Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 699190

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 50. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

partial hosp day 1

Posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:43

Well, I survived the first day. I was pretty scared but thought of you all and what youd say and got up the courage and went.

It was a very different experience from last time. The people are so different. Thats to be expected I guess. But there were a LOT of them. 9 in all. Last time, there were 3-5 on any given day. 9 was just too many. I had a hard time relaxing and really pulled inside and kept to myself most of the day. I felt almost like I was in a daze.

During afternoon group, Randy singled me out. He said I'd been quiet and asked what was going on. I told him I was feeling very self-protective, hopeless, etc... all the things I've shared with you all, but not in so many words. We talked some about that and then "it" happened. I realized that I'm not ready to be there right now. We were talking about wanting to open up versus wanting to shut down and not let anyone in. He asked me if I was truly committed to trying to open up and let them in. Of course the correct answer was yes. My answer was I dont know. Some of both. But as I think more since I've gotten home... the answer is no. I'm NOT committed to that. I'm not sure I even want to do it there. I'm certainly not putting every effort into opening up when its uncomfortable. In fact, I consciously chose to be quieter than I might usually be today. It just isnt safe. Of course its the first day with all new people (except Randy), and that's part of it, but this feels different. Last time, I had a hard time opening up because I was scared at first. This time, it's more of a choice. I just cant be that vulnerable. I dont want to be that vulnerable. The bottom line is, if I'm not willing to do that at this moment, partial is not going to help me.

So I'm not sure if I'll go tomorrow or not. I'll either go and tell this to everyone... but I hesitate to do that because I know he'll push issues I dont want to talk about in group. Or I'll call in the morning, leave a message and say I'm thinking about whether partial is right for me, and go back on Wed I guess, either to stay or to sign discharge papers. I dont know.

I know this sounds like a rash decision. I know how great it was last time... how many positive outcomes there were from my 8 days there. But if I'm not willing to do what I have to do, then I'm just not, and as Randy said, there isnt a lot they can do for me then. That's true. No reason to go if I'm not willing to participate.

Like I've been saying for awhile, everyone has a line where it just gets to be too much. This is it. I've smashed head first into it. No more. I dont care if I'm making a bad decision. No more.

 

Re: partial hosp day 1

Posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:45:10

In reply to partial hosp day 1, posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:43

I should add....

If I dont go tomorrow, I may call Ginny and see if I can get in with her. I cancelled my appt for tomorrow on Friday, and she doesnt work Fri or Mon, so I bet that spot is still open. I think I could handle individual right now. But a group of 9 people..... no. I cant.

But I dont want to make Randy mad at me, or upset him, or change his opinion of me. I dont know.

 

Re: partial hosp day 1 wishingstar

Posted by ElaineM on October 30, 2006, at 22:13:55

In reply to Re: partial hosp day 1, posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:45:10

It sounds like starting the program again would've been change enough, but to find the program changed from before (more people)...is like two kinds of change in one. No wonder it didn't feel safe. Do you remember what it felt like the first time - did it seem strange going from only talking to Laurie to being with a group of 3 or 5, as well as a new facilitator? (I'm sorry I can't remember threads unless they're right infront of my face). I know it's still different, but in programs I did the max number was 12 (not always that high, but usually) and the turnover rate was high too. And I remember feeling so drawn inside myself when new people would be added. But I found that a sense of ease would come pretty quickly - often by the second or third day it would feel as though we had all been together forever. Cause everyone's there for the same reason.

Sometimes I'd also think it was good to go through the same sessions(units would loop) with different co-patients cause each new person adds a new dynamic to the whole collective. And then one person offers one comment that you've never heard before (or hadn't heard the first time round) and that makes *you* go to a different place, see a different perspective. It's just weird how X amount of new people can make the same sessions/units seem completely new as well.

I don't want to push you, if you really don't want to see what another round could do then that's the right decision. But if it's the newness or change that's making it seem not safe right now, I just wanted to say that maybe that could start to fade in a couple of days.
But of course, you know what's best for you.
I'm proud you showed up today - even if you don't go back.
blove, EL

 

Re: partial hosp day 1 wishingstar

Posted by bent on October 31, 2006, at 6:43:43

In reply to partial hosp day 1, posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:43

Wow that is a few more people. I personally have never done group. I guess I would try it if the need came up but I just dont see it working for me. I too would crawl back into my self and hide. But a change from 3 to 9 people would totally throw me.
I'd like to encourage you to maybe give it another shot. Maybe one more day, but I also think you know what is best for you. If not the day program, I hope you can at least see Ginny.
Its ok to bump against the line now and then. It tells us something and we can take clues from it. I have been running head first into my own line a lot this week...I think I need a helmet.

 

Re: partial hosp day 1 wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 31, 2006, at 7:15:25

In reply to Re: partial hosp day 1, posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:45:10

Sorry I didn't see this until this morning (note to self: stay up LATER at night). So my advice is probably too little, too late, but if not:

Is there any way you can have some individual time with Randy before you make a decision about partial? I fully understand the whole 9-people thing. But I'm still hopeful that this can be helpful to you if you can figure out a way around your discomfort. I trust you to do what you think is best, but I also want you to explore all of your options.

If Ginny can see you today, maybe you could discuss this with her and get her to weigh in. Then, if it seems appropriate, you could try again tomorrow at partial.

((((WishingStar))))

 

day 2... i went (v. long)

Posted by wishingstar on October 31, 2006, at 20:53:47

In reply to Re: partial hosp day 1 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on October 31, 2006, at 7:15:25

I decided to go this morning. Last night, I had completely convinced myself I wasnt going. I woke up this morning feeling worse than I have in a few weeks.. physically just unable to get out of bed. Stayed in bed until about 30 min before time for partial.. got up, got my phone, started to dial Randys number to say I wasnt coming, and stopped. I was really torn. So I decided to go in try to catch him in his office before group started. It was a long debate with myself but I wont go into all the details.

I got there and he wasnt in his office. Turns out he came in late today.. of course! So he didnt even lead morning group like he usually does. It was another therapist who I know a little bit, but not as well as Randy. They make each of us speak, so I just said I'd had a bad night/morning and almost didnt come. They asked why and I told them what I wrote here.. that I just dont think I'm willing to open up and if I'm not, theres no use in my being there. They basically just said I could talk to Randy later and left it at that.

In afternoon group, I told Randy the same thing. He said he sensed yesterday that there was a lot of emotion (fighting back tears) and then anger later on. How he saw this I dont know.. hes amazing with that. I told him the same thing I wrote above about opening up and how I shouldnt be there, and he paused for a minute.. and you know what he said? He said "bullsh*t". I guess I looked surprised because he goes (and this is my favorite therapy quote to date) "..and thats a therapeutic bullsh*t, not a mean bullsh*t". haha! He had me tell everyone briefly what happened with Anne and said it makes sense I dont want to open up. It's a slow process. But I feel like that sort of contradicts some of what he said yesterday. Maybe I took what he said yesterday too far.. I'm really not sure.. but yesterday it sure felt like he was saying he couldnt help me if I wouldnt open up and stop being so defensive. 9 people is just too much. I just want Ginny. I'm not even attached to her yet too much, but she feels so much safer right now. I see her Thursday.

I'm still feeling very guarded. Very scared. I want my mommy (figuratively) and to be taken care of. I'm tired of being so alone. And a new feeling has surfaced for me - anger. I feel angry and defensive and like screaming "leave me the heck alone!!" to everyone who is trying to get me to talk. But overall, I guess it was good I went today. I dont necessairly feel any better or like I accomplished much, but I guess its a start.

Possible SI trigger here...

I did get triggered badly today at one point in the afternoon. There is a new guy who has cut up his arm, not too severly but enough. I have a history of SI and have really been fighting the urges recently. Aside from the day I got admitted last week, I havent SIed since January or so though. Today after mentioning his problem with it, the guy rolled up his sleeves to show the counselor, and left them up for a good hour. I was looking straight at him when he did it. I wasnt expecting it and saw it before I realized what was happening. Then I couldnt look away. Ever since I have had this incredible urge to cut again. His cuts were just like the way I used to do it (location, severity, etc). I know I reacted visibly so I hope he doesnt think I was grossed out, but wow. I talked to Randy about it after partial ended for the day.. I didnt want to mention it during group because I didnt want the guy to feel bad. Randy gave me a neat idea to resist the urge though and its pretty helpful. If anyone is interested let me know and I'll share it. Tomorrow I am going to be more careful with where I put my eyes.

I feel like I'm telling a story rather than saying anything substantial, but I remember last time I was in partial some people on here saying they were interested, so just in case, here it is. I hope it's not bothering anyone. Of course you can always skip over it if it is. Thanks everyone for your encouraging responses from last nights breakdown.

 

Re: day 2... i went (v. long)

Posted by ElaineM on October 31, 2006, at 22:50:51

In reply to day 2... i went (v. long), posted by wishingstar on October 31, 2006, at 20:53:47

>>>>Randy gave me a neat idea to resist the urge though and its pretty helpful. If anyone is interested let me know and I'll share it.

Can you tell me please.

And I'm glad you went back. I can understand how much of a trigger that would've been. I guess it would've been good if the therapist had asked him to show it to the doctor instead, and only *talk* about his injuries during groups. But I don't really know anything about partial at all - Maybe docs aren't part of it. It's good that you have Ginny to talk to while doing it this time. And I appreciate that you tell your story - I think it helps. (((WS)))
blove, EL

 

Re: day 2... i went (v. long) wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 7:13:06

In reply to day 2... i went (v. long), posted by wishingstar on October 31, 2006, at 20:53:47

I am so glad you decided to go and also very glad for the detailed update. I think you are building your new team with two amazing, gifted Ts -- Randy and Ginny. I'm impressed with what you said about both of them.

Keep on keepin' on, okay?

 

idea to resist SI - possible trigger

Posted by wishingstar on November 1, 2006, at 15:16:51

In reply to Re: day 2... i went (v. long), posted by ElaineM on October 31, 2006, at 22:50:51

Hey Elaine and any others who are interested.. this is the SI idea Randy gave me yesterday. I've heard of the snapping a rubber band, coloring on yourself with red marker, holding ice.. none of it really seemed realistic or helpful to me. But I liked this one.

Randys idea was to pick one thing that you like to use to hurt yourself.. one razor, etc... and commit to injuring yourself with only THAT one thing. You're allowed to cut with only that. Then take it, put it in a cup of water, and leave it in the freezer so it turns to ice. Then the next time youre feeling strong urges, remember the deal. If you want to cut, you have to go get that cup out of the freezer and either wait for it to melt, melt it yourself, etc. If you do that and still want to cut, then okay. You can give yourself permission. I know it sounds weird say it's okay, but the idea behind it is that by the time you get to the razor itself, the immediate urge will likely have passed.

If you live with family (or anyone else) that would make this hard to do, there is one other thing similar. I have a roommate. He suggested taking the one thing and hiding it somewhere outside your house - in the woods under a rock, etc. Somewhere where youll be able to find it again, but that youd have to walk (at least a few minutes away) or drive to get to. A nearby park is what he suggested. Then it works the same - if you want to cut, you have to go to that place, find the razor, and probably clean it off before you allow yourself to do it. He told me that while I'm driving back to the place to find the razor, I should think about what I'm doing and whether it's what I truly want to do. He said to ask myself whether it really makes sense to hurt myself because of someone elses pain (I was triggered by someone elses cuts yesterday). Is that really how you want to treat the little girl inside you? Is it fair? Does it make sense? Again, the option is still there to do it anyway.

It sounds so simple but I think it's great. The hardest part is promising yourself that youll only use that one thing. Maybe getting rid of all other options (all other razor blades, etc) would help. I know I have a hard time when anyone suggests I throw all mine out.. it's life a safety net. But you'd still have one available. It'd just take a little more work.

I hope this helps someone.

 

day 3

Posted by wishingstar on November 1, 2006, at 15:31:51

In reply to Re: day 2... i went (v. long) wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 7:13:06

Thank you Elaine and therapygirl.. A day later, I'm glad I went yesterday too.

Today was not so great. It's just a different experience with so many people (8-9 rather than 3-5). I think Randy is just brilliant and really gets me, but there just isnt as much time in group for each person to talk this time around. It's also the second time I've been through all the workshops, so I'm not getting as much out of it. However, aside from all that negativity, it's still good and is helping some.

I dont have as much to say about today. No major breakthroughs. A new girl came in today who has won an emmy for her acting.. isnt that amazing? Not a name I think any of you would recognize (I didnt), but how cool. Shes in a movie that is coming to the theaters in Jan. I'll definitely go see it.

One workshop in particular today was... interesting. Later in the day, the group talked to Randy about it and I think we may have gotten the woman fired. Oops. He said he had to think about whether he wants her doing groups anymore. It was really bad. It was a workshop on spirituality and wellness. This woman was a chaplain for the hospital, ordained in the Mennonite church (we have a large mennonite population around here). Within the first 10 minutes of the hour, her and another patient were arguing about an interpretation of the Bible (whether or not communion with a church family is essential). Finally I stepped in and moderated it a bit and said let's just agree to disagree, and that stopped. This woman was the therapist! She handed out a list of 50 things to do to nurture the soul or something and the list wasnt bad, but she was implying that if we just did those things, we'd all be better. We talked about psych meds and she kept implying how spirituality, etc is so much more important than meds and that if we'd just get out of bed, we'd be better off. We tried to explain to her what depression feels like (not being able to get out of bed) and she just didnt hear it. Finally, in a frustrated, almighty sort of voice she says "listen, i'm the only one here who ISNT on drugs". I was wondering if she thought we meant illegal drugs so I clarified, but no, she meant psych meds. So obviously, SHE knows all and we should just listen to her. Later on, towards the end of group as we were talking more about how hard it is to do these things she was suggesting, she said again in a similar tone, "well MY life is wonderful in case any of you were interested" and proceeded to say that she is always content and that her life is like a fairytale. It was interesting. The frustrations were definitely high. Right after that, she said she was done and had nothing left to say, and got her stuff together and left. This was only 45 min into the hour long group. Fine with me!

So in afternoon group, we all told Randy about this. He took out pen and paper and wrote down everything we said. He said he was very angry about it and didnt know if would have her back (even though shes been coming every week for awhile). He said he;d never gotten complaints before but wow... I (and the others) felt very offended and hurt by what she was saying. You'd think someone working in a mental health program like this one would at least have a little understanding and sensitivity to what we're going through.

Phew. That was the only big moment in my day. Everything else went pretty smoothly. Tomorrow I see Ginny. I cant wait.

 

Re: day 3 wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 20:22:20

In reply to day 3, posted by wishingstar on November 1, 2006, at 15:31:51

Let me just say, "Oh my WORRRRRRDDDDDDD!" in response to the idiot "spiritual" counselor. What the heck is she thinking? And why didn't they screen her out?

I'm glad Randy took your criticisms seriously. He really is one of the good ones, isn't he? And you see another one tomorrow. Can't wait to hear how things go with Ginny.

I'm really, really glad you're sticking with this, even though I know it's much harder with that big of a group.

 

Re: day 3 TherapyGirl

Posted by wishingstar on November 1, 2006, at 20:45:09

In reply to Re: day 3 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 1, 2006, at 20:22:20

ohh worddd indeed. It was quite the experience! Luckily it was a group and we all were able to vent and bond together over it.. thank goodness she doesnt do individual therapy. Randy said he'd never gotten any real complaints about her before... nothing more than "that workshop really wasnt for me". I think the dynamic of the group today made it escelate some.. but either way, she should be able to deal with that. Pffttt. You're right.. Randy is good. He really is.

 

Re: day 3 wishingstar

Posted by muffled on November 1, 2006, at 21:36:34

In reply to Re: day 3 TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on November 1, 2006, at 20:45:09

WS, thanks for posting bout the SI and bout your hosp program.
My thots are with you.
Take care,
Muffled

 

day 4

Posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 21:05:33

In reply to partial hosp day 1, posted by wishingstar on October 30, 2006, at 21:42:43

Today was terrible.

Partial was okay. The workshops were fine. I was just miserable. I didnt really get any time to talk in group, although I'm not sure I wanted it anyway. I felt very shut off. On the verge of tears all day. One workshop talked about over-reliance on therapy and brought up a lot of really painful feelings for me. I know I am incredibly reliant on therapy and knowing that just makes me feel so worthless. It makes me just want to give up.

I saw Ginny. It was okay too. I was excited to see her.. finally get to talk.. because part of the reason i cant talk in partial is that there are so many people there. But I guess her and Randy talked before I got there today and he told her what I've been doing (shutting down) so her expectation that I'd do that with her sort of created it. I had a hard time opening up. I didnt say a lot. I just cant.

Its just been a miserable day. Nothing matters. Randy can talk and talk about taking steps towards goals, but it just doesnt matter. I just cant connect with that.

Hopefully a happier report tomorrow.

 

Re: day 4 wishingstar

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 21:27:02

In reply to day 4, posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 21:05:33

Hang in there! I hate to say it, but maybe you need another change in meds?

MB

 

Re: day 4 wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2006, at 21:42:03

In reply to day 4, posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 21:05:33

**One workshop talked about over-reliance on therapy and brought up a lot of really painful feelings for me.**

I'm sorry you had a bad day. And I'm puzzled about the purpose of the above workshop. Isn't everyone in partial "overly reliant" on therapy right now? You know, I think Randy is great from what you've said and I believe that he's been helpful, but I'm seeing some questionable workshops in the partial program, counting yesterday's "spiritual counselor." Who's in charge of creating the workshops?

I'm sorry you had a hard time opening up with Ginny as well. I think that will get better. I know when I'm in shut-down mode, it's very hard to switch back and forth -- it takes time.

((((((((WishingStar))))))

 

Re: day 4 MidnightBlue

Posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 21:47:10

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 21:27:02

I just had my meds switched about a week ago. So far, I've never been able to find a drug that works. This is the 6th one I've tried. Wellbutrin. We'll see but my hopes arent too high.

What are you supposed to do when even being in the hospital just doesnt help?

 

Re: day 4 TherapyGirl

Posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 22:20:57

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 2, 2006, at 21:42:03

The workshop wasnt supposed to be about overreliance on therapy. The woman who lead it is actually one of my favorites at the center. The workshop was on relationships, and she opened it up for discussion. One man brought up relationships with therapists and it went from there. She talked about forming support networks outside therapy, etc... it wasnt nearly as bad as I made it sound. I just focused in on the over-reliance part because it's a huge fear I have. Randy chooses the workshops.. but he's very concerned about the quality of them. He said the spiritual counselor woman wont be coming back after yesterdays "event".

Shut down mode is exactly it. How do you take steps to get out of it? I feel like I'll just be stuck here forever. What do you do when even the hospital doesnt help? Ugh.

 

Re: day 4

Posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:38:24

In reply to Re: day 4 MidnightBlue, posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 21:47:10

Wishingstar,

Maybe they need to up your dose? I eventually went to 450 mg a day on Wellbutrin. If the hospital isn't helping, than maybe it will just take time. And maybe the counseling/groups you are getting are not the right kind for you right now.

Hugs,
Midnightblue

 

Re: day 4 wishingstar

Posted by Daisym on November 3, 2006, at 0:44:52

In reply to Re: day 4 TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 22:20:57

I've been following your posts and I must say you are working very hard to feel better.

I think part of what helps to get out of shut down mode is to allow yourself to need therapy, the program and the various therapists right now. You can worry about the dependency later. If you allow yourself to give words to how sad, overwhelmed and despairing you feel, the shut down will give way to the words. My therapist calls it pulling threads. You just start and keep saying what comes into your head, even if it doesn't make sense at the time. And you have such high expectations for therapy right now, and such justifiable fear. I think periods of silence are to be expected.

What helps me is to write, to talk about what I've written and/or to talk about what I posted and what the responses are. He is always interested and asks questions that lead us out of stuck and down the road again.

Good Luck tomorrow.

 

Re: day 4 wishingstar

Posted by TherapyGirl on November 3, 2006, at 7:12:45

In reply to Re: day 4 TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on November 2, 2006, at 22:20:57

Thanks for the additional info. about the workshop. That doesn't sound as bad as I feared. Still, I can see how it tapped into your fears. But reliance on therapy during a difficult time is not the same as over-reliance.

Shut down is awful. The only way I know how to get through it is to try to make yourself say something, anything. When I'm in shutdown mode, the longer I sit in silence in my T's office, the worse it is. If I can make myself start the conversation, then I can usually (not always) push through to the other side.

 

Re: day 4 MidnightBlue

Posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 15:47:04

In reply to Re: day 4, posted by MidnightBlue on November 2, 2006, at 23:38:24

They just switched my dose from 150 to 300.. I was only on 150 for about a week but my dr didnt think 150 would help given my experiences with other meds. I started getting these weird feelings every morning, especially right after I wake up.. almost like someone zapping me with electricity. It wasnt painful, just.. odd and scary. I talked to the dr today and he said stop taking it altogether. So I'm back to square 1 with meds. That was the 6th med that hasnt worked for me.. I hate this guessing game! Hopefully the next will work...

 

Re: day 4 Daisym

Posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 15:49:43

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by Daisym on November 3, 2006, at 0:44:52

Thanks Daisy.

I talked to one of the therapists at partial about this today. I'll make a seperate post about it in a minute, so check that out if youre interested. Interestingly, the thing I zoned in on most from your post was the "such high expectations for therapy" bit. I know I'm highly, highly sensitive right now to being needy and I think thats why. I know you didnt mean it as a bad thing, but I'd be interested in knowing what you mean by that? Expecting things to change too quickly maybe?

 

day 5 (v. long)

Posted by wishingstar on November 3, 2006, at 16:12:58

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on November 3, 2006, at 7:12:45

Another very hard, not terribly productive day.

I didnt see Randy at all today. Sandy, another therapist at the center, led the groups instead.. I guess he was busy getting ready for some conference. I really like Sandy a lot.. she is very bubbly and happy but not in a frustrating way. She is very concerned and her caring is really obvious.

Most of the day went like yesterday. I didnt say a lot. Morning group I wanted to talk, but I didnt really get asked how I was doing and I didnt feel like there was a good time to jump in without directing the attention off someone else, and I didnt want to do that. So I was mostly quiet. I spend the latter part of that group fighting back tears.. I'm not sure why. I was just feeling so sad, so alone, so sick of myself, so hopeless. Those arent new feelings for me, but the intensity is growing.

The workshops went similarly. The first was on relaxation, and we got to lay on the floor and listen to one of those relaxation tapes. Anxiety is not something I generally struggle with, but it was pretty nice anyway. Always good to relax. The second was about wellness.. all the things we do good for ourselves, what we could incorporate back into our lives that we enjoy, etc. The third was on nutrition and healthy eating. All of them were fine but I guess I was just feeling so depressed and withdrawn that nothing any of them said really reached me on a real level.

Sandy led afternoon group as well. I talked more that I had been. I told them that I'm feeling even worse now than I was before I started partial. It was a statement I'd made before, but it got her attention. I told her I was considering not coming back on Monday because I just cant connect with anything being done in partial right now. Randy always says that any step towards our goals is a step closer to being there, even if you cant see that youre any closer.. but I'm having a hard time with that. Sandy had a few people tell me why they thought I should stay, but I still dont know. It just seems pointless. The more I go and am not able to open up (and obviously not be heard), the worse I feel. I was on the verge of tears for the entire group. It's just so hard.

After group ended, everyone left and I asked Sandy about whether or not to schedule with Ginny on Tues. We talked in the lobby for a few minutes and then as I was going to leave, she asked if I needed a hug. I said yes and broke down, right there in the middle of the lobby with all these people around. I started crying and told her that it's just so hard. That there are just too many people there for me to open up.. and I can give little pieces in group, but it's so much bigger than that.. I just cant share how big it really is. I guess I made enough of a scene in the lobby because the receptionist had her take me back into the group room. We talked for maybe 15 min. I told her how it seems like the second I start opening up and being vulnerable and relying on the therapist for support, they tell me I'm being over-reliant on therapy. I'm not a person who calls often outside of sessions, it's all in-session stuff. So I told her that is why I'm putting up these walls. It feels like I cant talk without being wrong. She knows what happened with Anne... and I told her how no one (randy included) really lets me talk about it because they all say I'm focusing too much on it, obsessing, etc. At that point I broke down again.. I'd been crying some the whole time but I mean gasping sobs-type crying. She said it sounds like I need to talk about it. I wish I felt like I could... but no one wants me to. They all just want me to be over it. Move on. But I cant. What Anne did still hurts SO bad. In fact typing about her is bringing me to tears again right now. Sandy actually offered to see me, if I wanted her to... but I told her that no, I think Ginny is good and I want to see where that goes.. but she said she's always there if I decide I need her. But truly, I got the same feeling/reaction from Ginny yesterday... the "you're relying on therapy too much" feeling when I mentioned how I'd gotten that in partial. That means it must be true, because I really do think Ginny is good. But what's the other option? I know they want me to have outside support, and of course thats important. But I just dont feel like I can really open up. Because the second I do, I'm relying too much on it. Talking to Sandy and finally breaking down really felt good.. I felt like she heard the dilemma I was in, regardless of her own feelings on it. She heard how stuck I'm feeling and how bad I'm feeling. She said it sounds like I just need a huge teddy bear and a cozy blanket. Shes right.

Sandy made me promise I'd go back on Monday so I guess I'm going. I'm sure she'll tell Randy what all I said, but I still dont think I'll really be able to open up in group. We'll see I guess. It's just too many people and too overwhelming right now. I just need one person I can sit and cry with and not feel bad about taking up time for others, etc.

They also took me off my meds (wellbutrin) today. So back to the drawing board. I was getting these weird electric shock-type feelings.. not painful, just weird and scary. I was supposed to see the doctor today but he ran out of time so he just said to stop taking the wellbutrin and we'll figure out something new on Monday. That was meds failure #6. That doesnt help the feelings of hopelessness, that's for sure. So I guess I have to go back on Monday for that, if nothing else.

One girl from partial called me yesterday to talk, and I called her back... which was VERY hard for me. I isolate myself almost all the time. She just called again and I ignored it.. but I'm going to try hard to get myself to call her back tonight.

I just want to hide and cry and cry and cry. I imagine I'll be in tears on and off most of the rest of the night. I guess it's good to let it out. This just sucks.

 

Re: day 4 Daisym

Posted by Daisym on November 3, 2006, at 16:26:12

In reply to Re: day 4 wishingstar, posted by Daisym on November 3, 2006, at 0:44:52

Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I certainly didn't mean it as a bad thing, or as a criticism. What I meant was, you need therapy to be soothing and safe right now, and you need it to make you feel better. And you've had too many experiences lately of therapy making you feel worse. But so far, with this new therapist, there is hope that she won't crash things. But that fear -- that the wrong thing could be said and you would feel worse -- and that expectation --- that therapy is a place to heal -- combine to create silence. There is nothing wrong with having high expectations for therapy - who doesn't want to feel better?

This past week I was telling my therapist that I just wanted to feel better. I said I know he is supposed to help me look at my old patterns and I'm supposed to do the work, but really, I just wanted him to make me feel better. He stopped me and said not to beat myself up for wanting that. That EVERYONE wants their therapist to make them feel better, no matter what they say. The adult in charge knows it takes time and takes work. The hurting little girl just wants him to be magic.

I think believing in magic is as important as being realistic about the time and work. Some weeks it is more important.


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