Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by noa on April 23, 2004, at 20:22:59
Just wondering and hoping you are doing ok. sending hugs.
Posted by Racer on April 24, 2004, at 18:08:02
In reply to RACER where are you?, posted by noa on April 23, 2004, at 20:22:59
Well, be careful what you wish for...
I'm off the carousel, onto the roller coaster. I'm feeling so wretched, and alternating between cautious hope and utter despair. The game of Telephone being played at this agency is really devastating, especially since it really does matter who actually said specifically what, and I can't know that. The good news is that I left a message for my new therapist about the latest blindsiding knockout punch, so I suspect it will come up at our next session.
Part of what makes it so frustrating is that I was working so hard to try to trust her enough to talk about some of the things that are so much on my mind, and this latest really and truly made me feel utterly betrayed. Since she didn't return my call, I don't even know if she really did what she's said to have done or not. I hope that there was some sort of miscommunication, but the fear that there wasn't is pretty distressing. And then I've got that fatalistic streak saying, "If it turns out that she's going to ask me to gut it out 'for my own good,' well, then that's the end. I can't keep trying so hard without anyone else making any effort." And then I get to beat myself up over what a childish jerk I am, how I'm shooting myself in the foot by refusing the services they're supposed to provide, even though the services provided so far are actively destroying me at this point.
Here's a question for you, about trust. Right now, everyone keeps saying that I have to be the one to make the effort to trust them, since they're there to help me. And I keep trying, and keep failing, and try a little less each time because of how badly it hurts each time someone there betrays me. And, of course, if I say that I feel betrayed, they tell me I'm wrong, of course no one has betrayed me, etc. But don't they have some sort of responsibility in the whole Trust Game? Isn't it right for them to earn my trust in some way? Or is it really all my responsibility to force myself to trust them, and then force myself to continue trusting them after every blow leveled against me?
I know, I really do know. They do have some responsibility in this, and they do need to make some sort of effort to earn my trust, rather than sitting there passively like some benign Buddah waiting for disciples to come and worship. And I do know that they are neither perceiving nor respecting me by their continued insistance that I do all the work and put up with all the [stuff you scrape off your shoes] they've thrown at me so far. And you know what else? Sure, I'm disturbed, I'm hypersensitive, I get hysterical easily, and I over-react a lot. Guess what? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M THERE TO BE TREATED FOR!!!
I'm so very, very close to just giving up entirely. I'm out of energy, and I just feel as if I've been fighting so long, without a rest, and I don't have the energy to keep fighting. And the latest with this therapist was really, really devastating.
Posted by noa on April 24, 2004, at 21:05:06
In reply to Remember I said I wanted off the carousel?, posted by Racer on April 24, 2004, at 18:08:02
I don't know what to make of the complicated agency workings.
All I can say is that I care about you and I do think you need meds. I wish you weren't suffering so. I do believe you can get better.
When is your next session with her?
Please please take care of yourself.
Posted by Racer on April 25, 2004, at 0:35:27
In reply to Re: Remember I said I wanted off the carousel?, posted by noa on April 24, 2004, at 21:05:06
Monday will be a big day for me, first therapy in the morning, then a CT scan of my abdomen in the afternoon. I'm so terrified about that, which doesn't help any of the other stuff much. No doubt you can imagine.
The hardest part of all this is that people keep SAYING that I can trust them, they're trying to help me, etc, but I don't see any signs of anyone DOING anything to back that up. Does that make sense? When I've tried to say that, they deny it, "After all, dear, you're Mentally Ill." Again, isn't that what I'm supposed to be receiving treatment for?
So far, their treatment has resulted in me becoming much worse than I was. Before the switch in therapists, I could go to the supermarket with my husband, I could go out on my own for easy errands, I was a little underweight but only a little. Now I can get to my therapy appointments -- just barely -- but leaving the house for anything else is too overwhelming; I'm 30 pounds underweight and feeling fat as a house; it's hard for me to speak at all; I've managed to alienate someone who was trying to offer support to me, by becoming too withdrawn to answer the telephone or deal with email. Does any of that sound like progress? Only if they're trying to create a new race of permanent patients, right?
I might agree about medications, except that I'm now terrified about them. That's part of the issue with the therapist this past week. Well, what it's really about is that I hear things second hand from people on the treatment team, I guess. Anyway, with the things some people there have said to me, I really can't face seeing the doctor -- since they've made it seem as if he's the one who's just cavalierly said that I need to take the drugs no matter what side effects I have. Four people now have told me that I'm just being too sensitive, I need to take the drugs no matter how they make me feel, that it doesn't matter if the side effects are intolerable -- I just need to take what the doctor orders no matter what. They make it sound as if he's the one saying this, and so at this point I would rather die than go in to see him. Mind you, that's what I meant about a game of Telephone: I don't know what he actually said, I only know what has been filtered through some other people. On the other hand, I see him for five minutes a month -- or did, when I actually saw him -- and I'm still nowhere near stabilized after 8 months. I know there's a lag time between when you start a drug and when it works, but it really does seem as if maybe a little more effort or urgency on his part might be in order? At least either seeing me a little more frequently or telephone check ins or something, until we got me somewhere near functional? Five minutes a month is fine, even excessive, once someone's stabilized, but I haven't come close to that in all this time. Especially considering that I've told them a number of times that I'm in a state of crisis, and don't know how long I can keep holding on. Oh, yeah, well since I'm both female and mentally ill, I must be overstating it, right? After all, the possession of a uterus is the diagnostic criteria for hysteria, isn't it?
On the other hand, I'm still in the process of that root canal, and the dentist gave me a prescription for painkillers. I didn't know Percodan was Oxycodone, did you? No wonder all those people want it for recreational use! I'm not in much pain this weekend, thanks to the good dentist. And suddenly I understand at least one thing about Rush Limbaugh... (No, doesn't mean I feel any sympathy for him at all, but at least I can see why someone would like this feeling.)
The worst of all this right now is that, after our last session, I thought that this therapist and I could get through my fear of the doctor enough to get me to my next appointment. What happened yesterday was such a slap in the face that it's hard to imagine getting there anytime soon. Damn it all, whether it's me being too sensitive or them just screwing up out of thoughtlessness or stupidity or even cruelty, it still leaves me without the support I need. Damn it all.
Posted by noa on April 26, 2004, at 19:04:49
In reply to Back to the amusement park on Monday » noa, posted by Racer on April 25, 2004, at 0:35:27
This is the end of the thread.
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