Posted by susan47 on March 26, 2008, at 15:55:49
You are loved, little one, so very very much. I want you to understand how deeply I love you, I want you to feel it with all your heart and soul and being, how the essence of you, of who you are, is loved completely by your mother. So much pain in our relationship, so much pain in the love we feel for each other, how many disappointments in myself. I can never ask for your forgiveness enough. There is nothing I can do to take back the past.
I can see, in the photos I have, of you with Santa .. you were the most beautiful little girl in the Universe. I wish you could spend just a little time with the little girl that you were, so that you could love her as much as I do, so you could see how great you really are .. You were, and you are .. absolute Sunshine in my life. There is nothing more precious than you are. There is no one who deserves more love and abundance in her life, than you. I pray for you to have an easy life. I pray for you to realize yourself Now. I pray for you to be in touch with the most magnificent essence of yourself, of who you are. Pure Love, that is what you truly are. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I wish you could see yourself the way others see you too, because you would see how proud you should be to have all the gifts that you do. And use them, my sweet darling perfect daughter. Use your gifts well. Raise your voice to the heavens with the love you carry for yourself, for the love that I carry for you, and always, always will. My love for you will never falter, and I wish you were not so afraid to accept it, I wish you were unafraid to really, truly love yourself.
Hold your head high and be proud, damn it.
I love you so much.
You are my daughter, and you are just
I am so proud of you, I am so proud and pleased that you're my baby girl.
And know this.
I will always take care of you.
And I will take care of myself also, so I can be there when and if you should ever need me.
You need me now.
But you'd never admit it.
I'm going to be strong, because I really AM strong. I really am. In my heart, in my soul, I know I have strength that neither you nor I have ever seen.
I love you.
I miss the little you.
God, honey, how I crave the feel of your baby arms around me, the sound of your baby voice, your sweetness, so I could do it all differently, so I would never have taught you how to be vicious, because I was vicious with your baby self, I lost my temper more than once, and I yelled at you, and I did things I regret, like lock you behind a closed door with a timer, because your temper was raging and you were tantruming, and I was afraid of your temper, I was afraid of you and it showed .. I did things that lots of mothers do, like yell and lost my temper, but they're things that aren't really ever forgotten by the soul of either mother or child. And the damage that seemingly forgotten little incidents can do, to a person's self, is just done. That's it.
It only takes a moment.
A flash.. an instant.
But the impression has been made, on a delicate little human brain, on the cells in your body, and mine.
I can see that in your pictures.
An uncertainty, the same one I had in my own baby pictures.
But I hope and pray that I also gave you a feeling of love, of being loved and honoured and found to be very, very precious. Because above all, those were my feelings about you, and are today, and always will be.
And now that I know, I'll never forget how much I owe you, for being my child, my daughter, for growing inside me but yet separate from me, but also together, and the hormones that raged through me, the moods and feelings I had, also raged through your little body, and I wish I had given you more calm, and peace, and joy.
Damn it, I just didn't KNOW!
I didn't know.
There were things I did know,
and then there were the ones that I didn't.
But know that there was music, too. We listened to a lot of good music, in the beginning. I hope you know that, I hope you come back to it someday, and remember how much healing and peace there is in truly great music.
I love you, daughter of mine.
I'm so sorry I wasn't better at life, I'm sorry ... but you need to know that this all happened to me, too. It wasn't my choosing (or was it? Do any of us really know what life is for, or about .. where's the certainty in anything?) ... to be this way, the way I was.
I am going to heal, and so are you.. I pray it's sooner, much sooner than I. Because you have help I never had. You have a mom who's Aware. And yes, I make mistakes and I sure made them, and I don't deny any of your pain.
You've earned it.
You're allowed to express it to me,
and I'm not allowed to make any excuses or denials.
You have a right to your pain.
But most of all, we need to love and forgive and understand each other.
Because nothing and no one will ever replace my daughter in my life. And nothing will replace me, in yours.
And I hope we learn the importance and the value of that bond, and Soon. It can never be Too soon, for me.
I love you. You're beautiful, and perfect, and precious.