Posted by sometimesblue on November 24, 2009, at 15:20:52
I suppose i just need to vent to people who can't see my face. I'm going thru a bout of depression...it isn't full blown, i hope not at least. But it's coming. I'm questioning my life, my decisions, my marriage, my parenting...is this normal? Sometimes I feel like I'm not in love with my husband and never have been. Most of my decisions have been made on a whim, getting married was no different. maybe it was a mistake?
I feel trapped. by my life. my kids. my husband. my depression. my anxiety. i feel i have no freedom....from anything or anyone. i know i'd be a drugged out mess if i didnt have my husband or family to keep me "in check", but i'm still so sad inside. i dont know if i need to be alone to decide what's best for me. but i dont want to be alone. being alone scares me. and i wouldn't really be alone anyway, i have 2 boys (4 and 2) and i couldnt leave them with anyone-what would they think of me. how do i escape the mundane life i've created for myself. i can't go back in time. i wish i could. i know at least one of you will think me a monster, but, i wish i never had kids or got married. i'm a mess...what was i thinking. i never lived alone so i dont know what that's like. maybe it the depression talking. i mean, i love my kids, and i love my husband. i just dont love my life. sometimes i feel like i'm living a lie. like everytime i tell my husband i love him, i can hear myself in the back of my mind saying "no you dont". sometimes i feel God has abondoned me...or maybe i just can't hear him.
i feel like i'm losing my faith. why did God make me like this? Damaged? i don't know. I suppose it isnt for me to know, but it'd be nice to hear him say "dont worry, i know what i'm doing" or that "it will all be worth it"...but right now, i just feel pain.