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Only I don't know how

Posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50

In reply to This board, this is the real aversion therapy, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:05:45

I don't know how to respect myself, because I am a nobody who smokes pot, I smoke pot every day again, and I HATE that I seem to be addicted to it again, and I hate that my emotions are so hard to control and that I feel so flat without mj, I hate that I am a slave to this substance and I hate that I hang out with people, sometimes, who spend their whole lives being stoned, that is their way of Being, and I think how lucky I am that I live with my sister and I am restricted to how often I can be stoned, because invariably I'm sure they must be able to smell it on me when I come in, and I try so hard to be normal and then just close myself up in my room, lay my coat on the floor behind the door for extra privacy, open the window wide, breathe through my nose, chew gum, spray perfume .. and I feel so guilty and so bad .. and drink water, lots of water and I need to get some Visine right away to cover the redness of my cornea, the stoned look of my pupils, my eyes at half mast because I have overdone it again damn it, it was stronger than I knew and it just hit me like a hammer .... like a hammer, hammering away inside my skull, I AM A FAILURE i am a failure i am a failure, a failed human being, a jerk in disguise, and I think no, I am not I am a good and a nice decent loving kind person, and people's lives, there are people whose lives are BETTER because they know me, and I know that, and it doesn't matter what the f*ck c f*ck*ng whatever thinks. I feel so chained, so tied and I don't know why, I don't know why. He has lovely brown eyes, at times they were lovely, sometimes they were stricken and sometimes they were cold. Lots of times they were concerned. Now I'm sure they're judgmental, and worried, maybe angry and cold too.
I just don't want to care about knowing, anymore.




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