Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 17:05:37
In reply to Supporting each other in this forum, posted by partlycloudy on October 14, 2004, at 7:18:58
Okay, since I am so full of myself and my sorrows these days, and can't seem to shut up, I guess I will go next.
In my somewhat wild youth, I drank and drank to excess. Only on the weekends, and only until I felt good.
When I met my husband, he was and still is a tee-totaler, so I didn't drink.
Occasionally at holidays, I would have a glass, nothing more.
When my mother died a few years ago, I had to lean very heavily on my family, because my husband was no support at all. Most of my family are drinkers. (Drinkin' Catholics that is) It was easier to loosen up and talk with them with a few drinks since we had really essentially been estranged for years. This I blame on my husband, but really I allowed it didn't I?
My husband started finding it at home and became furious. Began dumping it. Began leaving me hateful horrid notes about it in my car or purse.
I started hiding it.
He would find it, same results. He would count my drinks anywhere we went.
Over the past few years he has losened up some on it, says he doesn't care. Funny thing is, where we have been somewhere and I have been drinking, he always makes me drive home (I usually drive anywhere we go). It's almost as if he wants me to get caught. Because I don't want him to know I am plastered, I drive anyway.
I drink every night. Every weekend.
Wine, only wine. I used to think that was better. I don't drink the hard stuff. Must be better huh?
Never used to start on the weekend before 5, then it was 3, then it was noon....now it's right after I have my last cup of coffee at around 10 or sometimes 9.
I don't want to quit. I don't want to feel what I am afraid to feel without it.
I can't stand to be around anyone at home without it. Am I a mean drunk? Not sure. Some would say yes, especially my husband. I tend to think I am a happy drunk. Feel much more secure with myself when I am drinking.
I can't be around anyone drinking without drinking myself. I slur my words sometimes. I spill my drink on people and myself. I step on their feet, but we all laugh about it. It's really not funny though is it.
The man I had an affair with was and probably still is an alcoholic. Partners in crime they say. Misery loves company. We fed off each others problems, and consoled ourselves, justified ourselves. He has seisures when he quits. He loves me more when he drinks and doesn't think clearly. He loves me, he loves me not. I sometimes think the whole thing was a dream I made up in some drunken stupor. Sometimes I dream about huge rats after a binge, sometimes I dream about him. Sometimes I wake up and can't remember how I got in bed.
Depression, yes depression. If alcohol causes depression, why do I feel better after a few drinks.
Talk about planning when I can do it, where I buy it. I'm there also. Never go to the same store twice in one week. Can't wait until 5 so I can go home and glug down that first drink and then another. Never go to an in-law family event without having a few, since I can't stand them. Always get home a little earlier than everyone else so I can have those two drinks before I have to face the music. Face the people that make me miserable.
Today I plan to go take my dad supper. I have just enough time to get home and drink a few before I leave, and then I will of course fill up my coffee thermos with it and take it with me. Sometimes there is some in his fridge left from sisters. I drink that too. We all drink it. We all drink. Drinking is what we do, and seems to be what we are. Am I afraid of consequences? Sure, but does it stop me? no.
Well, that's all I can share for right now.
There's humor here, I see it. I'm a happy drunk, I'm a sarcastic drunk. I'm sarcastic sober. Some would say angry, some would say negative, I like to refer to myself as sarcastic.