Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 10516

Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

I am today going up to 200 mg Serzone, and coincidentally an old, triggering relationship visited my life, & refuses to leave my head.
I have been walking around by myself for three hours, taking the train home I started crying... All I could think about is that i must survive until I come home to my computer and can just cry out for help! I just don't know how to go on to next second, not to talk about that I will have to be there tomorrow, next month and all my life ... And I just cannot , can not...

I am just so tired and I am asking why me! why is it that I have to go through this thing over and over and over and over... I can handle it, I will come out of it but then it will come again and again.
And there is nowhere I can go and nothing I can do and no one I can turn to...
I used to, when things got overwhelming, pack a bag and move to another place... I've moved over sixty times in twenty years, and I am tired of even that... I keep saying to myself that If I stay this time, and follow up with treatment and stuff it wil eventually get better, but today I have no faith in nothing... I feel like I was being eaten alive...
Is there anyone who can help me...

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Yardena on August 22, 1999, at 20:38:25

In reply to In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

Dee,

By not "running away", you are being very courageous. It is so hard to let go of old coping strategies, even long after we know they aren't effective anymore, or are adding to the problem. And here you are, using a new strategy, ie, reaching out for support!

Remember the other day, when you wrote a post in the thread about having children? Your message was so eloquent and so hopeful. Can you place yourself mentally in that hopeful space? Visualize yourself writing that message and try to reexperience the hopefullness you were feeling.

Also, scrool up and read Roo's message about "cradling the dark, sad places". That really helped me.

Keep in touch.

 

Hang on

Posted by Racer on August 22, 1999, at 23:47:35

In reply to In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

Dee,

I'm the other ex-speed queen who answered you above. Hang on, and here's some hope for you.

The speed and the moving kinda go together, don't you think? You've started to dig yourself out from one unhealthy way to medicate yourself, so now you're going to have to struggle with another. Wouldn't it be nice if you could take them one at a time? Still, it just doesn't often happen that life gives us what we would choose.

Today I wrecked my car. I love my car, and I was planning to spend some money on materials to do an art project after work, and just about one month ago it would have had me crying and attempting suicide. Now, though, I just said 'what a drag', did what needed to be done with the insurance company, and made arrangements with a buddy to take me into the City (an hour away) to get the art supplies mid-week and have dinner out. You know what? It's not so bad. Sure, it's a major drag to have bad things happen, but the snowball isn't growing. This is just a little knock in my life, not something to send me over the edge.

What I'm trying to say is that it will feel better, but there's some nastiness to get through first. Talk to your doctor regularly, though, because if the Serzone isn't helping, and you're feeling worse, you need to have that hope held out to you. You need to know that the doctor is going to help you, even changing meds if one doesn't work. Sure, maybe the depression will come again, but then again, maybe it won't. Don't borrow trouble, we all get enough. Meanwhile, I'm on the West Coast, in Northern California, and I'm pulling for you so hard that I'd almost bet you can feel it! C'mon, I'll be your cheerleader! And you know that I've been through my own hell, different from yours so I can't say that I know what you're feeling, but no less real to me. I'm pulling for you, and offering my own experience as hope for you.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Dee on August 23, 1999, at 0:29:50

In reply to In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

I haven't cried since I was a child... I think, now you made me cry. Embarrassing? So what.
I don't know where you are pulling Yardena, but I know Racer is 3200 miles from New York City... Yet you feel so close.

Strange how things work out sometimes. I came to this site specifically to find out about what to except of Serzone... And I found a family.

"Again the forest is fragrant
soaring larks lift up aloft
with them the sky that to our shoulders was heavy"
~Rilke

I have no word for how much you being htere means to me
Dee

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by JohnL on August 23, 1999, at 4:21:00

In reply to In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

Dee, I hear you. I know that dark place all too well. It breaks my heart to know you've been subjected to that horrible place. I think we can say that when we die we don't need to go to hell because we've already been there done that!

I feel so much for you. In typcial guy fashion though, I'll get right to the Mr Fix-it role. I don't think SAMe is the magic depression cure-all that it is touted to be. At least not for me. But I can say it definitely provides a bridge of relief to buy some time. If you have $20 and a Wal*Mart, try a box of NatureMade brand SAMe. Take on an empty stomach 2 pills in mid morning and 2 in mid afternoon. I think you'll feel better enough to get through the roughest times. Usually kicks in from day one to day three area.

The feelings you describe are not unusual for Serzone. Were you feeling this bad before Serzone? Or did it come on after Serzone? Any doctor would probably say more time and more dosage is needed for a good assessment, but that's easy for them to say! Most have no clue of the nature of that dark dark dark place. I reiterate I truly think SAMe is worth a try to buy you some time and quick relief. I say this because I know that dark place and SAMe does help enough to see light and feel relief. I want very much for you to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can't think of anything faster than SAMe to get you over the hump and I hope it's OK for me to share this tip with you. Hang in there Dee, we're with you! JohnL.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Roo on August 23, 1999, at 8:03:53

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by JohnL on August 23, 1999, at 4:21:00

Dee,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so awful. I know
that feeling of just being so _SICK_ of it all.
I can't help but wonder, b/c of my own horrible
experience on Serzone, if it could be contributing
to your mood. It effects some people that way. It
did for me--put an unbearable EDGE to my depression.
Have you noticed feeling worse since you've taken
it? How long have you taken it?

I know it's hard, but try and be good to yourself.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Ruth on August 23, 1999, at 21:54:26

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Roo on August 23, 1999, at 8:03:53

Dee-
I wish I could send a bundle of strength to you because I know how oppressive it is when you find yourself in the black hole. I know too that it hasn't helped me when people have said to hang on that things will get better. But maybe it has because I have tried holding on to that.
And what alternative is there. If I am to be alive which I am then somehow I need to get through the black times. One of the things that has helped me has been having some acceptance that the black times will happen, so I am not caught by suprise when they happen.
What helps me is giving myself permission to do kindnesses towards myself (buying flowers, taking a nap...whatever. What is harder for me, but helpful is allowing others to show me their kindness and caring.
I hope for you that you have people in your life to be there for you. But in any case you have those of us here on this board who will stick with you through this time.


> Dee,
>
> I'm really sorry that you're feeling so awful. I know
> that feeling of just being so _SICK_ of it all.
> I can't help but wonder, b/c of my own horrible
> experience on Serzone, if it could be contributing
> to your mood. It effects some people that way. It
> did for me--put an unbearable EDGE to my depression.
> Have you noticed feeling worse since you've taken
> it? How long have you taken it?
>
> I know it's hard, but try and be good to yourself.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by yardena on August 24, 1999, at 20:57:15

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 23, 1999, at 0:29:50

Hey, Dee, How ya doin? Still thinking about you.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Dee on August 24, 1999, at 22:43:45

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by yardena on August 24, 1999, at 20:57:15

> Hey, Dee, How ya doin? Still thinking about you.
I am much better than I was... Sunday was my definitive bottom, and worse than I have had for a long, long time. Last winter I made a mistake of hanging on to ar relationship that was way worse than over just because of the extreme anxiety and panic attack that hit me every time I was about to put an end to it. I allowed myself to be used as a doormat, and in the long run that ended up causing me much more pain than it would, had I put an end to the madness when I first intended to. This was not a healthy relationship, and when I receive that call it kicks up all my shit and everything is as if it never had ended.
I don't know if it is the medicine or the fact that some time has passed, but this is passing much faster than these hits used to... Also I must say that there was a fully new kind of edge to the whole, & I decided I should avoid public places for a cuple of days just in case I couldn't control the impulses... Way far from serenity.
Also, I made a kind of strange observation: When I was asked if it had been this bad before, the answer is I think so, but I cannot say. Once the attack is passed I don't really remember what if felt like... I find this a little strange considering that at times I've been occupied 100% for weeks by them. Does anyone relate?
Again, I can not thank all of you enough for the kind words and encouragement... Sometimes I think that maybe the amount of pain is constant and we just take turns carrying it, just so that I can take a break from that meaningless question 'why me?'. And it would make this load so much easier to carry to know that I am making it just maybe a little better for one of some wonderful people.

 

I like that theory

Posted by Racer on August 25, 1999, at 2:15:56

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 24, 1999, at 22:43:45

Of course, if it's true, then the people here are carrying most of the world!

Seriously, I have an ongoing relationship that sounds a lot like yours. He was the center of my universe for many years, and then he moved to New York. That's still not far enough away, but we'll let that pass. Every year or so, he calls me. Usually we get together, and for the last several years, I've made sure not to be alone with him for any reason. This year, though, we spent the most wonderful evening. Dinner, a nice stroll around my little cowtown, drinks under the stars, and then he drove me home. As soon as we got into the car, he pounced on me, and I did something amazing! Something totally unexpected! I pushed him away. The feeling was overwhelming! Wonderful! I was finally over him.

Eventually, these things find a perspective in your heart and soul. This fellow has a certain amount of affection from me, which I can spare him. The same way you might think a spoiled, untrained dog is still sweet - you just want nothing to do with it...

Here's a smile for you, Dee, and my continued good wishes. Remember, the problem with old relationships like that is that it's as if the trash you leave by the curb crawled out of the can and back into your house. It's a drag, having to throw it away all over again, but eventually it gets carted off to the dump and you never have to deal with it again.

with warmest thoughts to you

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by R. Judith Vincent on February 28, 2000, at 18:32:43

In reply to In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Dee on August 22, 1999, at 20:17:35

> I am today going up to 200 mg Serzone, and coincidentally an old, triggering relationship visited my life, & refuses to leave my head.
> I have been walking around by myself for three hours, taking the train home I started crying... All I could think about is that i must survive until I come home to my computer and can just cry out for help! I just don't know how to go on to next second, not to talk about that I will have to be there tomorrow, next month and all my life ... And I just cannot , can not...
>
> I am just so tired and I am asking why me! why is it that I have to go through this thing over and over and over and over... I can handle it, I will come out of it but then it will come again and again.
> And there is nowhere I can go and nothing I can do and no one I can turn to...
> I used to, when things got overwhelming, pack a bag and move to another place... I've moved over sixty times in twenty years, and I am tired of even that... I keep saying to myself that If I stay this time, and follow up with treatment and stuff it wil eventually get better, but today I have no faith in nothing... I feel like I was being eaten alive...
> Is there anyone who can help me...
Dee, I am a psychotherapist and I can help you. Please email me. I would be happy to talk with you anytime.
Judith

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Noa on February 28, 2000, at 18:46:38

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by R. Judith Vincent on February 28, 2000, at 18:33:26

Hi. Actually, that was written a LOOOOOOOOONNNNG time ago, and Dee started to feel better after that. She had some dips again, but actually, I think the reason she stopped coming here was that she was feeling a lot better!

Can you tell us who you are and how you practice over the internet or by email? Are you affiliated with the associations that Dr. Bob Hsiung is involved with that provide guidelines for mental health practice through electronic communication? Are you recruiting clients?

Just some friendly questions.

 

Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!

Posted by Brenda on February 28, 2000, at 19:15:59

In reply to Re: In a dark, dark, dark place. Help!, posted by Noa on February 28, 2000, at 18:46:38

> Hi. Actually, that was written a LOOOOOOOOONNNNG time ago, and Dee started to feel better after that. She had some dips again, but actually, I think the reason she stopped coming here was that she was feeling a lot better!
>
> Can you tell us who you are and how you practice over the internet or by email? Are you affiliated with the associations that Dr. Bob Hsiung is involved with that provide guidelines for mental health practice through electronic communication? Are you recruiting clients?
>
> Just some friendly questions.

I'm also a little curious.


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