Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 1963

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Part of my story

Posted by alan on January 3, 1999, at 5:57:31

In reply to It's taking on water..., posted by Nancy on January 2, 1999, at 20:35:16

I'm not going to try to find a few magic ealing words, or launch a pep talk, etc. I've been where you guys are I know better. I also know that a severe dpression prevents any optimism, however merited; I also know that life can be awful and sometimes hope seems genuinely foolish relative to all available evidence.
Still, I was in a hellish depression for 5-6 years. It even hurt when I slept; you probably understand. And then it lifted on its own. During the depression, there were times when I had trouble even standing up, when walking to the sidewalk from my house my heart pounded and I lost my breath. I'd lie in bed and not bathe or change clothes for weeks. On top of the hopelessness and weakness and PAIN--most of the books hardly ever speak of this, but depression HURTS!--there was a constant sense of terror. More than once, I was in the ET after OD'S, "dress rehearsal rag". And then it lifted. The awful PAIN stopped. Gradually, I regained strength. Eventually my mood even lifted. I still remember watching a film on TV and realizing with utter amazement that I was enjoying it! It was a 'cute' comedy about a dedicated communist ideologue in Germany meeting the American girl whose father was there on business and they had to force him to dress up in good clothes before he could meet....
Before all this began, I had been teaching co;;ege with an ABD (all but dissertation). Of course, I did not get tenure, and given the academic job market, I had no hope of getting another teaching job in the US. (Listen, I'm not that good anyway. Okay') Since then I have had three recurrences. The first one was very bad, but lifted on on its own in a few months. The second one was also very bad and came at a bad time and place, especially since I was floridly psychotic, hearing voices and even seeing things no one lse saw. The time and place were bad because I was on a Fulbright in Ghana and did not make the University or the US Information Agency happy. Not a good career move. A Ghanaian shrink pumped me full of stuff and they put me on a plane. When I got here I finally got a med that did just what it is supposed to and had no trouble for eight years; then I changed to Prozac and had three good years. Since then there has been a recent recurrence, which I have not enjoyed, but I've lost no time of teaching, and even had some fun from time to time. That is now passing due, I think to Effexor.
Since the first horrendous depression I finally got my Ph.D., (at Dr. Bob's school), published a little in some good journals, very little, not (just) because of depression, but because of weak character; you can be a depressive AND a bum. (Brits: look up last term for American usage, please.) I've taught for thirteen years in various African countries, spent a night driving around Accra with someone who was a serious presidential candidate (the Senior Common Room was out of beer--a crisis), spent a New Year's day with the man who was the third ranking official in Biafra, attended embassy parties feeling like I was in a movie, and managed the national weight lifting team of Zimbabwe in the last All-Africa Games.
Before leaving Zimbabwe a few years ago, I was siting with a friend named Pikarayi, an official of the weight lifting asociation and news editor of a Sunday newspaper, I had gradually told
hm almost all all about myself. I then said, "You know, I wish I could have had a normal life, geting tenure, having a family, teaching and writing, even mowing the lawn."
He replied, "But then you never would have come to Africa!"
I am very glad I did not miss my life. Even tho I suppose I have suffered enough for several people. I apologize for hogging the bandwidth.
WE WILL ALL HAVE MORE LIFE THAN DEPRESSION, EVEN IF WE MUST RELY ON SIMPLE UNMEDICATED REMISIONS.


 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER

Posted by Dawn on January 3, 1999, at 9:49:50

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by NANCY on January 2, 1999, at 20:19:05

> > My life is in about the same place as yours sounds to be. I'm profoundly depressed, the meds are not working well, and I wish I could see the future. If there really is to be more of this hell, I don't want to be here for it.
> AMEN TO THAT! I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE. I WENT FROM A SUPER-ACHIEVER TO SOME KIND OF DERILECT. LIKE YOU, SLEEPING IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT. ALSO, I WANDER AROUND KNOWING THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. I FEEL SO LOST AND SCATTERED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING FROM MINUTE TO MINUTE. THOUGHTS EVAPORATE IN THE WIND.
>
> > The medication is not working, though it is helping. But the side effects are unmanageble. I don't even want to eat, because I'm so very nauseous after eating anything at all (dry crackers are enough to set my stomach off.) I constantly feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light socket, which is not pleasant at all. My memory is so very bad that I can't even remember whether I've got the pill bottle open to take the stuff or because I've just taken it, which doesn't make for happy compliance with the treatment plan. I'm sleeping either three disturbed hours or eighteen hours a day. And the wretched doctor available to me is dreadful.
> > I'm also not functional right now. Showering is an accomplishment, and let's not talk about my housekeeping.
> > The only arguably good thing I can point to in my life is that I'm still here. THere is a chance that it can get better, and if it does, I'm here to see it. I'm not even sure that I think that a good thing, but let's pretend.
> > Here's my discovery of the week: THe National Depressive Manic Depressive Association has local support groups that meet in various areas around the country. The people there are very supportive, because they all know how bad it is for them. Yeah, you'll be hanging around with crazy people, but at least they won't think you're weird... It really helped me to be around others who could empathize. The national group has a website, with contact information about local groups. Maybe it would help you, too. How much could it hurt to try it?
> > Good luck, and my best wishes for relief for what that's worth.
>
> ALSO, LIKE YOU I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF MEDS. SO, I INSISTED THE MY DOC ORDER ECT FOR ME. DID YOU KNOW THE ECT IS 95%
> EFFECTIVE? WE ONLY GOT IN THREE DAYS OF TREATMENTS BEFORE MY DOC LEFT FOR A TWO WEEK VACATION. BUMMER. THOSE THREE SESSIONS DID IMPROVE MY WELL-BEING. BUT, I WAS SO LOW THAT SAYING I IMPROVED IS SAYING VERY LITTLE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS AGONIZING MIXED-STATE PAIN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. WORKING ON THE COMPUTER HELPS REFOCUS MY MIND, WHICH HELPS A WEE BIT. BUT, I FEEL HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, WITHOUT A HAPPY, HEALTHY FUTURE. WHEN I WENT COMATOSE, I FELT NO PAIN, NO FEAR, NO SADDNESS. I JUST DRIFTED OFF PEACEFULLY AND CALMLY. I'M GONNA TRY TO HOLD ON UNTIL I RECIEVE THE REST OF MY ECT TREATMENTS. BUT, IF NOTHING HELPS AND I'M DOOMED TO A LIFETIME OF AGONY AND SADDNESS, NOONE IS GOING TO STOP ME. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL. WE PUT DOWN AN ANIMAL WHEN IT IS SUFFERING.
> AM I WORTH LESS THAN A BEAST? WHY DO THEY WANT TO CALL US IMMORAL, ETHICALLY WRONG? WHEN ALL WE WANT IS COMPASSION AND MERCY? DO WE NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT LEAST AS WELL AS ANIMALS?????
> ALIVE FOR NOW,
> NANCY
>
>Please be reminded of how precious our souls are. No one can change that, no matter how much medication we are fed. Our souls define who we are and who we will be later on.
Dawn

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER

Posted by v on January 3, 1999, at 10:25:20

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by Dawn on January 3, 1999, at 9:49:50

reading these posts has struck me profoundly... i feel my grief, your grief, our grief

i often wonder what my life could have been like if i were able to function and had been able to live instead of using all my energy to merely survive... and i admit to much anger and bitterness over all those lost years and what i perceive of as a sad waste

right now, i am experiencing relief as i never felt before from a medication... nothing dramatic or drastic... just a void where the incessant pain howls from - like the hole from which it pours out is closed.

it terrifies me to think of a relapse... i always thought that if i could find a medication that really helped, that it would be alright... like "they" always use the analogy of likening medication to having diabetes or some other controllable disease

so this peace is tempered by the terror of knowing i can be reclaimed by a darkness i can't bear or tolerate

there is nothing i can say to lessen anyone's pain... i know that

all i can add is my profound wish for the healing of us all

regards,
v

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER

Posted by Phil on January 3, 1999, at 11:18:23

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by NANCY on January 2, 1999, at 20:19:05

> > My life is in about the same place as yours sounds to be. I'm profoundly depressed, the meds are not working well, and I wish I could see the future. If there really is to be more of this hell, I don't want to be here for it.
> AMEN TO THAT! I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE. I WENT FROM A SUPER-ACHIEVER TO SOME KIND OF DERILECT. LIKE YOU, SLEEPING IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT. ALSO, I WANDER AROUND KNOWING THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. I FEEL SO LOST AND SCATTERED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING FROM MINUTE TO MINUTE. THOUGHTS EVAPORATE IN THE WIND.
>
> > The medication is not working, though it is helping. But the side effects are unmanageble. I don't even want to eat, because I'm so very nauseous after eating anything at all (dry crackers are enough to set my stomach off.) I constantly feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light socket, which is not pleasant at all. My memory is so very bad that I can't even remember whether I've got the pill bottle open to take the stuff or because I've just taken it, which doesn't make for happy compliance with the treatment plan. I'm sleeping either three disturbed hours or eighteen hours a day. And the wretched doctor available to me is dreadful.
> > I'm also not functional right now. Showering is an accomplishment, and let's not talk about my housekeeping.
> > The only arguably good thing I can point to in my life is that I'm still here. THere is a chance that it can get better, and if it does, I'm here to see it. I'm not even sure that I think that a good thing, but let's pretend.
> > Here's my discovery of the week: THe National Depressive Manic Depressive Association has local support groups that meet in various areas around the country. The people there are very supportive, because they all know how bad it is for them. Yeah, you'll be hanging around with crazy people, but at least they won't think you're weird... It really helped me to be around others who could empathize. The national group has a website, with contact information about local groups. Maybe it would help you, too. How much could it hurt to try it?
> > Good luck, and my best wishes for relief for what that's worth.
>
> ALSO, LIKE YOU I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF MEDS. SO, I INSISTED THE MY DOC ORDER ECT FOR ME. DID YOU KNOW THE ECT IS 95%
> EFFECTIVE? WE ONLY GOT IN THREE DAYS OF TREATMENTS BEFORE MY DOC LEFT FOR A TWO WEEK VACATION. BUMMER. THOSE THREE SESSIONS DID IMPROVE MY WELL-BEING. BUT, I WAS SO LOW THAT SAYING I IMPROVED IS SAYING VERY LITTLE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS AGONIZING MIXED-STATE PAIN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. WORKING ON THE COMPUTER HELPS REFOCUS MY MIND, WHICH HELPS A WEE BIT. BUT, I FEEL HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, WITHOUT A HAPPY, HEALTHY FUTURE. WHEN I WENT COMATOSE, I FELT NO PAIN, NO FEAR, NO SADDNESS. I JUST DRIFTED OFF PEACEFULLY AND CALMLY. I'M GONNA TRY TO HOLD ON UNTIL I RECIEVE THE REST OF MY ECT TREATMENTS. BUT, IF NOTHING HELPS AND I'M DOOMED TO A LIFETIME OF AGONY AND SADDNESS, NOONE IS GOING TO STOP ME. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL. WE PUT DOWN AN ANIMAL WHEN IT IS SUFFERING.
> AM I WORTH LESS THAN A BEAST? WHY DO THEY WANT TO CALL US IMMORAL, ETHICALLY WRONG? WHEN ALL WE WANT IS COMPASSION AND MERCY? DO WE NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT LEAST AS WELL AS ANIMALS?????
> ALIVE FOR NOW,
> NANCY

>>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

Longfellow

 

Re: Part of my story

Posted by Annie on January 3, 1999, at 13:28:00

In reply to Part of my story, posted by alan on January 3, 1999, at 5:57:31

Is it coincidence that so many of us are super-achievers before depression cuts us off at the knees? Sometimes previous success and high hopes for a bright future are what make it so much harder as the depression years drag on. When I am patronized by a well-meaning psychiatrist who "didn't know me when", I want to childishly shout "Hey, my IQ is 148 and I coulda been a contender". As if all that matters now. As if he/she would care. Luckily, I have, thus far, been able to contain myself thereby avoiding any other Axis II diagnoses. Alan, your story DID give me a glimmer of hope that this will lift, at least for a while, and just maybe, I'll be able to restore some of my self-respect. Thank you. I'm glad I read you message during a receptive moment.
To the rest of the folks in this thread: Assuming most of us are not delusional, if we were all to go into remission at the same time, I think we could take over the world! Okay, maybe I am the delusional one. LOL

> I'm not going to try to find a few magic ealing words, or launch a pep talk, etc. I've been where you guys are I know better. I also know that a severe dpression prevents any optimism, however merited; I also know that life can be awful and sometimes hope seems genuinely foolish relative to all available evidence.
> Still, I was in a hellish depression for 5-6 years. It even hurt when I slept; you probably understand. And then it lifted on its own. During the depression, there were times when I had trouble even standing up, when walking to the sidewalk from my house my heart pounded and I lost my breath. I'd lie in bed and not bathe or change clothes for weeks. On top of the hopelessness and weakness and PAIN--most of the books hardly ever speak of this, but depression HURTS!--there was a constant sense of terror. More than once, I was in the ET after OD'S, "dress rehearsal rag". And then it lifted. The awful PAIN stopped. Gradually, I regained strength. Eventually my mood even lifted. I still remember watching a film on TV and realizing with utter amazement that I was enjoying it! It was a 'cute' comedy about a dedicated communist ideologue in Germany meeting the American girl whose father was there on business and they had to force him to dress up in good clothes before he could meet....
> Before all this began, I had been teaching co;;ege with an ABD (all but dissertation). Of course, I did not get tenure, and given the academic job market, I had no hope of getting another teaching job in the US. (Listen, I'm not that good anyway. Okay') Since then I have had three recurrences. The first one was very bad, but lifted on on its own in a few months. The second one was also very bad and came at a bad time and place, especially since I was floridly psychotic, hearing voices and even seeing things no one lse saw. The time and place were bad because I was on a Fulbright in Ghana and did not make the University or the US Information Agency happy. Not a good career move. A Ghanaian shrink pumped me full of stuff and they put me on a plane. When I got here I finally got a med that did just what it is supposed to and had no trouble for eight years; then I changed to Prozac and had three good years. Since then there has been a recent recurrence, which I have not enjoyed, but I've lost no time of teaching, and even had some fun from time to time. That is now passing due, I think to Effexor.
> Since the first horrendous depression I finally got my Ph.D., (at Dr. Bob's school), published a little in some good journals, very little, not (just) because of depression, but because of weak character; you can be a depressive AND a bum. (Brits: look up last term for American usage, please.) I've taught for thirteen years in various African countries, spent a night driving around Accra with someone who was a serious presidential candidate (the Senior Common Room was out of beer--a crisis), spent a New Year's day with the man who was the third ranking official in Biafra, attended embassy parties feeling like I was in a movie, and managed the national weight lifting team of Zimbabwe in the last All-Africa Games.
> Before leaving Zimbabwe a few years ago, I was siting with a friend named Pikarayi, an official of the weight lifting asociation and news editor of a Sunday newspaper, I had gradually told
> hm almost all all about myself. I then said, "You know, I wish I could have had a normal life, geting tenure, having a family, teaching and writing, even mowing the lawn."
> He replied, "But then you never would have come to Africa!"
> I am very glad I did not miss my life. Even tho I suppose I have suffered enough for several people. I apologize for hogging the bandwidth.
> WE WILL ALL HAVE MORE LIFE THAN DEPRESSION, EVEN IF WE MUST RELY ON SIMPLE UNMEDICATED REMISIONS.

 

Re: Part of my story

Posted by Mattias on January 3, 1999, at 15:55:12

In reply to Re: Part of my story, posted by Annie on January 3, 1999, at 13:28:00

Is it coincidence that so many of us are super-achievers before depression cuts us off at the knees?

Maybe itīs not a coincidence. I think my depression grew hiddenly in my mind for years because of stress. Iīve always wanted to achieve a "Master of Science" graduation
since I was kid, because I have always been interested in science. I have always wanted to be "the guy who know science" among my friends and that has
stress me through the years. I know it sounds silly but I wanted to learn as much as possible, sooner the better. The last year I have become more stressed and more restless
and I think, that it may have been a BIG factor in the cause of my depression.
And the fact that when I abondoned The University because of the depression, it stress me even more and depress me even more.


 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR someone who knows pain

Posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 18:50:26

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by Dawn on January 3, 1999, at 9:49:50

Are you out of your mind. Don't you think that I KNOW how precious and beautiful life CAN be. Remember I was a very high-achiever, the world was my oyster scenario.

In this miserable condition, life is not joyous or worth merely surviving. Perhaps, you CAN'T understand the pain of a mixed-state and how excruciating and maddening it is. You're out of your league on this subject, baby. You don't have a clue.

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V"

Posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 19:02:48

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by v on January 3, 1999, at 10:25:20

> reading these posts has struck me profoundly... i feel my grief, your grief, our grief
> i often wonder what my life could have been like if i were able to function and had been able to live instead of using all my energy to merely survive... and i admit to much anger and bitterness over all those lost years and what i perceive of as a sad waste
> right now, i am experiencing relief as i never felt before from a medication... nothing dramatic or drastic... just a void where the incessant pain howls from - like the hole from which it pours out is closed.
> it terrifies me to think of a relapse... i always thought that if i could find a medication that really helped, that it would be alright... like "they" always use the analogy of likening medication to having diabetes or some other controllable disease
> so this peace is tempered by the terror of knowing i can be reclaimed by a darkness i can't bear or tolerate
> there is nothing i can say to lessen anyone's pain... i know that
> all i can add is my profound wish for the healing of us all
> regards,
> v

Dear V,
You have poetry in your soul. I, too, fear the entity taking absolute control as it's done before. It smacks absurdity when "those" people liken our conditions to diabetes or high blood pressure (ha ha ha ha) how insulting. I've never known anyone with diabetes or high blood pressure unable to even lift one arm off the bed for days of trying. Nor have I heard of one of them putting every ounce of energy into concentrating on just trying to stay alive just one more hour...just hold on one more hour...Well, how many hours are we morally required to do this before being allowed to be set free?

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR Longfellow

Posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 19:09:30

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by Phil on January 3, 1999, at 11:18:23

> >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> Longfellow
>
oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?

 

Re: Dearest Nancy

Posted by Phil on January 4, 1999, at 19:55:11

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR Longfellow, posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 19:09:30

> > >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> > Longfellow
> >
> oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?
>>I have been on AD's for 15 years, they are working, thank whoever, and I thought I would
be poetic for a moment. Just because someone TRIES to say something hopeful doesn't mean you have to pitch a fit! Maybe you ought to look into your anger a wee bit. Besides, if Longfellow were manic depressive, WOULDN'T HE KNOW OF DARKNESS AND LIGHT. CHILL OUT!

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re

Posted by Danielle on January 5, 1999, at 18:04:13

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V", posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 19:02:48

Actually, I do know someone who suffered for years from diabetes which progressed from an increasing loss of freedom of movement due to medication issues
to failure of kidneys and excruciating pain of dialysis and restriction to bed because didn't have the energy to lift an arm off the bed and the humiliation of not being able to contribute to the family's income. He eventually chose to end his life, leaving behind a wife and three children. I don't know if he had poetry in his soul but he was one of the bravest men I have ever known. I never heard him speak ill of anyone else's suffering.>
Dear V,
> You have poetry in your soul. I, too, fear the entity taking absolute control as it's done before. It smacks absurdity when "those" people liken our conditions to diabetes or high blood pressure (ha ha ha ha) how insulting. I've never known anyone with diabetes or high blood pressure unable to even lift one arm off the bed for days of trying. Nor have I heard of one of them putting every ounce of energy into concentrating on just trying to stay alive just one more hour...just hold on one more hour...Well, how many hours are we morally required to do this before being allowed to be set free?

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re

Posted by Danielle on January 5, 1999, at 18:14:26

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re, posted by Danielle on January 5, 1999, at 18:04:13

Oh, and perhaps I should qualify his life and the tragedy of his death. He was an extremely intelligent professional man in the prime of his career and life when it all started going down the tubes for him. Just to separate him from those unimportant unintelligent or average creatures who can't really understand what mental anguish is because their minds are too simple.
Am I flaming, Dr. Bob? No sir, I'm just beginning to simmer.

 

Re: Dearest Nancy

Posted by Nancy on January 5, 1999, at 22:43:05

In reply to Re: Dearest Nancy, posted by Phil on January 4, 1999, at 19:55:11

> > > >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> > > Longfellow
> > >
> > oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?
> >>I have been on AD's for 15 years, they are working, thank whoever, and I thought I would
> be poetic for a moment. Just because someone TRIES to say something hopeful doesn't mean you have to pitch a fit! Maybe you ought to look into your anger a wee bit. Besides, if Longfellow were manic depressive, WOULDN'T HE KNOW OF DARKNESS AND LIGHT. CHILL OUT!
Perhaps, I was wrong and you are not poetic. You're just some schmuck with an ego problem.

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re

Posted by NANCY on January 5, 1999, at 22:46:28

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re, posted by Danielle on January 5, 1999, at 18:14:26

> Oh, and perhaps I should qualify his life and the tragedy of his death. He was an extremely intelligent professional man in the prime of his career and life when it all started going down the tubes for him. Just to separate him from those unimportant unintelligent or average creatures who can't really understand what mental anguish is because their minds are too simple.
> Am I flaming, Dr. Bob? No sir, I'm just beginning to simmer.
AMEN! YOU GO GIRL!!!

 

Re: Dearest Nancy

Posted by phil on January 5, 1999, at 23:30:54

In reply to Re: Dearest Nancy, posted by Nancy on January 5, 1999, at 22:43:05

> > > > >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> > > > Longfellow
> > > >
> > > oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?
> > >>I have been on AD's for 15 years, they are working, thank whoever, and I thought I would
> > be poetic for a moment. Just because someone TRIES to say something hopeful doesn't mean you have to pitch a fit! Maybe you ought to look into your anger a wee bit. Besides, if Longfellow were manic depressive, WOULDN'T HE KNOW OF DARKNESS AND LIGHT. CHILL OUT!
> Perhaps, I was wrong and you are not poetic. You're just some schmuck with an ego problem.
>>>Thanks for the encouraging words Nancy. Always love hearing from you.

 

why are we fighting

Posted by v on January 6, 1999, at 4:44:28

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY "V" Nancy's re, posted by Danielle on January 5, 1999, at 18:14:26

we're all here and we all hurt...

why take it out on each other?

v

 

Re: We're on the same page, Annie!

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 16:24:34

In reply to Re: Part of my story, posted by Annie on January 3, 1999, at 13:28:00

> Is it coincidence that so many of us are super-achievers before depression cuts us off at the knees? Sometimes previous success and high hopes for a bright future are what make it so much harder as the depression years drag on. When I am patronized by a well-meaning psychiatrist who "didn't know me when", I want to childishly shout "Hey, my IQ is 148 and I coulda been a contender". As if all that matters now. As if he/she would care. Luckily, I have, thus far, been able to contain myself thereby avoiding any other Axis II diagnoses. Alan, your story DID give me a glimmer of hope that this will lift, at least for a while, and just maybe, I'll be able to restore some of my self-respect. Thank you. I'm glad I read you message during a receptive moment.
> To the rest of the folks in this thread: Assuming most of us are not delusional, if we were all to go into remission at the same time, I think we could take over the world! Okay, maybe I am the delusional one. LOL
> >
I too, was a super-achiever. Chemistry degree; National Dean's List (top 0.05percentile nationally), a competetive athlete, volunteer worker, and well you know the story...
Then, over the course of a couple of months I became extremely psychotic and manic. I mean I was not shutting my eyes for more than two months at a time, was never tired and continued graduate research studies in neuroscience. I think this sneaky little bastard that knocked me down from behind was God's idea of a bad joke. Well, ha. Now, let it be over for pete's sake!!!
Let there be no more cliches and mindless patronizing blattering,
Nancy

 

Re: Part of my story

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 16:39:13

In reply to Re: Part of my story, posted by Mattias on January 3, 1999, at 15:55:12

> Is it coincidence that so many of us are super-achievers before depression cuts us off at the knees?
> Maybe itīs not a coincidence. I think my depression grew hiddenly in my mind for years because of stress. Iīve always wanted to achieve a "Master of Science" graduation
> since I was kid, because I have always been interested in science. I have always wanted to be "the guy who know science" among my friends and that has
> stress me through the years. I know it sounds silly but I wanted to learn as much as possible, sooner the better. The last year I have become more stressed and more restless
> and I think, that it may have been a BIG factor in the cause of my depression.
> And the fact that when I abondoned The University because of the depression, it stress me even more and depress me even more.

We are who we're supposed to be if what we do makes us feel complete and happy. I don't wish to sound trite or patronizing. I've had to drop back a clas or two now and again to survive. I understand your frustration and anger.
But, I think I finally made it through because, it was a course of study that intrigued me. I felt that it was where I belonged. I know you can set a course and tackle it step by step, even inch by inch, if that's what it takes.
But, do what makes you feel complete and happy. School will still be there when you feel up to it.
Kindred Spirit,
Nancy

 

Re: why are we fighting

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 16:49:50

In reply to why are we fighting, posted by v on January 6, 1999, at 4:44:28

> we're all here and we all hurt...
> why take it out on each other?
> v
I can't answer that. All I did was pay someone a
complement for having such a beautiful poetic
spirit. Then, I likened it to a world class poet,
Longfellow. Finally I made the comment that we
are all in good company since Longfellow was
Manic-Depressive, too. That was just a guess I
don't really know if Long fellow suffered as we
all do.

On the brink of darkness,
Nancy

 

Re: need your company,Racer

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 17:01:34

In reply to Hey, want some company, Nancy?, posted by racer on January 2, 1999, at 18:32:31

I'm so sad all the time. Well, ewxcept for when I
cycle up into a painful mixed state. No one hears when
I cry out. I know I'm not going to last long.
I attempted suicide New Years Eve. I almost made it, too.
I swallowed a handfull of Seroquel (my antimanic, antipsychotic)
I was comatose when I hit the emergency room.
Racer, I have never felt so at peace, so free of the misery,
light and airy. I really was ready to go. But, I woke up
two days later, intubated and restrained. God, I hate restraints.
Nothing strikes a fierce fight reaction in me other than restraints.
This disorder is like restraints.
too much too long,
Nancy

 

Re: In your interest, Phil

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 17:14:44

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR Longfellow, posted by Nancy on January 4, 1999, at 19:09:30

> > >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> > Longfellow
> >
> oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?
There aren't many profound, poetic people about. Perhaps, you'd like to reread this statement. Gee, I'd think being told you have a poetic soul was a nice thing to say.
By the way, wasn't I agreeing with you by pulling out an old saying, too (even though I don't know to whom it's attributed
I'm getting tired of having to repeat myself to people over and over and over again. What? Do I not speak English???! I mean come on guys. I don't mind being the brunt of a joke some tims, but this getting picked on is not really fair. You know I come here for help, too
sing it again sam,
Nancy

 

Re: Dearest Nancy

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 17:22:41

In reply to Re: Dearest Nancy, posted by phil on January 5, 1999, at 23:30:54

> > > > > >>>The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
> > > > > Longfellow
> > > > >
> > > > oh is that like the old cliche...it's always darkest before the dawn? Gee, how profound. Inspiration at its pinnacle. Hey, wasn't Longfellow Manic-Depressive, too?
> > > >>I have been on AD's for 15 years, they are working, thank whoever, and I thought I would
> > > be poetic for a moment. Just because someone TRIES to say something hopeful doesn't mean you have to pitch a fit! Maybe you ought to look into your anger a wee bit. Besides, if Longfellow were manic depressive, WOULDN'T HE KNOW OF DARKNESS AND LIGHT. CHILL OUT!
> > Perhaps, I was wrong and you are not poetic. You're just some schmuck with an ego problem.
> >>>Thanks for the encouraging words Nancy. Always love hearing from you.

Hey, you snapped at me. You also, twisted my words to make them sound different than thier intented meaning. And I don't appreciate it!

 

Re: Mattias in the boat...

Posted by Nancy on January 6, 1999, at 17:41:32

In reply to One more in the boat..., posted by Mattias on January 2, 1999, at 18:36:37

> > My life is in about the same place as yours sounds to be. I'm profoundly depressed, the meds are not working well, and I wish I could see the future. If there really is to be more of this hell, I don't want to be here for it.
> > The medication is not working, though it is helping. But the side effects are unmanageble. I don't even want to eat, because I'm so very nauseous after eating anything at all (dry crackers are enough to set my stomach off.) I constantly feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light socket, which is not pleasant at all. My memory is so very bad that I can't even remember whether I've got the pill bottle open to take the stuff or because I've just taken it, which doesn't make for happy compliance with the treatment plan. I'm sleeping either three disturbed hours or eighteen hours a day. And the wretched doctor available to me is dreadful.
> > I'm also not functional right now. Showering is an accomplishment, and let's not talk about my housekeeping.
> > The only arguably good thing I can point to in my life is that I'm still here. THere is a chance that it can get better, and if it does, I'm here to see it. I'm not even sure that I think that a good thing, but let's pretend.
> > Here's my discovery of the week: THe National Depressive Manic Depressive Association has local support groups that meet in various areas around the country. The people there are very supportive, because they all know how bad it is for them. Yeah, you'll be hanging around with crazy people, but at least they won't think you're weird... It really helped me to be around others who could empathize. The national group has a website, with contact information about local groups. Maybe it would help you, too. How much could it hurt to try it?
> > Good luck, and my best wishes for relief for what that's worth.
> When speaking about the same boat...
> In may this summer I graduated from a school where I read computer
> science. So now I was ready for the University(at laest I thought so).
> In june I a got message from the University which said that I was welcome to begin there. I wanna take a "Master of Science"-degree.
> So in august I moved to an appertment near the new University, which
> is about 120 kilometers from my old school and my old home.
> At the same moment I moved I started to feel breathless, it always
> felt like I was running out of air. My concentration was poor and
> didnīt really recognized myself. I was scared and wondered what the
> hell is wrong with me? The intro-day at the University was three days away and I tried to calm myself down with alcoholics.
> Anyway I survived these three days and I was on the intro-day.
> But I was so anxious, thought I would panic any second.
> It was horrible. So after three -terrible- days in my new apartment,
> iīm moving back to my old home(mom and dad). Well back home I met a
> psydoc who gave the diagnose: Panic disorder an depression.
> The doc gave me Prozac for an eight week trial, but I didnīt
> responded so now I am on Efexor 75mg. a day.
> And thatīs where I am now. I really hope the drugs will help so I
> maybe start it all over next year.

Dear Mattias,
I'm so sorry for your troubles. Feeling panic is disorienting and uncomfortable.
Have you tried Paxil? It is an antidepressant with a calming effect. It's often use to treat anxiety.
Don't give up or get discouraged about your hopes for the future. Scool will still be there when you're ready.
You may want to get a second opinion. I don't know, it's somewhere in something you said that gives me this feeling.
Besides, a second opinion is not a waste of time or money.

 

Re: New year

Posted by MrZest on January 7, 1999, at 9:10:30

In reply to New year, posted by Phil on January 1, 1999, at 11:00:14

All I can say is: I sure am glad I know how to dog-paddle !!!

I'm probably the first person the rich guy would pay the porters to throw overboard anyway. LOL

 

Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER

Posted by Lisa on January 8, 1999, at 11:40:29

In reply to Re: LOOKIN' FOR YOUR COMPANY RACER, posted by NANCY on January 2, 1999, at 20:19:05

> > My life is in about the same place as yours sounds to be. I'm profoundly depressed, the meds are not working well, and I wish I could see the future. If there really is to be more of this hell, I don't want to be here for it.
> AMEN TO THAT! I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE. I WENT FROM A SUPER-ACHIEVER TO SOME KIND OF DERILECT. LIKE YOU, SLEEPING IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT. ALSO, I WANDER AROUND KNOWING THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE DOING, BUT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. I FEEL SO LOST AND SCATTERED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING FROM MINUTE TO MINUTE. THOUGHTS EVAPORATE IN THE WIND.
>
> > The medication is not working, though it is helping. But the side effects are unmanageble. I don't even want to eat, because I'm so very nauseous after eating anything at all (dry crackers are enough to set my stomach off.) I constantly feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light socket, which is not pleasant at all. My memory is so very bad that I can't even remember whether I've got the pill bottle open to take the stuff or because I've just taken it, which doesn't make for happy compliance with the treatment plan. I'm sleeping either three disturbed hours or eighteen hours a day. And the wretched doctor available to me is dreadful.
> > I'm also not functional right now. Showering is an accomplishment, and let's not talk about my housekeeping.
> > The only arguably good thing I can point to in my life is that I'm still here. THere is a chance that it can get better, and if it does, I'm here to see it. I'm not even sure that I think that a good thing, but let's pretend.
> > Here's my discovery of the week: THe National Depressive Manic Depressive Association has local support groups that meet in various areas around the country. The people there are very supportive, because they all know how bad it is for them. Yeah, you'll be hanging around with crazy people, but at least they won't think you're weird... It really helped me to be around others who could empathize. The national group has a website, with contact information about local groups. Maybe it would help you, too. How much could it hurt to try it?
> > Good luck, and my best wishes for relief for what that's worth.
>
> ALSO, LIKE YOU I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE OF MEDS. SO, I INSISTED THE MY DOC ORDER ECT FOR ME. DID YOU KNOW THE ECT IS 95%
> EFFECTIVE? WE ONLY GOT IN THREE DAYS OF TREATMENTS BEFORE MY DOC LEFT FOR A TWO WEEK VACATION. BUMMER. THOSE THREE SESSIONS DID IMPROVE MY WELL-BEING. BUT, I WAS SO LOW THAT SAYING I IMPROVED IS SAYING VERY LITTLE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS AGONIZING MIXED-STATE PAIN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. WORKING ON THE COMPUTER HELPS REFOCUS MY MIND, WHICH HELPS A WEE BIT. BUT, I FEEL HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, WITHOUT A HAPPY, HEALTHY FUTURE. WHEN I WENT COMATOSE, I FELT NO PAIN, NO FEAR, NO SADDNESS. I JUST DRIFTED OFF PEACEFULLY AND CALMLY. I'M GONNA TRY TO HOLD ON UNTIL I RECIEVE THE REST OF MY ECT TREATMENTS. BUT, IF NOTHING HELPS AND I'M DOOMED TO A LIFETIME OF AGONY AND SADDNESS, NOONE IS GOING TO STOP ME. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL. WE PUT DOWN AN ANIMAL WHEN IT IS SUFFERING.
> AM I WORTH LESS THAN A BEAST? WHY DO THEY WANT TO CALL US IMMORAL, ETHICALLY WRONG? WHEN ALL WE WANT IS COMPASSION AND MERCY? DO WE NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT LEAST AS WELL AS ANIMALS?????
> ALIVE FOR NOW,
> NANCY

Nancy:
I have to agree with everything you've said. I too am plagued with depression and I think that no one can understand the pain that it causes a person.
I wake up everyday wondering if someday I will be better. All I can say is hang on, it has to get better. At least in my case I hope so because if not I don't think I can last
much longer.


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