Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 11740

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 18, 1999, at 11:04:17

I want to stomp my feet and scream and be aggitated in the middle of the grocery store for no apparant, logical reason. And at the same time, I want to curl up in a fetal position, under the covers and just go into a coma until this hurricane in my brain called bi-polar subsides. I want to talk. I want to talk. I WANT TO TALK. But no one understands. It is like I have to explain the whole illness to them, and even that would be so inadequite, before I can explain my feelings.
The psychiatrist listened just long enough to up all my meds. I feel like if I could just tell every feeling I'm having, it would help. I just want to sleep. Like go to a hotel until this is over. I'll feel hurt if no one answers me here like all the other times I've made comments and everyone just blew me off. Janet

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by jamie on September 18, 1999, at 12:22:52

In reply to Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 18, 1999, at 11:04:17

I understand. Believe me. It is darn near impossible...actually, I take that back...it is totally impossible to relate the feelings to someone who hasn't been there. I could try to explain my illness and how I feel till I'm blue in the face, and all I would get is blank looks and skepticism. Like I have to defend myself or something. Unless a doc has been mentally ill, even their best efforts cannot relate. But I can relate. I hear ya. I too just want to go away and come back when I'm better. But over time I've realized first that I cannot explain it to someone else, so I don't even try anymore, and second, that I have to go on and do the best I can. I have come to rely on myself and God. If I get help from others, great. But I don't expect it anymore. I don't count on it. And I don't ask for it. I guess it all has to do with the process of coming to terms with the problems we have. Just wanted to say, I hear ya, I'm with ya. Some of us DO understand, and you aren't alone.

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 18, 1999, at 18:04:52

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by jamie on September 18, 1999, at 12:22:52

> I understand. Believe me. It is darn near impossible...actually, I take that back...it is totally impossible to relate the feelings to someone who hasn't been there. I could try to explain my illness and how I feel till I'm blue in the face, and all I would get is blank looks and skepticism. Like I have to defend myself or something. Unless a doc has been mentally ill, even their best efforts cannot relate. But I can relate. I hear ya. I too just want to go away and come back when I'm better. But over time I've realized first that I cannot explain it to someone else, so I don't even try anymore, and second, that I have to go on and do the best I can. I have come to rely on myself and God. If I get help from others, great. But I don't expect it anymore. I don't count on it. And I don't ask for it. I guess it all has to do with the process of coming to terms with the problems we have. Just wanted to say, I hear ya, I'm with ya. Some of us DO understand, and you aren't alone.

THANK YOU. I have this intense urge to explain how I feel, as if that will make it all go away or solve it. I know on the outside I look pretty ok, but in my head are thoughts and imaginations. I'm a pretty calm person usually, but I feel irate and like yelling at every injustice that comes along. I feel like flying and being creative yet sleeping forever. I just want to take a handful of pills until the hurricane is over. My doc. is out of town until Oct. 5. so I'm just upping all my meds. each night hoping in a few days I'll reach theraputic level.Janet

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Dee on September 19, 1999, at 1:46:25

In reply to Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 18, 1999, at 11:04:17

There is no way anyone can have even remote understanding about how wee feel in the pit. This is why I find peer support so important. Personally I need to have people around me that I know exactly how I feel when I am down there.
I have quite a lot of writing on that, I'll try to compile some of it on a web site & drop the URL here when I do. What should I call that? Too bad 'Psycho babble' is already taken. ;o)
Hang in there
Dee

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 19, 1999, at 16:32:56

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Dee on September 19, 1999, at 1:46:25

Hi Janet, Keep writing to us! At least we understand. I don't tell anyone in my day to day life about my manic depression because I am afraid I may eventually suffer from their ignorance.

Write to tell us everything. You'd probably enjoy it, and I'd find it interesting. i could compare how you feel to my own mixed states, and maybe even get some insights for you and for myself.

If the urge to express yourself passes, let us know how you're doing anyway. Janice

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 19, 1999, at 20:13:21

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 19, 1999, at 16:32:56

> Hi Janet, Keep writing to us! At least we understand. I don't tell anyone in my day to day life about my manic depression because I am afraid I may eventually suffer from their ignorance.
>
> Write to tell us everything. You'd probably enjoy it, and I'd find it interesting. i could compare how you feel to my own mixed states, and maybe even get some insights for you and for myself.
>
> If the urge to express yourself passes, let us know how you're doing anyway. Janice

I feel an intensity of relaxation.
Period.
New sentence.
I feel sexual.
I feel slow,not adventurous or curious.
Action
Silent. Deliberate. Sobering.Manic doesn't have to mean hyper.
It can mean intense searching.
Deeply sensational.
Completely absorbed.
Ectasty, energy. I want to go on a cold, brisk walk with my eyes closed.
Classical music. Pushing, as in labor. Manic.Sleeping of wonderful dreams, away from all the mixed up feelings. Talk. Explain. Describe.Articulate. Educate. Staring. Silence. I don't want to answer, "how do you feel?"
Irritation. Questions. Wishing it would just all go away. Far far away. Janet

 

time to get help the old-fashion way Janet

Posted by Janice on September 19, 1999, at 21:18:09

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 19, 1999, at 20:13:21

It's great to express yourself, but I think you should go to the doctors. I think you said your doctor wasn't coming back till October; don't wait, I'd go see someone tomorrow.

Your highs are a little higher than I was imagining. take care and let us know how you're doing. Janice.

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Dee on September 19, 1999, at 22:47:10

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 19, 1999, at 20:13:21

Janet, that was beautiful.
Dee

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Noa on September 20, 1999, at 3:45:47

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Dee on September 19, 1999, at 22:47:10

Janet, your poetry is beautiful.

When I read your first messages, I was concerned. Is there anyone covering for your doctor? I am concerned about you making decisions to increase your dosages while your doctor is away, all while you are experiencing a mixed state. If your doctor did not give you the name of a doctor who is covering, find a doctor anyway. A mixed state is not a good time to be making self-medication decisions. You need guidance, someone to sit and talk with. Take care. Keep us posted.

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 20, 1999, at 10:05:15

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Noa on September 20, 1999, at 3:45:47

> Janet, your poetry is beautiful.
>
> When I read your first messages, I was concerned. Is there anyone covering for your doctor? I am concerned about you making decisions to increase your dosages while your doctor is away, all while you are experiencing a mixed state. If your doctor did not give you the name of a doctor who is covering, find a doctor anyway. A mixed state is not a good time to be making self-medication decisions. You need guidance, someone to sit and talk with. Take care. Keep us posted.

My doc's partner finally returned my call two days late. I said I'd been feeling pretty bad but at that moment I was better and that I increased all my meds. He said great,bye. That was Fri. Meanwhile , I crashed and mania is the furthest thing from my mind. Depression with a capital D.

Do you want to know how depression feels? Slow. Deliberate. Unfocused. Aggitated but too stoned to do anything about it. Secret thoughts. Internalizing. Sounds. Hopelessness. Self-absorbed. Janet

 

time to get a new doctor

Posted by Janice on September 20, 1999, at 22:10:43

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 20, 1999, at 10:05:15


sorry to hear about the depression and the doctor. I'd be looking for a new doctor if I were you. take care okf yourself Janet. Janice.

I liked 'secret thoughts'; it's so true, i never feel like i could tell anyone these thoughts i have when I'm depressed. They are completely convincing and somehow i would know if i said them, they would sound twisted.

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 21, 1999, at 8:39:34

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by jamie on September 18, 1999, at 12:22:52

Jamie,
I think I expect too much of others. Also, even though I want to experience a thing called therapy, I've yet to find satisfaction in the 15 min. med. consults I've been getting. When I mentioned cognitive threrapy to 3 docs. they say to just think positive and take more meds.
As I write, it makes me want to scream. Doesn't any doc. care about me? A year ago I had a therapist that I was beginning to trust, and I had to move. Anyway, right now I feel that if I read the Bible I'll get better. better go Janet

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Bob on September 21, 1999, at 15:15:46

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 21, 1999, at 8:39:34

Janet,

15 minute consultations are not therapy, no matter what your 3 docs may think. And I imagine that they do care about you in their own way. The problem is, the medical model's standard portrayal of patients is hardly that of fellow human beings. Thank goodness there are those (such as Dr. Bob, who besides being named 'Bob' also has provided this space for us as well as the rest of his site!) who realize patients are human beings and not mechanisms to be fixed.

One of the most important things my clinician-in-training girlfriend has taught me is to be an active participant in my health care decision-making. Even down to questioning a doctor's prescription for a scratchy throat. I was raised to believe that doctors knew everything, or at least far more of this mysticism called medicine than I could ever be able to comprehend, and that I should unconditionally accept what my doctor has to tell me and do what he says to do. It's superstitious hogwash, but I think it's a pretty common superstition that winds up making HMO officials quite a bit of money. I've been tempted to change my pdoc because I've had such mediocre results with my meds over the last 2.5 years ... but my GP asked me whether my relationship with the pdoc was worth giving up. It wasn't -- in spite of the trouble we've had finding the right combination of meds, my pdoc knows me and my situation very well; he's very responsive outside of our monthly sessions should I need him; and I trust him. It's like you said about that therapist you moved away from -- that trust is so essential and it can take a long time to develop that trust. I took me more than a year in therapy before I could admit that I needed anyone else's help and, more importantly, that I needed my therapist's help. It's like they say -- the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

So, if you think your 3 pdocs are full of it on their "smile and take a pill" attitude, then go get a therapist. They aren't in charge of your health -- you are.

strength and courage to you,
Bob

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Janet on September 21, 1999, at 17:37:58

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Bob on September 21, 1999, at 15:15:46

> Janet,
>
> 15 minute consultations are not therapy, no matter what your 3 docs may think. And I imagine that they do care about you in their own way. The problem is, the medical model's standard portrayal of patients is hardly that of fellow human beings. Thank goodness there are those (such as Dr. Bob, who besides being named 'Bob' also has provided this space for us as well as the rest of his site!) who realize patients are human beings and not mechanisms to be fixed.
>
> One of the most important things my clinician-in-training girlfriend has taught me is to be an active participant in my health care decision-making. Even down to questioning a doctor's prescription for a scratchy throat. I was raised to believe that doctors knew everything, or at least far more of this mysticism called medicine than I could ever be able to comprehend, and that I should unconditionally accept what my doctor has to tell me and do what he says to do. It's superstitious hogwash, but I think it's a pretty common superstition that winds up making HMO officials quite a bit of money. I've been tempted to change my pdoc because I've had such mediocre results with my meds over the last 2.5 years ... but my GP asked me whether my relationship with the pdoc was worth giving up. It wasn't -- in spite of the trouble we've had finding the right combination of meds, my pdoc knows me and my situation very well; he's very responsive outside of our monthly sessions should I need him; and I trust him. It's like you said about that therapist you moved away from -- that trust is so essential and it can take a long time to develop that trust. I took me more than a year in therapy before I could admit that I needed anyone else's help and, more importantly, that I needed my therapist's help. It's like they say -- the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.
>
> So, if you think your 3 pdocs are full of it on their "smile and take a pill" attitude, then go get a therapist. They aren't in charge of your health -- you are.
>
> strength and courage to you,
> Bob
Thanks Bob,
I'm so depressed now , it scares me. I don't know enough about what I need med. wise. And the the talkitive mania is gone with the wind. I'm just an empty shell now that does not care. I have an appt. with a mental health counselor tommarrow. I don't know her qualifications or what I'll say.
I am void of all words, of all life. You people know what I mean, of how I feel. I don't think I'll pick up the knife and cut my tongue off, but don't those thoughts come anyway? I have too wonderful a family to do that to. I can't believe this roller coaster came again. I was doing so, so well. Janet

 

Re: Mixed state

Posted by Noa on September 21, 1999, at 20:44:05

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Janet on September 21, 1999, at 17:37:58

Janet, I am glad you made an appointment to talk to someone. If you feel you might do something to hurt yourself, I hope you will get IMMEDIATE help, like going to the emergency room. We all know how depression can color our thinking. I know. The point is to get through it, to survive this current mood until it passes, either on its own or with the help of meds. But you clearly need to talk to someone and get support. I agree with Bob. Brief med appointments are not therapy. I know it is hard to get to know a new therapist, but it is definitely worth the try. And if the first one is not right for you, don't give up, interview another one. There is a therapist out there that you can trust and work well with. Take care.

 

You're a smart guy Bob...

Posted by Janice on September 21, 1999, at 22:33:36

In reply to Re: Mixed state, posted by Noa on September 21, 1999, at 20:44:05

Hi Janet, I aggree with Bob, take charge because those doctors don't read minds and, by the sounds of it, don't even hear voices. I've passed myself off for normal pretty well my entire life (at least I liked to think so...me, I just assumed everyone else was acting too). I'm sure they are like most other people who have underlying assumptions about what someone with a mental illness is like, and you're not it.

And when you see your therapist, tell her how bad you feel and how you've been dismissed by 3 doctors. I'm glad you have a great family, Janice.


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