Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 3845

Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by cait on March 19, 1999, at 21:26:04

I have read all of the posts to one person's call for help. I have cried out for help so many times--but my calls in the 1970s were in the form of slitting my wrists, overdosing on street drug (resulted in 2-wk coma), overdosing on valium (stomach pumped) and finally--almost 20-years later-- sitting in my kitchen for HOURS holding my revolver. What stopped me that time? Guilt.

So, yes, getting through a day, then a week, a month, a year CAN give one strength to push aside the Darkness. Yet I know in my heart that if I don't find "MY CURE" I will again enter that Dark Place.

Who out there will try to help me? I cannot go for inpatient treatment, I am addicted to both a stimulant and lorazepam, and I am responsible for the fulltime care of my brain damaged parent.

I am afraid this time around because I HAVE to be the 'caregiver.' But, who cares for me?

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by phyl on March 19, 1999, at 22:03:53

In reply to Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by cait on March 19, 1999, at 21:26:04

>We, the folks who use this site, care for you. We care about you. Talk to us. --phyl

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by Amanda on March 20, 1999, at 12:07:17

In reply to Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by cait on March 19, 1999, at 21:26:04

> I have read all of the posts to one person's call for help. I have cried out for help so many times--but my calls in the 1970s were in the form of slitting my wrists, overdosing on street drug (resulted in 2-wk coma), overdosing on valium (stomach pumped) and finally--almost 20-years later-- sitting in my kitchen for HOURS holding my revolver. What stopped me that time? Guilt.
>
> So, yes, getting through a day, then a week, a month, a year CAN give one strength to push aside the Darkness. Yet I know in my heart that if I don't find "MY CURE" I will again enter that Dark Place.
>
> Who out there will try to help me? I cannot go for inpatient treatment, I am addicted to both a stimulant and lorazepam, and I am responsible for the fulltime care of my brain damaged parent.
>
> I am afraid this time around because I HAVE to be the 'caregiver.' But, who cares for me?
Cait, listen to me, all my life has been one damn struggle after another, and on top of it I'm afflicted with panic disorder and depression. I've been down the road you seem to have, and continue to travel down. Many times I lost all hope and have done some pretty fucked up shit to myself. Thinking that I was only hurting myself and not taking into acount the feelings of my loved ones. Being "better" now, and thinking with a clearer head, I realize that killing myself would be the most selfish thing I could do. I would be absolutly DEVISTATED if one of my family members or one of the few people I love killed or hurt themselves----ESPECIALLY because I know the horror of what it's like to go though life without hope, and feeling that the only way to stop the hurting is to stop living. I've been though the masochistic cycle of abusing myself, (I'll spare you the details). I really don't have the answer for you, and I can garuntee you that the only person that can stop the hurting is you. By posting that thread, I know that's a call for help. I think it's a fucking disgrace that this land we life in can't, or won't provide the essential care that people like ourselves NEED. I think it was very wise of you to call for help this way. I came to a point in my life when I was responsible for the well being of other people too, and I did it. It actually gave me a feeling of self worth, and that's where it's at. You need to realize that every human life has worth, ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN LIFE. I'm not forcing my belives on you, but I can promise that I will pray for you, and if you need someone, I'll be here. You can talk to me. Until next time, please take care of yourself. You can do this.
Amanda

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by lisa on March 20, 1999, at 19:28:03

In reply to Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by cait on March 19, 1999, at 21:26:04

Dear Cait,
Please read my thread for IS IT WORTH IT.
You are worth it!!!!!!!!
You just need a willing heart.
Let me know if you are interested.

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by cait on March 20, 1999, at 20:18:21

In reply to Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by lisa on March 20, 1999, at 19:28:03

To phyl, Amanda, and lisa:
Thank you for hearing. I know I need help beyond myself (still mired down in that childhood axiom, "You can do anything that you set your mind to do.") I fear that after fighting so many battles, I am now just serving my time. The warnings about stopping the lorazepam frighten me. But I am caught in that vicious cycle: something to provide the energy to handle the day, then something to level it off. I can't live like this much longer--it is too hard on my mind, body, and Soul. What can I do? Help me , please.
cait

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by lisa on March 20, 1999, at 23:49:39

In reply to Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by cait on March 20, 1999, at 20:18:21

Cait,
Please don't give up!! I pray that you trust me and at least inquire about the workshop.

The Weigh Down Workshop
Exodus from Strongholds

Gwen Shamblin Founder/Director

1-800-844-5208

www.wdworkshop.com

Another favorite website is http://www.ohiowebsite.com/more/index/html

I will pray for peace for you tonight so you can rest and get a good nights sleep.

 

Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help

Posted by Cindy on March 21, 1999, at 12:01:51

In reply to Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by lisa on March 20, 1999, at 23:49:39

> Cait,
> Please don't give up!! I pray that you trust me and at least inquire about the workshop.
>
> The Weigh Down Workshop
> Exodus from Strongholds
>
> Gwen Shamblin Founder/Director
>
> 1-800-844-5208
>
> www.wdworkshop.com
>
> Another favorite website is http://www.ohiowebsite.com/more/index/html
>
> I will pray for peace for you tonight so you can rest and get a good nights sleep.

Cait, I to have struggled for years and have been known to self medicate and cause harm to myself. Feelings of hopeless, guilt, and shame will cause one to go to great lengths to feel better. We are all battling everyday and fighting with what strength we have to fight our diseases. Don't let anyone fool you we all have a disease and we cannot help if our bodies does'nt produce the chemicals we need to balance it out. I have been told over and over you look great how in the world can you be sick. Nobody in the world knows how devastating this disease is unless you have it. I am new to this site and have found it to be so comforting. Before I felt so alone, but now I know there is hope. I know the drug trails can be terrible and I'm still searching myself. I am 33 years old and have been struggling with clinical depression half of my life. To many times I would give up on drugs and then would find myself worse each time. After hiding for nearly 3 years in my bed and feeling like I did'nt have no need to live anymore I decided to go back to the doctor and seek help. This time I am sticking to my therapy I have to I have lost to much already. I will be praying for you and pray that you have the strength to seek help. You have been through so much you could be of great help to others. I may not no much but I do have an ear and I would be willing to listen if you need a friend. I now what its like to be hurting.

May GOD Bless you and give You strength,

Cindy

 

Re: Breakdown? to Cindy

Posted by cait on March 21, 1999, at 19:09:46

In reply to Re: Suicide Act as a DESPERATE Call for Help, posted by Cindy on March 21, 1999, at 12:01:51

Cindy, thank you for hearing. I DO need someone to listen... even if to just allow me to put some thoughts into words that someone else might read and understand.

I have survived to the age of 43. And you are right about outward appearance! People "see" what they know how to see. The eyes really can be a mirror of one's soul... but rare is it that people take the time to look. "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Rememer that one!

Yesterday I visited with my son (age 19). He suffered brain damage after birth, and he has no self help skills. I try to keep him well groomed (remember how people "see") so I trimmed his beautiful hair. Afterward, I needed to change his clothes and his diaper. I did the body check (I did NOT do it 2 wks ago) for any signs of trouble. I am just sick with grief. I found a place on his hip about 2 inches wide, and it looks like some weird infection. Just a year and a half ago, I discovered gaping, infected HOLES behind is knees. He had to have his hamstrings cut--not just lengthened-- so that the orthopedic specialist could cut away the infected skin and then staple it back together. Every time that I remember his SCREAMS when he came to from the surgery and over the next WEEK, I cannot forgive myself for not doing a better job overseeing his care (He is in a residential facility)

I really got off track there, didn't I? Right now I am so crazed with grief over my father. I have been taking care of him since he was discharged from the hospital mid June of '98. He had a large brain tumor removed, suffered a stroke during that surgery, remained in a coma for 10 days, then left side was paralized for weeks. He has made so much progress both mentally and physically, but the brain damage to his frontal lobe results in some bizarre compulsive behaviors, and he can never be left unsupervised. My mothers screams at him several times a day, and just one week after he came home (head still all sewed up, and dependant on wheelchair to get around, and unable to verbally express himself) she started screaming at him and telling him that she couldn't live this way. She told him that he would have to go live in a nursing home. Poor Daddy just sat there with tears running down his face. I promised him then that I would take care of him. Now, I don't think that I can continue. He takes out his frustrations on me, and can actually be quite mean when he talks to me. I usually end up crying my heart out wondering why I am here.

Psycho-Babble is good name for this site, because I am just babbling on. But I am truly afraid again. I have read some of the posts about lorazepam (this is how I found this site this week) and know that my dosage is much too high. I have to get clean, but am fearful of seeking medical help. I take 3 to 3.5 milligrams each evening. I've read that if I stop "cold turkey" that I might have a seizure. No way.

Back to the "Breakdown" subject: I cannot make it for more than an hour or so without the overwhelming feeling of grief descending upon me and then I "hide" while I sob, all the while thinking, "I have to get it together. Who will take care of everybody, everything?" Stupid me, I've screwed up, AGAIN."

Who cares for the caregivers, especially those who needed help before becoming caregivers?

 

Re: Breakdown? to Cindy

Posted by Victoria on March 23, 1999, at 19:05:42

In reply to Re: Breakdown? to Cindy, posted by cait on March 21, 1999, at 19:09:46

Cait, My difficult mother was ill, bedridden, etc. for quite some time, so I have an inkling what you're going through. It's not always easy to find the help you need in your situation, but here are some ideas: check with your father's doctor and the social service dept. of the hospital he was in for home health care; talk to the doctor about whether there is any way to treat your father's mood problems medically; local hospitals, senior centers, health care agencies for a caregiver group to give you support, ideas, share with people who are going through the same thing; some universities and mental health agencies have geriatric specialists who can help you find community resources and help you with decision-making and coping with caregiver stress. It also sounds like you need a good doctor of your own to help you sort out your medication situation. I know it can be hard to find the energy to make all these calls and keep trying if the first places you try don't pan out, but it sounds like you must get some help. You obviously love your family and are fighting huge odds to do your best for them all. That's really admirable! So, if you can't find it within yourself to get help for yourself, get it for them. No one can stand up indefinitely under the pressure you're in, and if you crack, you won't be able to help them. So for them and yourself, find the energy to get the medical, practical, and emotional help you need. Take care!

> Cindy, thank you for hearing. I DO need someone to listen... even if to just allow me to put some thoughts into words that someone else might read and understand.
>
> I have survived to the age of 43. And you are right about outward appearance! People "see" what they know how to see. The eyes really can be a mirror of one's soul... but rare is it that people take the time to look. "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Rememer that one!
>
> Yesterday I visited with my son (age 19). He suffered brain damage after birth, and he has no self help skills. I try to keep him well groomed (remember how people "see") so I trimmed his beautiful hair. Afterward, I needed to change his clothes and his diaper. I did the body check (I did NOT do it 2 wks ago) for any signs of trouble. I am just sick with grief. I found a place on his hip about 2 inches wide, and it looks like some weird infection. Just a year and a half ago, I discovered gaping, infected HOLES behind is knees. He had to have his hamstrings cut--not just lengthened-- so that the orthopedic specialist could cut away the infected skin and then staple it back together. Every time that I remember his SCREAMS when he came to from the surgery and over the next WEEK, I cannot forgive myself for not doing a better job overseeing his care (He is in a residential facility)
>
> I really got off track there, didn't I? Right now I am so crazed with grief over my father. I have been taking care of him since he was discharged from the hospital mid June of '98. He had a large brain tumor removed, suffered a stroke during that surgery, remained in a coma for 10 days, then left side was paralized for weeks. He has made so much progress both mentally and physically, but the brain damage to his frontal lobe results in some bizarre compulsive behaviors, and he can never be left unsupervised. My mothers screams at him several times a day, and just one week after he came home (head still all sewed up, and dependant on wheelchair to get around, and unable to verbally express himself) she started screaming at him and telling him that she couldn't live this way. She told him that he would have to go live in a nursing home. Poor Daddy just sat there with tears running down his face. I promised him then that I would take care of him. Now, I don't think that I can continue. He takes out his frustrations on me, and can actually be quite mean when he talks to me. I usually end up crying my heart out wondering why I am here.
>
> Psycho-Babble is good name for this site, because I am just babbling on. But I am truly afraid again. I have read some of the posts about lorazepam (this is how I found this site this week) and know that my dosage is much too high. I have to get clean, but am fearful of seeking medical help. I take 3 to 3.5 milligrams each evening. I've read that if I stop "cold turkey" that I might have a seizure. No way.
>
> Back to the "Breakdown" subject: I cannot make it for more than an hour or so without the overwhelming feeling of grief descending upon me and then I "hide" while I sob, all the while thinking, "I have to get it together. Who will take care of everybody, everything?" Stupid me, I've screwed up, AGAIN."
>
> Who cares for the caregivers, especially those who needed help before becoming caregivers?

 

Re: Breakdown? to Cindy

Posted by Cindy on March 23, 1999, at 21:12:31

In reply to Re: Breakdown? to Cindy, posted by cait on March 21, 1999, at 19:09:46

> Cindy, thank you for hearing. I DO need someone to listen... even if to just allow me to put some thoughts into words that someone else might read and understand.
>
> I have survived to the age of 43. And you are right about outward appearance! People "see" what they know how to see. The eyes really can be a mirror of one's soul... but rare is it that people take the time to look. "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone." Rememer that one!
>
> Yesterday I visited with my son (age 19). He suffered brain damage after birth, and he has no self help skills. I try to keep him well groomed (remember how people "see") so I trimmed his beautiful hair. Afterward, I needed to change his clothes and his diaper. I did the body check (I did NOT do it 2 wks ago) for any signs of trouble. I am just sick with grief. I found a place on his hip about 2 inches wide, and it looks like some weird infection. Just a year and a half ago, I discovered gaping, infected HOLES behind is knees. He had to have his hamstrings cut--not just lengthened-- so that the orthopedic specialist could cut away the infected skin and then staple it back together. Every time that I remember his SCREAMS when he came to from the surgery and over the next WEEK, I cannot forgive myself for not doing a better job overseeing his care (He is in a residential facility)
>
> I really got off track there, didn't I? Right now I am so crazed with grief over my father. I have been taking care of him since he was discharged from the hospital mid June of '98. He had a large brain tumor removed, suffered a stroke during that surgery, remained in a coma for 10 days, then left side was paralized for weeks. He has made so much progress both mentally and physically, but the brain damage to his frontal lobe results in some bizarre compulsive behaviors, and he can never be left unsupervised. My mothers screams at him several times a day, and just one week after he came home (head still all sewed up, and dependant on wheelchair to get around, and unable to verbally express himself) she started screaming at him and telling him that she couldn't live this way. She told him that he would have to go live in a nursing home. Poor Daddy just sat there with tears running down his face. I promised him then that I would take care of him. Now, I don't think that I can continue. He takes out his frustrations on me, and can actually be quite mean when he talks to me. I usually end up crying my heart out wondering why I am here.
>
> Psycho-Babble is good name for this site, because I am just babbling on. But I am truly afraid again. I have read some of the posts about lorazepam (this is how I found this site this week) and know that my dosage is much too high. I have to get clean, but am fearful of seeking medical help. I take 3 to 3.5 milligrams each evening. I've read that if I stop "cold turkey" that I might have a seizure. No way.
>
> Back to the "Breakdown" subject: I cannot make it for more than an hour or so without the overwhelming feeling of grief descending upon me and then I "hide" while I sob, all the while thinking, "I have to get it together. Who will take care of everybody, everything?" Stupid me, I've screwed up, AGAIN."
>
> Who cares for the caregivers, especially those who needed help before becoming caregivers?

Dear Friend Cait, My heart goes out to you and your family. It is such a struggle for you I know to be dealing with the isuues at hand, not to mention being depressed. As if that is not enough. I know how you feel being a caregiver and need help yourself. That is a big issue with caregivers always giving and doing for others and never doing for yourself. I took care of my father-in-law who was Dx. with lung and bone cancer. We had him in our home for about 1 1/2 years. Suffering with my depression for over 15 years and trying to battle with it myself did not help much when he came to live with us. It meant I had to put self off once again. To me depression can somewhat look like a boil it keeps festering and festering until oneday it just ruptures. You have alot on your shoulders and have every right in the world to feel like you do. You hit the hammer on the nail when you said when we cry we cry alone, but I want you to know I cry with you. I know you are hurting and feel there is no hope. The road ahead looks dark and long. I been there, I am there with you we can't give up. Three months ago when I decided to seek help and stick with I meant that and I hope and pray you will seek help. Find a doctor who you can trust and he will help. I know it must be awlful to have your son in a facility and now you are facing the same issue with your dad. Having to make that decision on placing a loved one in a home is horrendous. You are only human and can only withstand so much. You have gone to great lengths it sounds to take care of your loved one. I am a nurse also and have woked in alot of nursing homes and there are good points as well as bad. The key to quality care is visiting regular, asking questions, and knowing who is taking care of them. You have done that with your son and I am confident you would likewise do with your father. At least if he was in a nursing home you could start taking care of Cait. If you don't take care of yourself no one will. I want you to know it is not your fault that you did not check your son over for decubitus that is the nurses duity. You need to report that kinda care to D.O.N . I can also relate about how your dad yells at you my father-in-law did the same. I t is awlful and hurtful. Cait please go to the doctor no matter what medicine you are taken. I will be praying for you and your family. You are worth helping yourself. For years you have helped everyone else now it is time for you. You are a wonderful person to have cared for your family like you have give yourself a hugg and a pat on the back. I am here if you want to talk.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY,

Your Friend,

Cindy

 

Re: Breakdown?

Posted by phyl on March 25, 1999, at 1:31:46

In reply to Re: Breakdown? to Cindy, posted by cait on March 21, 1999, at 19:09:46


> Back to the "Breakdown" subject: I cannot make it for more than an hour or so without the overwhelming feeling of grief descending upon me and then I "hide" while I sob, all the while thinking, "I have to get it together. Who will take care of everybody, everything?" Stupid me, I've screwed up, AGAIN."
>
Cait-

I've been in that scary spot where you don't know how you can do it. I was there four years ago. Nobody was there to call a doctor for me. Somehow, between all the crying and trying to remain afloat I managed to call psychiatrists to get an appointment. It was so difficult since I didn't have insurance and I could barely comprehend why I was still upright and breathing. I wish I could tell you how I managed to finally seek out help(trust me if I knew I would gladly tell the world!), I don't know how I did it, somehow I did. And I don't say that flippantly.

You are in my prayers and I hold hope in my heart that you will see a doctor for help. Please do it for yourself. Keep talking to us at this site. Please know you are not alone in these feelings. --phyl

 

Re: Self Esteem

Posted by cait on March 25, 1999, at 19:51:20

In reply to Re: Breakdown? to Cindy, posted by Victoria on March 23, 1999, at 19:05:42

If I lack self esteem, how will I ever think that I am worth it? Terrible day, today.

My mother is disgusted by my father and his mental and physical problems, so I help him bathe and dress, take care of the diapering needs, meds, physical therapy, and TRY to improve his quality of life. But who am I kidding?
My mother decided that she "just couldn't bear to live like this (doesn't have to work, charges what she needs, plays golf when she wants, has a cook/maid one day/week) anymore; she had a couple of drinks that made her even meaner. She told my father that he will HAVE to go live in a nursing home. She then told me that she is ashamed to have me as her daughter, and then proceeded to blast me with every "bad" thing that I have ever done. And let me tell you, there are some things that I have spent YEARS working through and getting over--failed suicide attempts, failed marriages, failed friendships. Even my child is *imperfect* in society's eyes.
I am just sick over some of the accusations--guess some of that drug therapy and electroshock treament back in the 70's really did help because I had forgotten some of the things that I had done.

I really have worked hard at cleaning up my life and achieving some type of success. Went back to school, then to graduate school. Went to work in my field, bought a nice little house, paid off my debts, etc. But who did I do it all for?

Life seems to be kicking me in the face every which way. Didn't seem like a sacrifice to move home to take care of my father--I thought it was the *right* thing to do. Now, some nine months later, and having taken only a total of SEVEN nights away from this place, I can't function any more.

Hate is a self-destroying feeling. But, hell if I don't hate my mother. I even have to take care of HER when she is sick. And I know that she truly dislikes me. No easy solutions here. I just can't function any more.

And it's not like I can call someone for help. Stuck in a little town where everybody knows everybody else's business. And if I seek help somewhere else, I will have to hire someone to stay with my dad. And then I will have to explain WHY I have to be away.

God help me, because I don't think I can survive this anymore.

 

Re: Self Esteem--for Cait

Posted by ruth on March 26, 1999, at 13:41:56

In reply to Re: Self Esteem, posted by cait on March 25, 1999, at 19:51:20


Cait,

That was a very intense post, and it really
got to me. I don't have any wise advice,
unfortunately. I want so badly for you to give
yourself some love and compassion--it sounds like
you are trying so hard and giving yourself so
little credit. It must be hard to be in a small
town where you feel you can't share anything or
it'll be all over the grapevine. (I know that
feeling, I grew up in a small town). I also know
the most desolate times in my life have come when
i didn't have a community of friends to reach out
to. I guess there's nothing you can do to change
your family. It's so hard (and God do I know it)
to battle self hate every day. Sark says we need
to learn to "cradle our sad/dark parts" rather
than bash ourselves against the rocks of self
criticism. But this is so hard. Especially if
we didn't have nuturing parents. I'll be
thinking about you...sending a mental hug your way.
Ruth

 

"cradle our sad/dark parts" ? for ruth

Posted by cait on March 26, 1999, at 19:39:41

In reply to Re: Self Esteem--for Cait, posted by ruth on March 26, 1999, at 13:41:56

>
> Sark says we need
> to learn to "cradle our sad/dark parts" rather
> than bash ourselves against the rocks of self
> criticism.

Ruth, I received comfort from the "mental hug," and would appreciate more information on Sark. Although I have no one here to help, I may find some guidance/help through reading.

I kept the "wolves at bay" today by turning inward while engaging in physically challenging work around the house and yard and then preparing supper for my parents. Remember this: "A busy mind is a happy mind?" When my mother would punish me for some "wrongdoing," she would assign to me a task, then make that statement. WOW!
I never believed it then, but now--some 30+ years later, I find it CAN work to NUMB the mind to pain or desparation. Ha, Ha.

Thanks for listening,
cait

 

Re: Any help available via telepsychotherapy?!

Posted by cait on May 9, 1999, at 20:58:42

In reply to "cradle our sad/dark parts" ? for ruth, posted by cait on March 26, 1999, at 19:39:41

> >
> > Sark says we need
> > to learn to "cradle our sad/dark parts" rather
> > than bash ourselves against the rocks of self
> > criticism.

Help me, please. I need to "fix" myself if I am going to be able to continue to take care of my parents.

I need professional counseling, but I really don't know where to start. Am very limited financially as well as to segments of time that I can leave my father in the care of my mother.

Today I had, again, the thought that I DON'T have to accept all of these responsibilities. I could walk away. But wouldn't that be putting the "gun to my head?" It would be the ultimate failure.

cait

 

Re: telepsychotherapy

Posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 1999, at 1:28:06

In reply to Re: Any help available via telepsychotherapy?!, posted by cait on May 9, 1999, at 20:58:42

Cait,

There's a directory of providers at:

http://www.metanoia.org/imhs/

Let us know if you try any of them, about how it goes. Take care,

Bob

 

Re: telepsychotherapy

Posted by Amanda on May 11, 1999, at 15:17:56

In reply to Re: telepsychotherapy, posted by Dr. Bob on May 11, 1999, at 1:28:06

Hi Cait,
I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling bad. I hope you find help with Dr. Bob's suggestion. I know that you can get help through Human Services where I live. Try that. One of my friends gets help that way. I'm seeing her tonight, so I'll get more info on that and post a thread as soon as I can. Until then, hang in there. Amanda

 

Re: Death of a Loved One (long post, but ...)

Posted by cait on May 11, 1999, at 20:21:36

In reply to Re: telepsychotherapy, posted by Amanda on May 11, 1999, at 15:17:56

Death of a Loved One

Although I called this morning to arrange the time, the doctor had to attend a meeting and was not in the clinic when we arrived at 2 PM. The trip was a long and difficult one, and I could not leave and return; there was no going back. We settled down in the reception room, my Loved One on my lap. I held her tenderly, soothing her fears away and reassuring her that she was secure in my arms. I smoothed the little curls up away from her eyes and rubbed her little neck and back. One hour of tranquility passed too quickly, one hour of companionship stored forever in my heart.

The doctor returned, and we were called back right away. He asked me if I wanted a few minutes, but I said no--we had our special hour and I could bear no more. The little blue muzzle was necessary, but my precious little girl managed one last nip. I spoke gently to my little dog as the vet slid the needle into her leg. He quickly removed the muzzle, and as I bent down to kiss her little face, that little pink tongue slipped out and licked my nose. I told her that I loved her dearly and that I was sorry that I could not do better for her. But death came so quickly. I can still see her looking at me, for she died before I could close her eyes. She was all I had.

Her name was Caitlin, and she was about six- human years-old. She didn't understand why our life changed so drastically when we moved to my parents' home to take care of my father. Cait loved my dad, and would literally jump up into his arms when we came for a visit. She didn't understand about his brain tumor or why he behaves as he does. Cait tried to love my dad, but he poked his walking cane at her one time too many; she snapped at him each time he put his hand down toward her little head, and did bite him a time or two. I imagine she was jealous of the attention that I gave to my dad; caring for my dad, straightening out financial problems, keeping up the house and the yard, and bi-weekly visits with my handicapped child left little time to devote to her. Cait eventually became my mother's shadow because my mother spends most of her time reading or watching TV or eating. My mother liked having a lap dog who was house-trained, bathed and groomed. But my mother was not willing to put Cait's welfare before her own gratifications. Poor little Cait began to be a responsibility to my mother. And my mother is not a "responsible type." All of this led to Cait feeling a bit insecure. Every person who came to visit wanted to pet Cait on her head. Cait always felt threatened by this action, and she would snap, not bite, at the person. A simple warning not to pet the dog worked, but my mother would never tell people this before it was too late. Cait NEVER attacked anyone. She only snapped at a person's hand when she saw it coming down on her head, and if the motion continued, she bit (with what few little teeth she had left). She felt threatened, and she just tried to protect herself. She always went to one of her little beds when so instructed, and she would remain there while visitors were here.

I am emotionally exhausted. I don't know what more I can do for either my father or my mother. I sold my house, used to the money to help them get out of debt, provided round-the-clock care for my father, put my career on hold, and worked almost every day to improve their living situation. But ... isn't there always a major problem that never seems to be resolved? The problem here: Mother/daughter conflict. She is a "socialite" and people person. I am pretty much a loner and responsibility oriented. My mother has been trying to put my dad into a nursing home since his first week home in June of 1998. When she can't cope, she takes a pill and a drink, and then treats my father and me to a barrage detailing everything that is wrong in her life and how she cannot live this way. I think that I am ready to raise my flag of *surrender.* I cannot carry the load alone, and my mother would be pleased if I left (then she could put dad in the nursing home!) She could have the house, her golf, her friends, and NO responsibilities. What a rude awakening she will have when she realizes that at the age of 72, she has no cash resources and doesn't even know how to pay the bills. She thinks that she can get my dad on Medicaid so that she can then have his Social Security check to live on. But $810 won't go too far...

I offered to stay until the end of July, which gives ample opportunity to formulate plans, make arrangements. I told my father that if he did not want to live in a nursing home, I would find a place where I could care for him. But naturally he is confused. He wants to be in his own home, but he wants to please my mother. Today she has convinced him that he will be happy in a "Personal Care Home" and she will live just across the way in an apartment unit of the Retirement Village. She told him that she would visit him often. Anyone willing to comment on that?

 

cait-Death of a Loved One

Posted by kate on May 11, 1999, at 21:08:53

In reply to Re: Death of a Loved One (long post, but ...), posted by cait on May 11, 1999, at 20:21:36

> Death of a Loved One

cait--I so sorry about the death of your 'special friend'. It comes at a very difficult time for you. Having been around many animals all my life, I know it hurts so much to hold your dog while it is put to sleep - but I also consider it the greatest act of love, to choose to experience emotional pain while soothing your dog's last moments. You are courageous and kind.
Take care of yourself - Kate

 

Re: cait-Death of a Loved One

Posted by John on May 13, 1999, at 19:19:42

In reply to cait-Death of a Loved One , posted by kate on May 11, 1999, at 21:08:53

Nothing can take Cait's place, nor should it. This happened, I believe, because of the unrelenting physical and mental stress that you have daily faced. I have no doubt that Cait too felt a great unease and unhappiness, and surely sensed yours as well. These recently reported studies suggest that all animals, and especially our pets, experience a range of emotions and feelings similar to humans, and, like us, even may have physical side effects. If true, and I think it is, then Cait suffered each day in some
real way.


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.