Psycho-Babble Social Thread 895622

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 42. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

She doesn't approve of me going. She said she would never go on a trip alone. She says I am wasting thousands of dollars.

She says she can never understand why someone would ever want to go on a trip alone.

I wish she would be supporting and happy for me like my pdoc is. It doesn't make me feel good when she says I will have a bad time and it is a big mistake.

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by garnet71 on May 13, 2009, at 20:14:12

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

Oh, just tell your Mom you might meet someone to marry while in SF. that will appease her.

I've had some of the best times ever - traveling alone on business trips - meeting people that way. I remember being along in Nashville, TN, on my birthday one year--I had a blast! In fact, I always wanted to go on a vacation ALONE - to the Caymans or somewhere....I think it would be a lot of fun, meeting people from all over the world and all. :-) Quit worrying about what you Mom thinks--do what Deneb wants to do. Have fun and no worries...

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb

Posted by SLS on May 13, 2009, at 20:15:23

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

> She doesn't approve of me going. She said she would never go on a trip alone. She says I am wasting thousands of dollars.

Parents are allowed to make mistakes, too. Your mother might not understand all the things you have taken into consideration when coming to your decision.

What is it about this trip that makes it worth spending the money for?


- Scott


 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb

Posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2009, at 20:23:41

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

Well, not that you'd necessarily choose to continue this sort of talk with her (maybe not a good idea) but if you did, ask her WHY she'd never go on a trip alone? Safety? Or something else? I've gone on many, many trips alone, not to mention out to dinner, movies and everything else you can think of - I like my own company. I like other people's, too. Both ways are good at different times, and for different reasons. It all shapes us as people, being alone to experience stuff, and learning how to do stuff with a variety of others. Not one way good or bad, just many ways. No doubt you already know this...

Of course it doesn't feel good, though - not emotionally. She'll always be your mom, and you'd prefer her approval, but sometimes we have to concentrate on finding common ground and accepting the limitations of others. Your mom seems more comfortable with traditional, predictable and what she's been taught is appropriate, maybe. That's okay, too, except I hate that sometimes her ways of expressing that hurt you and make you doubt your own adult mind.
I'm glad you have your pdoc as a contrast. And Babblers, too!

I was thinking....maybe when your mom was your age she was already married/kids, etc., or if not, still didn't work in the way you have and have money she'd even consider spending on herself at all? Maybe that wasn't even considered okay culturally for her as a young woman? So, no frame of reference, so it must be "not okay." Is it something like that? When we just don't get a thing at all, sometimes we fear and reject it, especially for a child we love.... I'm sure her motivation has a lot to do with worry and protecting you. As parents get older, for one thing, they may wonder what will happen when they are eventually gone, or unable to support in all the ways they do now....e.g., is Deneb planning the future, will she save money, will she be okay... (a part of the wanting you to get married thing, no doubt) all that stuff...

You're going to have a great time. You've earned your money and have a right to spend some the way you like. Part of this is connecting with others, too, and seeing new places. I think it's wonderful and wish I could have joined you this time. Can't wait till you post about it....

 

I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter Deneb

Posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:37:39

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

No Kidding!

I'm sorry she's saying this stuff. I think that she might feel threatened or something for some reason. Perhaps being SO independent & jeez - brave etc scares her that she won't be able to have as much influence over you & have her wishes fulfilled - such as marriage etc for you.

You are AMAZING doing this!!! You GO GIRL & let us know what it's like. You might have access to a computer in a library.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Kath

Green with friendly envy.

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:04:26

In reply to Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by garnet71 on May 13, 2009, at 20:14:12

> Oh, just tell your Mom you might meet someone to marry while in SF. that will appease her

LOL I actually did tell her that. She said it wouldn't be useful as he will not live in Ottawa.

My Mom actually told me straight up that I better get married before I am 30. She says after 30 a woman can't pick and choose any more. Talk about pressure! I am caving and going onto Plentyoffish and talking to guys. There is this one guy that shows promise. I think I will see a movie and have coffee with him.

>
> I've had some of the best times ever - traveling alone on business trips - meeting people that way. I remember being along in Nashville, TN, on my birthday one year--I had a blast! In fact, I always wanted to go on a vacation ALONE - to the Caymans or somewhere....I think it would be a lot of fun, meeting people from all over the world and all. :-) Quit worrying about what you Mom thinks--do what Deneb wants to do. Have fun and no worries...

I think I like to travel alone too, I had a blast planning for this trip. I like how I get to do whatever I want to do.

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:10:26

In reply to Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb, posted by SLS on May 13, 2009, at 20:15:23

> > She doesn't approve of me going. She said she would never go on a trip alone. She says I am wasting thousands of dollars.
>
> Parents are allowed to make mistakes, too. Your mother might not understand all the things you have taken into consideration when coming to your decision.
>
> What is it about this trip that makes it worth spending the money for?
>
>
> - Scott

I don't consider this trip to be a mistake at all. I have put a lot of thought into it. I have money saved up and I know I will be able to find another job after this one. I want to go to SF to meet and see Babblers and also because I used to live in the Bay area and would like to visit it again. I guess she wants me to save my money for a house or retirement or something, but it's not like I go on trips every month. I go once a year. I think I should be able to travel once a year.

I must eat out at restaurants probably a couple of times a year not counting vacations. I see movies once in a blue moon. I don't often have fun. I think I've earned a bit of fun time.

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:18:16

In reply to Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb, posted by 10derHeart on May 13, 2009, at 20:23:41

> Well, not that you'd necessarily choose to continue this sort of talk with her (maybe not a good idea) but if you did, ask her WHY she'd never go on a trip alone? Safety? Or something else?

She says she just wouldn't enjoy going a trip alone. She told me even if someone paid for her plane tickets she wouldn't go alone. She said I am not like her at all, I am like my father. She says she would never understand why someone would go on a trip alone.

I've gone on many, many trips alone, not to mention out to dinner, movies and everything else you can think of - I like my own company.

Me too. I especially like seeing movies by myself. I am often uncomfortable around people and I enjoy my own company too. I love shopping alone too.

I like other people's, too. Both ways are good at different times, and for different reasons. It all shapes us as people, being alone to experience stuff, and learning how to do stuff with a variety of others. Not one way good or bad, just many ways. No doubt you already know this...
>
> Of course it doesn't feel good, though - not emotionally. She'll always be your mom, and you'd prefer her approval, but sometimes we have to concentrate on finding common ground and accepting the limitations of others. Your mom seems more comfortable with traditional, predictable and what she's been taught is appropriate, maybe. That's okay, too, except I hate that sometimes her ways of expressing that hurt you and make you doubt your own adult mind.
> I'm glad you have your pdoc as a contrast. And Babblers, too!

Me too. My Mom told me I wasn't successful today. She said I am not successful in life because I don't have a career or family. She said my aunt is not successful either because even though she has money, she does not have a husband. I hate how my Mom makes me feel bad about stuff and doesn't support me the way I need and want.

>
> I was thinking....maybe when your mom was your age she was already married/kids, etc., or if not, still didn't work in the way you have and have money she'd even consider spending on herself at all?

My Mom married when she was my age and had me when she was 29. She doesn't spend money on herself at all. I think she likes to see herself as a martyr.

Maybe that wasn't even considered okay culturally for her as a young woman? So, no frame of reference, so it must be "not okay." Is it something like that? When we just don't get a thing at all, sometimes we fear and reject it, especially for a child we love.... I'm sure her motivation has a lot to do with worry and protecting you. As parents get older, for one thing, they may wonder what will happen when they are eventually gone, or unable to support in all the ways they do now....e.g., is Deneb planning the future, will she save money, will she be okay... (a part of the wanting you to get married thing, no doubt) all that stuff...
>
> You're going to have a great time. You've earned your money and have a right to spend some the way you like. Part of this is connecting with others, too, and seeing new places. I think it's wonderful and wish I could have joined you this time. Can't wait till you post about it....
>
>

I will post about it. I will share with the world. :)

Thanks 10der

 

Re: I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter Kath

Posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:20:07

In reply to I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter Deneb, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 20:37:39

I will bring my laptop and I have free Internet access in my hotel room. I will definitely post back.

I won't post about other Babblers though, but I will post about what I have done and seen.

 

Re: I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter

Posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 21:27:06

In reply to Re: I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter Kath, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:20:07

> I will bring my laptop and I have free Internet access in my hotel room. I will definitely post back.
>
> I won't post about other Babblers though, but I will post about what I have done and seen.

~ ~ sounds great! Looking forward to it.
xo K

 

Re: I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter

Posted by Phillipa on May 13, 2009, at 21:56:04

In reply to Re: I'd be SO proud if you were my daughter, posted by Kath on May 13, 2009, at 21:27:06

Deneb me too and you'll have a great time. Phillipa

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb

Posted by Bobby on May 13, 2009, at 23:31:24

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

I think it will be a great exercise in independence. When I went to SF----that was the best part of all----to be by myself--to do anything I wanted eat/sleep/drive/explore/strike up conversations with strangers(not recommended for young women except in full view of the all seeing public).Enjoy your hard earned freedom Deneb--anything's possible--just use common sense and e-mail//call folks before any rash thoughts that may enter your head--like going off with someone. you only get one go around in life------squeeze every last drop of happiness and adventure out of it! Maybe Mom's just worried--or jealous?

 

Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake

Posted by Tabitha on May 14, 2009, at 1:02:57

In reply to My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 19:55:56

I'm sorry she can't be supportive. Going on a trip alone is really brave!

 

SLS does not say my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb

Posted by SLS on May 14, 2009, at 7:15:36

In reply to Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake, posted by Deneb on May 13, 2009, at 21:10:26

Hi Deneb.

> > Parents are allowed to make mistakes, too.

> I don't consider this trip to be a mistake at all.

Neither do I. I don't think I worded my last post very well.

While I do challenge you gently every now and then, it is to help you to become even more sure of what is right for you. I think your replies to certain questions have made the rest of us believe very strongly that you deliberated this trip very carefully, and that you have prepared for it extremely well, both logistically and emotionally.

I agree with the others that it is very likely that you will have fun in SF and come back with a wealth of good memories and a sense of empowerment.


- Scott

 

Maybe Jay can give you a few tips

Posted by Bobby on May 14, 2009, at 8:15:30

In reply to Re: My Mom says my trip to SF is a big mistake Deneb, posted by Bobby on May 13, 2009, at 23:31:24

:)

 

Howzitgoing Deneb?

Posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 12:46:43

In reply to Maybe Jay can give you a few tips, posted by Bobby on May 14, 2009, at 8:15:30

>My Mom told me I wasn't successful today. She said I am not successful in life because I don't have a career or family. She said my aunt is not successful either because even though she has money, she does not have a husband.

~ ~ ~Deneb, I'm sorry your Mom says things like that to you. It's one thing to think them, but it's another to say them.

"I hate how my Mom makes me feel bad about stuff"

~ ~ ~ I've been told by various therapists, etc, that nobody can Make us feel a certain way. They can say things that result in us feeling a certain way. My husband had a friend who would say things that resulted in my H feeling badly. I encouraged him that when --- said something, "Take it as INFORMATION" only!
I think it would be a wonderful 'exercise' for you to try to develop a different way of 'hearing' your Mom.

For example:

Mom: "Deneb, you're not successful in your life because you aren't married."

Deneb: "Oh" (thinks 'hmm - my Mom THINKS I am not successful 'cuz I'm not married. Everyone has their own idea about things. I wish my Mom didn't think like that, but it's HER opinion & isn't necessarily true. I think I'll talk to my pdoc about it.') or something like that.

> and doesn't support me the way I need and want.

~ ~ ~ I'm sorry that she doesn't support you the way that you need & want, Deneb. It's hard when we don't get what we need from those we love.

>My Mom married when she was my age and had me when she was 29. She doesn't spend money on herself at all. I think she likes to see herself as a martyr.

~ ~ ~ It's too bad about the martyr thing. Who knows, maybe it's feeding her martyr-self viewing you as a failure! "Oh, yes. My daughter is such & such an age & isn't even married yet. Oh dear."

It's really about HER, in my opinion Deneb. And of course we want our parents to approve of us & of our actions. But SO many of us don't get that. I hope you can discuss all this with your pdoc.

I hope you have a lovely trip & LOTS of fun. And please know that there are lots of us who aren't there & I bet I'm not the only one who gets a nice smile on my face thinking of you making this major trip - having arranged it youself & going ahead with it! You Rock.

luv, Kath

 

I'm in SF!!

Posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

In reply to Howzitgoing Deneb?, posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 12:46:43

Everything went without a hitch. My plan went perfectly. I am now at my hotel room relaxing a bit before going out to have fun. I am not anxious right now.

 

Re: I'm in SF!!

Posted by SLS on May 14, 2009, at 18:45:35

In reply to I'm in SF!!, posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

> Everything went without a hitch. My plan went perfectly. I am now at my hotel room relaxing a bit before going out to have fun. I am not anxious right now.

Way cool.

:-)


- Scott

 

Re: I'm in SF!! Deneb

Posted by TexasChic on May 14, 2009, at 19:25:26

In reply to I'm in SF!!, posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

Yay Deneb!!! I'm both proud and ridiculously envious of you at the same time! You are a brave, beautiful, amazing person! I know you don't like when I get gushy but its how I feel. You are someone I look up to, even though I'm way older than you are.

Enjoy doing whatever you want. I hope you have a fabulous time!!!

-T

 

Re: :-D (nm) Bobby

Posted by Tabitha on May 15, 2009, at 2:43:00

In reply to Maybe Jay can give you a few tips, posted by Bobby on May 14, 2009, at 8:15:30

 

Re: I'm in SF!! Deneb

Posted by Tabitha on May 15, 2009, at 2:43:51

In reply to I'm in SF!!, posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

So happy to hear that. Have fun!

 

Yay; ditto to TC! Keep us posted Deneb

Posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 9:25:21

In reply to I'm in SF!!, posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

when you feel like it.

I am so excited for you Deneb.

xoxo Kath

 

Re: Yay; ditto to TC! Keep us posted

Posted by no_rose_garden on May 15, 2009, at 21:41:36

In reply to Yay; ditto to TC! Keep us posted Deneb, posted by Kath on May 15, 2009, at 9:25:21

Yay!!! Thanks for letting us know :) Hope you're enjoying yourself!

 

I'm in SF, too

Posted by Poet on May 15, 2009, at 23:25:05

In reply to I'm in SF!!, posted by Deneb on May 14, 2009, at 18:02:47

My hotel has a view of the ocean, from what I can see in the dark that is. Can't wait until morning.

There's a Trader Joe's two blocks from my hotel and so I walked over and got a bottle of chardonnay and some falafel and tabuli and hummus for a late night dinner. Life is good.

Poet

 

Re: I'm in SF, too Poet

Posted by Kath on May 16, 2009, at 11:41:20

In reply to I'm in SF, too, posted by Poet on May 15, 2009, at 23:25:05

Lovely - thx for letting us know.

Keep us in details so we can enjoy vicariously

xoxo Kath


Go forward in thread:


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.