that this means my feelings for him have changed. He is a wonderful person and has been very supportive during this time. I feel huge amounts of guilt and stress when I am around him because I don't feel the way I used too. It feels like the depression is lifting so I don't understand why I'm feeling this way about him. Any thoughts?
Robyn - I think it might one or two things. Sometimes my husband irritates the heck out of me - and he's very supportive. As long as I don't get mean and try to hold on I know it will pass. I have also found that when starting a new antidepressant I typically got cranky and edgy for awhile until my body acclimated to the medication. I took 1/2 a benadryl and it seemed to help me. My experience has been that relationships have normal ups and downs. I always try to remind myself that when I get cranky and some of his habits irritate me - that it will pass, and I'll like to be around him again. Hope this helps. Please be well and remember to always take care of yourself first. B.
Posted by Brad H on March 13, 2000, at 18:22:59
In reply to Re: Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Brenda on March 13, 2000, at 17:13:12
Robyn, I think the person that gave you the advice of not to make MAJOR decisions is good advice. I've suffered from depression since I was 16. I believe I have finally found the girl of my dreams, but at times when my depression gets worse, I just feel like escaping and getting away from the relationship. I've learned to push through on the these lean times and not make any rash decisions in those states.
Also, the feelings you may be having may be a product of the side effects of the medicine. I know when I've been on meds, especially SSRI the kind of meds your on. I've got the feeling on those that I didn't feel depression or despair, but I really didn't feel emotional at all. One of the medicines that did allow me to have emotion was Remeron, since it is a lot more specific in action. Plus this medicine works faster than typical anti-depressants. I found results in about a week. Well, good luck in what you decide....Brad
Posted by putih on March 13, 2000, at 18:35:32
In reply to Question for putih, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 15:03:15
Hello Robyn,
During the period I mentioned it had quit some ups and downs.
It was however clear to me that he didn't want to break since he
did reach out, when it suited him.
Besides his bad moods he could still be very affectioned, that is what keeps me going.Unfortunatly the situation got worse as he developed other illness as you can read in my postings in the thread "dealing with psychotic person".
I truly hope you are in the lift, and have confidence things will get better.
Why are you affraid for "back to normal"? Was normal not a satisfying situation for you,
May be it should not be back to normal, but back to something different, where you can both feel happy?
Besides, what is normal after all, I wouldn't know.Putih
Posted by Eleanor C.L. on March 22, 2000, at 22:29:35
In reply to Re: Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Mark H. on March 13, 2000, at 16:54:04
Mark H:Thank you for your "contrary" and moving words. I am familiar with these performance issues, and while I have yet to resolve this one-to-one, I am blessed to have a friend with whom I feel total acceptance and delight, whose voice across time and space can lift me from the dark and scary places, whose laughter and honesty can pierce all my walls and bring light once again.
I could not be happier that you have found your safe haven. Best to both of you, always.
Posted by A. on March 28, 2000, at 21:58:27
In reply to Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by Robyn on March 13, 2000, at 12:13:42
This is my thought on the matter:
It seems that when a depressed person gets medical treatment, the whole idea of being "treated" becomes a reality. For me, when I was taking prozac a few years ago, it dawned on me I had to admit I needed medical help for the depression. The very acceptance that there is a problem leads to self analysis on all levels, it seems.
You may begin to look at yourself for signs of change, once the medication starts. Or you may start to look at your behvaiour and become aware of your reactions and response to normal situations, as now that you are being treated, you may expect to see an improvement or change there. This may be unconcious...
What I mean is, for me, when I first started, I knew I was taking the next step. I began to look at my entire life and realize how long the depression had been eating away at me. Now that I was taking treatment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for the first time in years. So now not only did this hope inspire me to continue medication, I also began to "clean house" in my head. I wanted to sort out all my feelings. I had a boyfriend at the time who for years had taken advantage of me, so suddenly he was surprised when I started to "see" what had been going on for the past few years. He thought the medication changed my personality and feelings toward him, but in reality, I only was reflecting on myself and new situation and came to this amazing conclusion that he was totally wrong for who I really was.
Of course, that is my unique situation. The point is, you may be going through the self reflection as well, as a result of taking a step to change your life by taking AD. During this phase of adjustment b/w being the depressed person and the treated person, you may feel like being alone so you can analyze everything, and rediscover yourself. It doesn't mean you're falling out of love, it just means you are adjusting and need some time and space. Allow yourself to think and explore why you've been depressed and how being not-depressed is going to affect you. Some people are so used to being depressed that the very idea that they are getting better throws them off guard and they aren't sure how to react to their new "life."
I just think once your depression is alleviated for a set amount of time you will begin to settle in to your self, and you'll find yourself able to continue to your relationship. Probably the stress and guilt of neglecting your bf is affecting this period in your life and amplifying the negative impact.
Anyway I just hope this helps at all. I'd try to stop worrying about your relationship (be open with your bf, however, don't just abandon him), and just go with the flow of wanting to be alone for awhile.
Posted by Cindy W on March 29, 2000, at 9:46:51
In reply to Re: Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by A. on March 28, 2000, at 21:58:27
> This is my thought on the matter:
>
> It seems that when a depressed person gets medical treatment, the whole idea of being "treated" becomes a reality. For me, when I was taking prozac a few years ago, it dawned on me I had to admit I needed medical help for the depression. The very acceptance that there is a problem leads to self analysis on all levels, it seems.
>
> You may begin to look at yourself for signs of change, once the medication starts. Or you may start to look at your behvaiour and become aware of your reactions and response to normal situations, as now that you are being treated, you may expect to see an improvement or change there. This may be unconcious...
>
> What I mean is, for me, when I first started, I knew I was taking the next step. I began to look at my entire life and realize how long the depression had been eating away at me. Now that I was taking treatment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for the first time in years. So now not only did this hope inspire me to continue medication, I also began to "clean house" in my head. I wanted to sort out all my feelings. I had a boyfriend at the time who for years had taken advantage of me, so suddenly he was surprised when I started to "see" what had been going on for the past few years. He thought the medication changed my personality and feelings toward him, but in reality, I only was reflecting on myself and new situation and came to this amazing conclusion that he was totally wrong for who I really was.
>
> Of course, that is my unique situation. The point is, you may be going through the self reflection as well, as a result of taking a step to change your life by taking AD. During this phase of adjustment b/w being the depressed person and the treated person, you may feel like being alone so you can analyze everything, and rediscover yourself. It doesn't mean you're falling out of love, it just means you are adjusting and need some time and space. Allow yourself to think and explore why you've been depressed and how being not-depressed is going to affect you. Some people are so used to being depressed that the very idea that they are getting better throws them off guard and they aren't sure how to react to their new "life."
>
> I just think once your depression is alleviated for a set amount of time you will begin to settle in to your self, and you'll find yourself able to continue to your relationship. Probably the stress and guilt of neglecting your bf is affecting this period in your life and amplifying the negative impact.
>
> Anyway I just hope this helps at all. I'd try to stop worrying about your relationship (be open with your bf, however, don't just abandon him), and just go with the flow of wanting to be alone for awhile.
Relationships? Sounds vaguely familiar, but I can't remember what it's like anymore.
Posted by Robyn on March 29, 2000, at 15:42:39
In reply to Re: Any advice on relationships during depression?, posted by A. on March 28, 2000, at 21:58:27
Everything you said really helped. I've been trying to relax about it. Things are somewhat better and my feelings are more like they used to be. I just need to remember to take the time and space when I need it and stop feeling guilty. Thanks so much for everything you said.
> This is my thought on the matter:
>
> It seems that when a depressed person gets medical treatment, the whole idea of being "treated" becomes a reality. For me, when I was taking prozac a few years ago, it dawned on me I had to admit I needed medical help for the depression. The very acceptance that there is a problem leads to self analysis on all levels, it seems.
>
> You may begin to look at yourself for signs of change, once the medication starts. Or you may start to look at your behvaiour and become aware of your reactions and response to normal situations, as now that you are being treated, you may expect to see an improvement or change there. This may be unconcious...
>
> What I mean is, for me, when I first started, I knew I was taking the next step. I began to look at my entire life and realize how long the depression had been eating away at me. Now that I was taking treatment, I was hopeful. Hopeful for the first time in years. So now not only did this hope inspire me to continue medication, I also began to "clean house" in my head. I wanted to sort out all my feelings. I had a boyfriend at the time who for years had taken advantage of me, so suddenly he was surprised when I started to "see" what had been going on for the past few years. He thought the medication changed my personality and feelings toward him, but in reality, I only was reflecting on myself and new situation and came to this amazing conclusion that he was totally wrong for who I really was.
>
> Of course, that is my unique situation. The point is, you may be going through the self reflection as well, as a result of taking a step to change your life by taking AD. During this phase of adjustment b/w being the depressed person and the treated person, you may feel like being alone so you can analyze everything, and rediscover yourself. It doesn't mean you're falling out of love, it just means you are adjusting and need some time and space. Allow yourself to think and explore why you've been depressed and how being not-depressed is going to affect you. Some people are so used to being depressed that the very idea that they are getting better throws them off guard and they aren't sure how to react to their new "life."
>
> I just think once your depression is alleviated for a set amount of time you will begin to settle in to your self, and you'll find yourself able to continue to your relationship. Probably the stress and guilt of neglecting your bf is affecting this period in your life and amplifying the negative impact.
>
> Anyway I just hope this helps at all. I'd try to stop worrying about your relationship (be open with your bf, however, don't just abandon him), and just go with the flow of wanting to be alone for awhile.
This is the end of the thread.
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