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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
dr-bob@uchicago.eduShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on February 20, 2000, at 8:48:14
You have some bad shit going on around you. I don't blame you for not wanting the humiliation of being hospitalized but I'd like to shoot the breeze for a moment.
My mother was a 'way gone' alcoholic and I remember, high school years, visiting her in the hospital, watching my step-father have her committed to a state hospital, visiting her in half way houses, seeing her in these conditions 'killed me' but also gave me a sense of compassion for those who suffer.
My Mom was a very independent thinking, proud person, but she was sick! She died 5 years ago at 73 years old. She had been sober and in recovery for 19 years. I was so proud of my mother for surviving it all and we had some good times those last years.
My mother threatened suicide many times while drinking and once told me, I was about 15, that she had taken all of her pills. I was in shock but managed to call my family doc and he came right over.
This was about 1968 and I lived in a small town-doc was 5 blocks away. He determined that she had not taken the pills.
I know some of the hell she suffered because I still suffer, too. My point is...I always loved my mother and always will. I'm sure the hospitalizations were humiliating to her. In hindsight, I had my mother around for many more years and was so grateful for that.
Pride is a dangerous thing, Vesper. You need help and the worst thing you can do is worry about humiliation. You are 'seeing' your future through shit colored glasses right now because you need help.
My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to try some humility and trust in the process. Work to be there for your mother. Work to understand your friends' suicides and how their actions made you feel.
I've felt suicidal many times in my life. As Scott Peck said in The Road Less Traveled,"Life is Difficult". Once we understand that life IS difficult-for EVERYBODY-we can begin to come to terms with a less than perfect picture of our lives. Then, knowing that we are all flawed, can take the baby steps necessary to heal.
The most difficult times in my life have taught me more than the good times.
My own life has had a lot more heartache than joy and a lot of that comes from upbringing, or lack thereof. But when I attended my mother's memorial service, she died of cancer, I remember saying to myself,"Despite her difficult journey, in the end, she fought till the last moment and didn't take the easy way out."
She told me once that if not for me, all those years ago, she would have been dead. That meant a lot to me but nothing in comparison to watching her fight for her own life. That was her biggest gift to me for which I will always be grateful.Phil
Posted by Noa on February 20, 2000, at 11:09:04
In reply to Vesper, posted by Phil on February 20, 2000, at 8:48:14
Vespers,
You are not wasting my time. But, it might be that I and others have been saying what you don't want to hear. I am sorry for that, in the sense that it feels unhelpful to you. But, I am not sorry for what I have said, because I believe it. I am very worried about you and want you to be safe.
The times I myself have been suicidal, the most recent being just a few months ago, I know that my thinking was skewed, and refused to allow me to consider the existence of other options, of possiblities. I needed to allow someone else's clearer thinking to take over for a while. And I am glad I did, even with my current slump.
Phil's account of his mother's struggle was powerful and took my breath away. Having struggled and stayed alive, she finally did get to a better place in her life.
We are lucky to be young people at a time when there are many more medical options for treating depression. Not perfect, believe me, I know, but more possibilities. And I think of my struggle now as the QUEST for the right combo of meds. Many of us don't find it right away, but a lot of us can find the right combo if we keep on trying. And in a few years a new kind of treatment will come out.
Struggling through is so hard, so draining. It is hard to keep hope alive. But while you are in the state of despair you are in, you need to allow others to keep you safe until you can begin to have some hope again, enough to be able to want to stay alive and safe.
This is the end of the thread.
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