![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 53. Go back in thread:
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 12:21:18
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by Jost on October 17, 2006, at 2:18:14
Thaank you Jost and Maddy for being there.
No my T doesn't care about me. i'm devastated. He knows how much he hurt me by saying what he did. i have no control over only being abble to have the car on M w and f. H is so angry that he gives it to me them also.
T knows that. He doesn't care about me. He could never yell and curse like that- he knows how hurt i am. he doesn't care.
Tears. i wish i never trusted him. only he knows my partsss. i'm too afraid to ever see him noww/
It's so horrible. why can't i find a T who cares aabout me? How could this T do this to mee- over something so meaningless aas hhis schedule- he ruined my lifeee. i could never get another T and trust anyone . tears,
i wish someone could help me. i'm too much a mess and there are too many hard things. tearskerria
Posted by ElaineM on October 17, 2006, at 13:02:18
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 12:21:18
Kerria, I'm sorry you had to go through that. AND I'm so terribly sorry that you're in physical pain too. (I would've replied to your above thread but it's hard for me) I know how much harder it makes everything to go through - Even "easy" stuff like sitting to watch tv. Do you ever talk to your physician? (I don't know what it's like where you are. But when I was in physical-related crisis, my old doctor would schedule extra time on my appointments so we could have mini-therapy-ish talks.) If you were okay with safe hugs, I would offer them.
I wonder what's going on with your T. He should never yell or swear. What did you say to him after he said those things? Could you leave him a message or email (so you won't have to see him at the same time) asking him to explain why he chose those words? I can't remember if you've answered this but why does his time for you switch around again? (sorry, I have a mind like a sieve right now)
blove, EL
Posted by Jost on October 17, 2006, at 15:11:07
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 12:21:18
Kerria, if that's true, than I feel terrible about it.
Madeline is right, that if he is uncaring, any sort of intentionally hurtful behavior is unacceptable.
Actually, not being caring is pretty unacceptable, IMO. You deserve a T who does care-- and who acts accordingly, and who is able to communicate to you--over time, because it doesn't happen right away-- esp. if you've been hurt a lot--that s/he is there and cares.
I'm sorry that your husband is unhelpful-- and hurtful --also.
Maybe if you told your T --that you expect him to treat you with consideration? even if he doesn't "care"-- that he has to be thoughtful, and careful-- not careless-- with you?
sorry, you're going through this now,
Jost
Posted by muffled on October 17, 2006, at 15:15:04
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 12:21:18
> No my T doesn't care about me. i'm devastated. He knows how much he hurt me by saying what he did. i have no control over only being abble to have the car on M w and f. H is so angry that he gives it to me them also.
T knows that. He doesn't care about me. He could never yell and curse like that- he knows how hurt i am. he doesn't care.***Kerria, maybe there is more to this? Cuz I think your T's behavior is rather odd. Very unprofessional. Just plain awful. For one, he should never cuss you out, for another he should be able to offer you a regular time slot for appts. Have any of your other parts said something to him that you don't know about, and so there's more to it than meets the eye?
It all seems rather strange. Has he shown ANY caring EVER? Or maybe you have parts sabotaging you?
I hope you can find a better T.
>
> Tears. i wish i never trusted him. only he knows my partsss. i'm too afraid to ever see him noww/***Can you send a fax or e-mail telling him how you feel?
Do you ever record your sessions so you can listen later and remmebr what was said?
>
> It's so horrible. why can't i find a T who cares aabout me? How could this T do this to mee- over something so meaningless aas hhis schedule- he ruined my lifeee. i could never get another T and trust anyone . tears,
> i wish someone could help me. i'm too much a mess and there are too many hard things. tearsYou CAN get another T. It just may be hard. It also may not be. Easy for me to say with my good T........
But I got a good T, so maybe keep that in your mind.....that you want to search and search until you find a T, that mebbe will learn to understand you WITH you. Who can show empathy. Who will be kind, and build you up. Who accepts you no matter what.
There's just gotta be one out there.
I sure as hell don't desereve a good T that suits me well.
But I got one.....
Mebbe you can too.
In the meantime, take special care of you, ALL of you.
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 15:41:37
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by ElaineM on October 17, 2006, at 13:02:18
His schedule switches because he works in a hospital- he has patients on the side at the hospital but that isn't priority as far as scheduling . Mostly he has openings the days when i can't come because i don't have use of a car- it's too scary- i get lost on the bus so that's no longer an option.
T swore bc he was angry- blamed h for the schedule conflict. He was so angry with me. i'm doing so badly. i asked about someone who could see me before Friday- i can't wait 2 weeks between appt-
i know he doesn't care about me- it was so clear to me. it's so hard to find another T now- with the surgery coming up, only T knows how to talk to my parts. i wish that i started with a T who cared about me. He doesn't care about the effect he has on me. tears,
i feel so damaged. so afraid about the future. tears. i don't know my parts and i can't function.
T used to like me- he used to care but he stopped - he's been treating patients with DID- hates it now maybe i don't know. i know he doesn't care about me or what happens to me. It hurts a lot.
He cares first about his time and money. That's what he talked about and my h who is also so hard to deal with - blamed him and yelled '
T resents the schedule conflict with me so much that he forgot that i'm having a very hard time. he doesn't care. i could change the schedule if i knew how much T hated it but it wouldn't matter because T doesn't care about me- it was so apparant. i'm a mess inside and i need help now. i can't go to ER no one knows how to help me. i need to find a T - it's too hard now. i don't know what to do.
tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 15:47:32
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by Jost on October 17, 2006, at 15:11:07
Thanks Jost. It's so hard to change Ts but i know i can't see him anymore. i'm afarid - parts are shocked and too afraid. we need to see someone. It's so hard to find a T who can help me.
thank you for writing. i wish i could find another T now. i'm too upset to look.
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 15:58:16
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 17, 2006, at 15:15:04
Thank you Muffled,
i wrote a couple of email- my parts did- everyone inside is broken in a different way. i told him how hurt i am- it won't matter to him.Once i asked if i could tape sessions and he was angry- said no- and was angry that i asked- he's not caring like other Ts.
he works in a hospital and they treat the patients so badly- he would never change and be kind - i stayed with him because he's the only one who knows my parts - i liked him but he hurt and scared parts too much to see him again now- i don't know what to do. i don't think i could find a T soon enough. i wish someone can help me. tears. i tried leaving T before- i knew he didn't care about meee- he never yelled like thaaat. i never thought he would ever do that to me- when i'm having such a hard time as now. It hurts so much.i feel so abandoned.
Posted by muffled on October 17, 2006, at 15:59:08
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 15:41:37
> His schedule switches because he works in a hospital- he has patients on the side at the hospital but that isn't priority as far as scheduling . Mostly he has openings the days when i can't come because i don't have use of a car- it's too scary- i get lost on the bus so that's no longer an option.
>
> T swore bc he was angry- blamed h for the schedule conflict. He was so angry with me. i'm doing so badly. i asked about someone who could see me before Friday- i can't wait 2 weeks between appt-***Maybe he was swearing at your hubby? rather than you? Mebbe he's frustrated cuz he WANTS to help, but is having a hard time doing it cuz of schedualling. Maybe T was mad at HIMSELF cuz he feels inadequate cuz he can't get the schedualling right. Maybe its not about anger to Kerria, maybe its just general frustration cuz he wants to help?
>
> i know he doesn't care about me- it was so clear to me. it's so hard to find another T now- with the surgery coming up, only T knows how to talk to my parts. i wish that i started with a T who cared about me. He doesn't care about the effect he has on me. tears,***A new T could learn to talk to your parts. Might take some time for them to get used to a new T, but they would. Just the fact that your parts exist at all is a sign of a clever mind.
>
> i feel so damaged. so afraid about the future. tears. i don't know my parts and i can't function.***You CAN know your parts, with some help, good help. They can get sorted out.
>
> T used to like me- he used to care but he stopped - he's been treating patients with DID- hates it now maybe i don't know. i know he doesn't care about me or what happens to me. It hurts a lot.***Mebbe he does care? Maybe he just frustrated?
>
> He cares first about his time and money. That's what he talked about and my h who is also so hard to deal with - blamed him and yelled '***That sure weren't very nice.
> T resents the schedule conflict with me so much that he forgot that i'm having a very hard time. he doesn't care. i could change the schedule if i knew how much T hated it but it wouldn't matter because T doesn't care about me- it was so apparant. i'm a mess inside and i need help now. i can't go to ER no one knows how to help me. i need to find a T - it's too hard now. i don't know what to do.***Your parts came into being to help you survive life.
Maybe you can trust them some to help get you thru this tough part?
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by sunnydays on October 17, 2006, at 16:55:29
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 17, 2006, at 15:59:08
Muffled said it very well, kerria.
I'm wishing you strength.
((((((((all of kerria)))))))))))
sunnydays
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 20:10:43
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 15:41:37
Hi Kerria,
You know, my first T had a pretty intense personality. I heard him say some really choice phrases to describe certain political personalities, and there were a few times when he kind of went off the deep end, and showed his frustration at how my parents treated me, or how the mental healthcare system makes his job too difficult.I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that his cursing was a curse directed towards the "situation" . He's frustrated that he can't be there for you, especially when he needs to see you, and when you need to see him. He's frustrated because his client doesn't have the full partnership she deserves in her marriage. He's just frustrated.
It came out as curses. Since he was on the phone with you, it came out as curses towards YOU. Since he's trying "his best" to find a time, he wishes that your schedule were wide open, because he WANTs to help you.
That's my interpretation of his behavior. I think he does care, and he does hear the pain in your voice, and that's why he's especially anxious to be there for you. Well, some people's anxiety/guilt/frustration comes out in misdirected curses.
I'm so sorry that you had to be on the other end of THAT phone conversation. He should have had his hospital supervisor schedule daemon on the other end of the phone. He should have been cursing at the SYSTEM, saying "I *need* to see Kerrria, ASAP. She's an important client. She's going through a rough time, and I've been there for her for SIX YEARS. This is b*llshit."
Kerria, you do count. I'm so sorry you're in such pain. It's just not fair. (((((gentle hugs)))))
I hope you can get some rest this evening. You deserve some comfort.
-Li
Posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2006, at 21:55:20
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 20:10:43
Kerria how hard this must be for you and the parts. Try and be strong. And the others will help too. Love Phillipa
Posted by caraher on October 17, 2006, at 22:14:56
In reply to my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 0:34:25
((((kerria))))
There's no call for doing that to you. I'm so, so sorry he yelled at you like that - you don't deserve such harshness!
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 22:29:59
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 20:10:43
T never would consider that i'm an important client that he had to be there for. He thinks more like it's an intrusion of his life to have to have a pain in the as* client like me with a h that makes things so difficult for HIM. That's exactly how he thinks of me outside of the office.
When i'm there at an appt he is so much more tolerant but he never really acts caring. He would never tape a child story for me- he would never allow our session to be taped- he was angry and said "It's an intrusion of my privacy" when i asked a long time ago . i was shocked - shocked at his response.
He's protective of his stuff- not me. He worked on getting me to be protective over my parts instaead of hating them because of so much disagreement and chaos inside. He never is outwardly caring and i always never felt that he cares about me.
:( he's not like that.
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 22:43:52
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by Lindenblüte on October 17, 2006, at 20:10:43
i wish that i had a T like your T. My T is frustrated at me and at the scheduling conflict- at me because i was telling him that i needed more time- that i was having too hard a time to not see him until Fri.
i wish that someone could understand- no one can understand. my T doesn't care about me. Why would i be upset if he did? Why would i feel that i should never go back if he did care about me? i would know if he sswore at frustration of not having a time and wanted to help me. It wasn't like that at all. That would be fine with me- i know that he doesn't care about me. i half think that he'd rather he never see me again also.
Posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 22:52:14
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2006, at 21:55:20
It's so hard because T is the only way i communicate with parts:( i go to t and T talks to parts and i know what parts are doing. i can't communicate. So much is not remembered and i have no continuity every day.
The recent thoughts about f. came back and i can't think about it by myself . i'm too upset inside . i need a miracle. maybe God will forgive me, heal me.
tears,
kerria
Posted by muffled on October 18, 2006, at 1:46:22
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » Phillipa, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 22:52:14
Guess thats one of the kids eh?
Can you write?
Is there any chance maybe your parts could write a journal, so maybe you can keep track of them better.
Then you could read the journal and it might help to figger out whats gone on?
Would your T refer you to another t that matbe has a more flexible schedual?
I don't think its proly too hard for a T to learn to talk to parts, if they know ahead, and are prepared and accepting of the parts. And if the parts are mostly willing to accept T.
Guess its bound to take a little time to build up trust.
It must be very frightening to not know what has happened thru the day. I wish so bad I could help you somehow, but I can't, you need a good T who is willing to support you thru the hard parts, so you can figger out whats going on.
The confusion.
Some way to sort out, or work within, the confusion.
Guess there's no good hospitals around?
Or day programs , or something?
Take care Kerria,
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:37:23
In reply to Re: my T yelled and swore at me . tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 18, 2006, at 1:46:22
(((((Muffled))))) thank you for being there.
Posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:46:32
In reply to my T yelled and swore at me . tears, posted by kerria on October 17, 2006, at 0:34:25
> tears, please help- i'm so upset inside and everything is a mess inside . Today my T called back to schedule appt- a different day every week because of his schedule and he blamed me because i share a car with my h. He swore- and yelled. i'm so so hurt. All my support is gone. tears, i can't make it.
>
> How can he be so cruel- i'm so afraid to ever see him again.
> Why is he so angry that he would yell at me.? What does it matter- he'd give me a day when he wanted to anyways. Why? What is there about me that he would yell at me when i can't help it that i have an angry h who won't allow me to use the caaar twice a week- and those two days are easier days to schedule for him. tears. i'm devastated . i know he doesn't care about me. tears
>
> i feel like the last six years of t with him are a waste- i'm so apart- so hurt. He's the only one who knows my parts. i wasn't blaming him that he couldn't see me until Friday- why did he yell at me and swear ? What is it about me that people treat me like that.
> My h is angry that he gives me the car- why? i feel so abandoned. tears. My T showed his real feelings- he doesn't care about me- tears. How can i go on? He knows how much it upset me- why would he ddo that to me? Why couldn't he talk softly because i'm having such a hard time?
>
> How do you all find Ts who care about you?
> i don't know what to do - i can't believe it. i heard him and i know he doesn't care about me. He cares about his schedule andd i'm too much trouble to be worth it. tears.
>
> please help someone. all my support is gone. it's too hard for me. There are too many hard things. My h is so hateful towrds me and i have this horrible triggering pain - i have to have surgery for but need to delay because i don't have the emotional support to have it, tears. there's too many hard things.Today is the anniverasary of f's death- i told T why i was upset- i didn't blame T that he had no time- why did he yell at me and blame me for what i can't help/ tears,
> kerria
Today T emailed back- with his address and email of the place he works. tears. How can i make an appt- why is he not saying he's sorry for bing in a rage at me and swearing over scheduling? i called him in crisis and he was so angry- it hurts so much. i need him so much to know what i'm doing- i don't have communication with parts.Why is he being so impersonal and ignoring what i said- how upset i am that he was in a terrible rageee when i called him in crisis? Why isn't he sorry that he treated me like that?
tears. What can i do now?
Who can help me. tears i'm so upset. i can't believe my T is doing this to me TEARS
kerria
Posted by Dinah on October 20, 2006, at 9:50:37
In reply to Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:46:32
From what I can gather, it seems probably that he's angry with your husband perhaps? Or the situation?
I find that my therapist gets cooler and cooler as I get more and more emotional. He might well feel sorry or embarassed that he behaved so unprofessionally. But depending on who he is, he might not express that regret in a way that is really soothing. Perhaps, to him, sending you the email and the address *was* his idea of an olive branch.
Kerria, I remember in the past that you were in a pretty bad state when you tried to terminate. That you had difficulty finding a therapist who suited you? You seemed so distressed at losing your imperfect therapist that I hesitate to suggest that you look for a warmer or more caring therapist. Or at least I would hesitate to suggest that you terminate with this one before you look around and find a warmer or more caring therapist. There's nothing wrong with looking around, but therapists are like jobs. It might be best to have another one, before you leave this one.
I do understand. My therapist is also imperfect. Sometimes I long to find a therapist like Daisy's or Annierose's or Pfinstegg's. But I'm attached to this one. He fills a need that no one else seems able to fill. Just as it sounds as if you need your therapist.
So, pragmatically, I would say to make the appointment, keep in mind that your therapist is who he is, measure what he provides as well as what he sadly is unable to provide, and if you wish, call around to look for someone who can provide more of what you need.
If that makes sense?
I'm not saying what he did was ok. What he did was not ok. It was unprofessional. I don't know what stressors he was under, but *nothing* you did was responsible for his actions. His job involves being able to be professional even when he doesn't feel professional.
But my therapist has acted unprofessionally at times. He has yelled at me. He's told me that at that moment, I was too much for him. He's never cursed at me.
I hope your therapist gets some professional help for the stress he's under, so that he can be a better therapist to you if you decide to stay with him.
Posted by muffled on October 21, 2006, at 2:56:02
In reply to Now T emailed with his address. tears, posted by kerria on October 20, 2006, at 7:46:32
> How can he be so cruel- i'm so afraid to ever see him again.
***Parts of you are afraid, other parts are not...
> > i feel like the last six years of t with him are a waste- i'm so apart- so hurt.**My guess is that its a process to get to know the parts.
I am not so separateted, but it was very confusing(still is really)to figger WHAT was comming from WHO, or WHY, or WHERE. It gets all confusion. And then there's upset and I don't know WHY?
Do you have ANY sense of who there is? Of ANYone inside?> > My h is angry that he gives me the car- why? i feel so abandoned. tears. My T showed his real feelings- he doesn't care about me- tears. How can i go on? He knows how much it upset me- why would he ddo that to me? Why couldn't he talk softly because i'm having such a hard time?
> >
> > How do you all find Ts who care about you?***Yeah, my T cares as far as I know. A part of my T's training is to show unconditional positive regard. So I not sure if she cares cuz she 'supposed' to seem to, or if she REALLY does.
And sometimes my T really has pissed me off. But I have found its worked for us, for me to be able to say that I mad at her, rather than having it mess up our work together. It seems silly, but talking about it helps, even if its not neccessarily resolved to my satisfaction.
> > i don't know what to do - i can't believe it. i heard him and i know he doesn't care about me. He cares about his schedule andd i'm too much trouble to be worth it. tears.**Can you at least give him a chance to explain himself? Have you told your T clearly bout how you've felt about this whole thing? Maybe what w/switching and upsets, you haven't been that clear?
Could you print out these posts and take them in, they are pretty clear, and could give you guys something concrete to work with?
Sometimes I have SO misjudged my T........
> >
> Today T emailed back- with his address and email of the place he works. tears. How can i make an appt- why is he not saying he's sorry for bing in a rage at me and swearing over scheduling? i called him in crisis and he was so angry- it hurts so much. i need him so much to know what i'm doing- i don't have communication with parts.***Why did he do that? Send you his work e-mail? Is he trying to find options for you to communicate with him? Thats seems to be a GOOD thing? Mebbe he's trying. He's a T, but he's a human being too....
>
> Why is he being so impersonal and ignoring what i said- how upset i am that he was in a terrible rageee when i called him in crisis? Why isn't he sorry that he treated me like that?****I don't know why he is being the way he is. But if it were me I'd just ask him flat out WHY?
>
> tears. What can i do now?***Don't give up. You've made it this far. Have some faith in all of you. Faith in the parts that got you this far.
I would ask my T some hard questions....I would e-mail them to him and expect him to discuss the e-mail in my next session.
>
> Who can help me. tears i'm so upset. i can't believe my T is doing this to me TEARS***Kerria can help Kerria. T can proly help Kerria, my Higher Power(God) has helped me, mebbe He can help Kerria too?
Take care Kerria,
Remember, it takes a smart person to have parts. Its a very clever coping mechanism. So that cleverness will help you sort it out too, now that its (thankfully) no longer needed.
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:33:47
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by Dinah on October 20, 2006, at 9:50:37
Thank you Dinah. It makes a lot of sense - what you said. i do need T too much to leave now but should try to look for a T that we could take.
Someone that wouldn't hurt me so much as this T does.In practical real world now- it's hard to put your advice into action though. My parts are afraid to see T and i'm not able to communicate with them. It might not be possible, - It's so hard to do things against what i feel inside thaat parts don't want to allow. i might end up not getting to the appt or a huge upset will happen or a terrible migraine so i can't go. There needs to be more agreement or i can't make the appt.
It T would call back and talk to me- and not do these weird things - like email his work address and work email when i've been using his home email like he said to for the past six years.
T is making it impossible for me to see him by doing thiss- i think that he knows me well enough and he's still doing it anyways. i wonder why. Why doesn't he care about me and it hurts ssso much.
i'm so afraid that i'm going to 'lose it' when i go to the surgeon 's soon. i don't have the support for this triggering surgery- inside feels - and has an average age of seven and feels there is no adult to take care of uss. i can't even communicate to parts. h won't even be here- out of state now. So much is so hard now. my pain meds aren't working an parts feel like they were just p.a and s.a. now. It's so hard to live- i need a T because i'm losing it and i wissh T would opeen cccommunication. Why won't he?
Thank you for your advice- if i wasn't such a mess inside it would be the best thing to do and i'd be able to. we're so much a mess now.
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:51:39
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 21, 2006, at 2:56:02
Thank you so much Muffled for understanding and it helps so much that you hear and care. Thank you.
i don't know my parts well- there's not a way to communicate - T is the one who talks to us and we listen to what parts say. the less i see T the worst mess we are sometimes. When things are upset it gets even harder to communicate. i don't even know my parts-
The pain i'm having now is so triggering now- we ran out of some of the meds i take and parts inside feel that we've just been p'a' and s'a' today. That a. is going on now.
i can't communicate with them and times have occurred that we've been suddenly so upset because of the pain of a.It's a nerve probleem- not abuse. i try to remember but when we switch we're hysterically sad and there's nothing i can do.
we're not doing well now- we need T to be supportive. h is away now- that's so hard. i have to talk to a surgeon soon- how can i do that when parts are so upset inside?
T knows and doesn''t care thaat we're upset- or why wouldn't he call back unless he didn't want me. i feel so rejected- not even me- my parts that i can't communicate with feel so rejected by T and so hurt- and that no one will be with them and why do they have to have all this pain - they don't understand the surgery, it feels like a punishment. i know better but switching comes and what's there is a mess.
i'm too afraid of falling apart:(
kerria
Posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » muffled, posted by kerria on October 22, 2006, at 9:51:39
> Thank you so much Muffled for understanding and it helps so much that you hear and care. Thank you.
***I do care. To a certain extent I understand. I try to understand how confusing it must be. Some of the stuff you write I totally understand having experienced it myself.
>
> i don't know my parts well- there's not a way to communicate - T is the one who talks to us and we listen to what parts say. the less i see T the worst mess we are sometimes. When things are upset it gets even harder to communicate. i don't even know my parts-**This part seems to be different than the part that posted above to Dinah. This part seems quite coherant and good at communicating. Do your parts have some sort of names or labels, so as to differentiate as to who is present or even causing background fuss at any given time?
>
> The pain i'm having now is so triggering now- we ran out of some of the meds i take and parts inside feel that we've just been p'a' and s'a' today. That a. is going on now.***Yeah, I can see as how that would get everybody in an uproar...
> i can't communicate with them and times have occurred that we've been suddenly so upset because of the pain of a.***Its hard when it allasudden seems to come out of nowhere isn't it? And then it just gets more and more 'noisy' in my head. I can't think. I dunno who is upset or why. So often upsets are even over the silliest seeming things. Other times, well, its not so silly ....
>
> It's a nerve probleem- not abuse. i try to remember but when we switch we're hysterically sad and there's nothing i can do.***Oh God, I DO understand that, hysterical... I'm so sorry. For me, when that happens in my own small way, every thing gets so noisy, noone listens, it feels like everyone is running around like chickens with their heads chopped off, crashing into each other, mayhem, and I've got one that will just start screaming and screaming and I can scarcely stand it...But I do. I do stand it, and I survive, like I always do. I move on. The emtional intensity passes. Sometimes we can sort out what happened, sometimes not. But things seem to calm down for awhile anyways. I just write this, so you can have hope. Cuz there is reason for hope.
>
> we're not doing well now- we need T to be supportive. h is away now- that's so hard. i have to talk to a surgeon soon- how can i do that when parts are so upset inside?***Did your H. take the car or do you have it?
So at least one, maybe two, parts know there are other parts....
Mebbe the part that wrote this...could talk to the part that wrote to Dinah? Most all the time, when I talk to my inside people, they do not answer me. I just know later on that they have heard me, cuz of how they behave over something, or what they 'say', etc, and then I realize that they DID hear what I said. So mebbe you could try talking to other parts, even if you don't think they can hear, cuz mebbe they can? Or mebbe even one can. And thats a start....
>
> T knows and doesn''t care thaat we're upset- or why wouldn't he call back unless he didn't want me. i feel so rejected- not even me- my parts that i can't communicate with feel so rejected by T and so hurt- and that no one will be with them and why do they have to have all this pain - they don't understand the surgery, it feels like a punishment. i know better but switching comes and what's there is a mess.***See, thats the part I mostly don't do. I don't completely switch. I am thankful for that.
I just wonder if there may be some communication going on, but that you haven't realized it yet?
>
> i'm too afraid of falling apart:(***Your parts saved you from a horrific time. Some of them took the burden of SO much. They made it possible for you to go on at that time.
For all that they spaz etc, I think their ultimate goal is to protect Kerria, one way or another.
I don't think you will fall apart.
Cuz thats a wonder of having parts.
If things get too hard to tolerate for one part, then another part will take over.
Whatever happens, happens.
Just keep taking care as best you can.
Honor the parts that have taken on such a burden for the rest of you.
Honor the parts that(mebbe sometimes overzealously) protect you.
Honor the older parts that try so hard to function well in this world.
Honor the scared ones.
(((((Kerria))))
You can do this.
It may be so hard.
But you will be ok in the end.
It will be ok.
Muffled
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 8:50:32
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
Thank you Muffled for taking the time to understand . It's too hard for me to know parts- differentiating them - telling one from another- is too upsetting for me. i'm not ready to see the differences yet in the part who wrote to Dinah and whoever this is.
i'm sorry. i try to just live. That's all. It doesn't feel safe to find out when i switch when writing here.
Someone did that to me at another forum- they actually looked up my name and listed all the things that parts said. She wrote, "How come you said this here- and then said this here, "etc etc- she had this huge post and i had to look at my writing. She had DID also and i wonder why. It was so upsetting to read. i know that you don't mean to hurt me, it's ok.
Some people with DID are ok i guess with seeing what their parts write but it's too hard for me still. i wish that i can find a T who can help me.teras. i'm so afraid that i'll have to live in this torture forever- that no one will be able to help me. i hate that i'm so much a mess. eeverything is so hard to do. my relationships are all a mess irl. i can't find a T who can help and the T who knows me doesn't want me as a client- he still hasn't called me back. i feel so upset that i have to have all these hard things happen- the surgery- decide which to get- it seems like choosing the torture i want :(
so upset- the appt with dr is today and i'm a mess.
my h has been away- visiting his family in another state. i'm afraid to leave the house but i have to go to work soon.
tears.
kerria
Posted by kerria on October 23, 2006, at 9:45:41
In reply to Re: Now T emailed with his address. tears » kerria, posted by muffled on October 22, 2006, at 22:47:05
((((((Muffled))))))
i'm sorry that it's so hard for you also- that you have sudden upsets that happen without warning.
It's so hard to try to figure out why we're upset when you have separate parts- i can relate so much to having it be a little thing that ends up to be the reason- all because that part didn't know something- or thought something that wasn't true.Sending comfort to you. i know that it's hard for you too . Thank you for reaching out to help me.
Take care,
kerria
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