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and there is that feeling again

Posted by alexandra_k on June 14, 2009, at 0:56:44

you know the one
the one that follows you around the world
the one that is there after the one weeks worth of excitement calms down
that wrenching wretched gnawing sensation
lonliness
isolation
you know what it is only trouble is knowing doesn't help
what's to be done?
hanging out with people doesn't seem to help
much
just get drunken and rave for a while
next day suffer depression and achy joints
suffer a less wretched gnawing
suffer a more deep clear despair
no matter what you do it never goes away
moments of deep connection
with a therapist
help it feel better
someone to imagine being with you
through the pain
through the despair
moments of it outside therapy
most often those moments end up not being safe
married men
or people who want to use you for their own ends
in other ways
the feeling isn't to be found in the world

you know what they say
you know its true
the borderline thing is just dependent personality
with an added layer of rage and shoving away
its dependency really
and lets face it that is Not Okay
because there isn't a way to get that need met
you can't make people love you
and you are too old now
too big
too old
the moment has passed
and There it Is.

why can't you sublimate and
DO SOME BLOODY WORK
stop curling up in your box
i hate me


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poster:alexandra_k thread:900903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20090424/msgs/900903.html