Psycho-Babble 2000 Thread 387717

Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Musing about dx again, any thoughts?

Posted by Racer on September 7, 2004, at 16:03:35

Now, y'all know about me and Official Diagnoses, right? My own self-diagnosis is Irregular Polygon Syndrome with Feral Features -- although the feral features may actually constitute a separate diagnostic code -- so anything any doctor puts down is only partly accurate, if that makes sense.

Way back at the beginning with Dr EyeCandy, I said that I had a history of an eating disorder. At that time, straight out of the hospital after almost two weeks of not eating because they didn't serve edible food, I weighed about 145 still. He turned and said, "Did a *Doctor* diagnose that?" Since the answer was no, no MD had Pronounced that as an Official Diagnosis, he disregarded it entirely. Then, when I told the Therapist From The Black Lagoon that I was starting to have real trouble with eating again, she disregarded it, too. After all, if that was something worth considering, it would be part of my Official Diagnosis. Since then, well, let's just say that I'm not even close to 145 anymore. And, despite any insight I might have about it all, I still can't seem to stop this behavior.

I've noticed that some of the literature is now starting to say that some anorexics actually do know that they're underweight -- ie: have some insight into their condition -- but the old fashioned *rule* about lack of insight being a central feature of any eating disorder still seems to be stuck in a lot of doctors thinking. I do have insight -- because I've been down this road before a few times, and I've learned enough to recognize it as a problem. (Although, obviously, I haven't learned how to do anything about it on my own.)

Here's my musing on the subject: part of me wants to ask Dr NoName to make it a part of my Official Diagnosis so that if I ever run into another Dr EyeCandy again, and am asked if an MD made it an Official Diagnosis, I can say "yes" and maybe if there's another episode starting up as it did this time, it won't be ignored and might be headed off. Another part, though, says that it would be too frightening to bring it up at all. (For one thing, people keep telling me I'm not that thin. Of course not -- but that's my build. I'm too broad hipped to look like a waif, and no matter how much weight I lose, I'm still gonna have big breasts. Not one has even bothered to ask anything like, "How much do you weigh?") The other thing is that I'm not sure I can be honest with anyone about what I actually eat, nor about what I see in the mirror when I look at myself. I keep hoping to see a thin person, instead of the Venus of Willendorf, but not so far -- even when I can count my vertabrae, or see my hipbones.

Does anyone here have any thoughts for me on this one? I guess I'm trying to relieve some of my worry, since this isn't all that important in a lot of ways.

Thanks!

 

Re: Musing about dx again, any thoughts?

Posted by SLS on September 9, 2004, at 8:09:54

In reply to Musing about dx again, any thoughts?, posted by Racer on September 7, 2004, at 16:03:35

How would you differentiate an eating disorder from being perhaps a touch obsessive or perfectionist?


- Scott

 

I'm *not* a perfectionist!!! » SLS

Posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 10:36:24

In reply to Re: Musing about dx again, any thoughts?, posted by SLS on September 9, 2004, at 8:09:54

I don't do anything well enough!

LoL

(Remember, *everything* my mother does is flawless. It's only as an adult that I can see that she doesn't *do* anything that she can't do flawlessly...)

Yeah, I'm a touch obsessive, and a perfectionist. The actual perfectionism I fight by *doing* things and by making it a rule to *finish* things -- even if I think they're not good enough. The obsessiveness is part of the eating, because I do get obsessive about what and whether to eat, and I do obsess about food. I guess the difference is that I look in the mirror and don't see a thin person -- I really do see someone who strongly resembles the Venus of Willendorf -- and that I get obsessed with getting thin enough. And I get obsessed about the numbers on the scale -- even though I know that they're not really good numbers.

The two are certainly related, but my question is really about whether or not it makes sense to me to ask about having the diagnosis made official, in case I come across another Dr EyeCandy in future. That's probably obsessive, too, but what the heck?

By the way, the Cymbalta has had one effect on this whole thing so far: before the whole crash-and-burn over the last visit to Dr EyeCandy and the first visit to Dr NoName and starting Cymbalta, I was getting much more obsessive about my body -- thinking in terms of plastic surgery, for example -- but now, while that same plastic surgery is still in the back of my mind (where it's actually been since my mid teens -- the difference is 'back of my mind' versus 'front of my mind'), it's not coming to the front daily anymore.

(Thought it was time to say something good about Cymbalta. And it might still work, this might just be adjustment stuff, or interaction with the couple of weeks of real misery from the explosion over Dr EyeCandy, or just that I'm worn down and my resistance is lowered all the way around. I'm also going to ask about beta blockers to see if that helps the tension. Might be enough to kick it over the edge. In the meantime, though, it's still not making friends with me yet.)

Scott, dear Scott -- thank you. You make me feel better just by seeing your name. I say you're a warm person, so it must be true.

 

Re: I'm *not* a perfectionist!!!

Posted by SLS on September 10, 2004, at 7:46:32

In reply to I'm *not* a perfectionist!!! » SLS, posted by Racer on September 9, 2004, at 10:36:24

I guess the question you are asking is whether or not you should have the diagnosis in hand just in case you end up back in the system?

The mirror thing sounds important. You feel your perception is distorted? It's not as exaggerated as in body dysmorphic disorder, is it?

One thing to consider is that eating disorders are often about control. For anorectics, body weight is the only thing they feel they have absolute control over in their lives. Does this apply to you?


- Scott

 

Re: I'm *not* a perfectionist!!! » SLS

Posted by Racer on September 10, 2004, at 10:23:07

In reply to Re: I'm *not* a perfectionist!!!, posted by SLS on September 10, 2004, at 7:46:32

Well, being [never mind *how* old] now, and having been through this before, it's hard to say. Right now, I do feel in control of my weight, and I don't -- because I *know* that I have to gain, and I even plan to eat more some days, but then I can't do it. So, I'm not feeling all the way in control, but yes, a lot of it is about control. In my case, I'm more aware of needing to "control" my emotions, through hunger and hollowing myself out, sort of vacuuming my skin onto my bones, and never feeling full or satisfied, because that would mean losing that control. But it's also the weight itself. And no matter how much I really do know that I can't keep losing weight, every time that scale shows lower numbers, I cheer a bit to myself. (I'm approaching double digits, and find myself hoping every morning that I've gotten there.)

The mirror thing? No, not like BDD, in that I know that what I'm seeing does relate to reality -- but in the way that you probably resemble your brother, you know?

Gotta go -- we're late. Again. {{sigh}} Love you!

 

Re: Musing about dx again, any thoughts? » Racer

Posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 12:52:28

In reply to Musing about dx again, any thoughts?, posted by Racer on September 7, 2004, at 16:03:35

Given other things you've written here, what about PTSD? Could they list the obsessive compulsive and anorectic symptoms as part of the PTSD related anxiety?

 

Is it ironic... » Noa

Posted by Racer on September 11, 2004, at 13:37:30

In reply to Re: Musing about dx again, any thoughts? » Racer, posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 12:52:28

I've been having vivid anxiety dreams recently (since titrating up on the Cymbalta) *about* that agency... Closest I can really come to PTSD, really, in terms of the flashbacks, nightmares, etc -- nightmares about my nightmare of treatment there. I'm not sure it fits the definition of "irony", but it's close enough for government work, wouldn't you say?

I'm still musing and wondering about the whole thing. One problem is that, even though I *want* to bring it up with my therapist, I just haven't been able to make myself do so. I walk in there, determined to mention it, at least, and then -- can't. I have said a few things that I think have probably put it on her radar -- in talking about the cops, I pointed out that I weighed 105# (then) and really couldn't have done much damage, even if I had tried (she's several inches shorter than I, and quite slim -- and I'm pretty sure weighs more than that); and one day I somehow got onto a fairly obsessive jag about food and how much I wanted beignets and fank and palascintas -- but it hasn't ever been mentioned directly.

Here's the problem: I'm too conflicted about saying anything about it directly, both because every time it's been dismissed, it's felt as if I was being sentenced to continue on this way, and because I still have that urge to see the lower numbers on the scale. I guess I *want* help with it, but I want the help to be *offered* because I don't feel I can get it if I *ask* for it.

OK, someone please explain that to me? I just don't understand. (Except, of course, that I do... {shrug} Guess I'm Froot Loops, huh?)

Nice to see you, Noa. How've you been?

 

Re: Is it ironic...

Posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 15:08:14

In reply to Is it ironic... » Noa, posted by Racer on September 11, 2004, at 13:37:30

"Closest I can really come to PTSD, really, in terms of the flashbacks, nightmares, etc" --

Well, from some stuff I've read, PTSD doesn't always mean flashbacks, I don't think. I think it can also be that a whole lot of mental and body energy goes into avoiding the traumatic memories, and this can bring on lots of different kinds of behaviors and symptoms. Plus if the trauma happened as a kid, all that anxiety gets kind of imbedded into the body, don't you think?

I wonder also if maybe your therapist doesn't want to 'go there' with you in focusing on the anorexia, since you've been so agitated?

 

That could be... » Noa

Posted by Racer on September 11, 2004, at 16:17:00

In reply to Re: Is it ironic..., posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 15:08:14

It certainly is a charged subject for me, after all...

{sigh}

Whatever happens with it in the end, let's go back to the original question for a minute: any thoughts on bringing it up with Dr NoName regarding making the dx official in case I run into another Dr EyeCandy?

Meanwhile, Noa, how the [warmish place] are you? You've been missed here, and it's great to see you drop by.

 

Re: That could be... » Racer

Posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 18:19:16

In reply to That could be... » Noa, posted by Racer on September 11, 2004, at 16:17:00

I'm ok. Been very busy and overloaded at work, so not much time lately for going online.

I'm not sure how to answer your question. Tell me briefly why the diagnosis is feeling essential at this point in time?

 

Re: That could be... » Noa

Posted by Racer on September 12, 2004, at 12:51:26

In reply to Re: That could be... » Racer, posted by Noa on September 11, 2004, at 18:19:16

Couple of reasons for it coming up as something I am concerned about, mostly having to do with protecting myself if anything like what's gone on in the last year ever comes up again. As for the timing, that's just because the new doctor has done a more in depth evaluation, and made some changes to my Official Diagnosis, and I guess since that's changing anyway, it came to mind that it may as well be made complete now.

The protection thing is just because I *did* bring up the problem when it first started up again. Now, I'm beyond bringing it up during treatment, but back when it was starting, I was still able to say it out loud. I guess it's hoping that if it ever happens again, and the "mental health professionals" do hear me say something, having it on my official diagnostic history will make it easier for them to address it. Does that make any sense?

(Although I do notice that I can say it here, but I guess that's the anonymous quality of the internet, huh?)

Oscar Wilde was right, I guess. Work really *is* the curse of the drinking class. Guess it's the curse of the Babbling class, too. It's still good to see you when you can make it here.

 

Re: That could be... » Racer

Posted by Noa on September 13, 2004, at 18:51:50

In reply to Re: That could be... » Noa, posted by Racer on September 12, 2004, at 12:51:26

Well, maybe you can just bring it up now and say something like...

'since you were getting a comprehensive history, one thing we haven't talked about yet that I feel you should know about and include in the histroy is that I have a history of anorexia, I wanted to let you know now, because I'm concerned that if it becomes an active issue again, it would be important for you to be aware of my history, since I'm afraid I might not introduce it into our discussion when it needs to be addressed.'

Even if they don't give you an official diagnosis, I'm sure they can note it in the history (and it sounds like it would be helpful to do so).

 

Update

Posted by Racer on September 15, 2004, at 14:52:03

In reply to Re: That could be... » Racer, posted by Noa on September 13, 2004, at 18:51:50

Well, I saw the doctor today, and we went over time -- again -- and I managed to bring it up, but we didn't have time to talk about it. He did say that we should talk about it next time, though, so at least I know that we'll have a chance to discuss it.

I still haven't been able to bring it up with my therapist, though. {sigh} Dr NoName asked if it was something he could mention in talking to her, but I was totally paralyzed by that question, so he said he wouldn't mention it.

I'm frustrated by the lack of time, because at this point I know that the weight is affecting me in a lot of ways, and I want something to happen NOW. At least there's a chink in the darkness, letting in a little light, though. It *will* be discussed, to the best of my ability, in three weeks.

That's my update on this subject.


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