Posted by jujube on October 14, 2004, at 15:49:32
In reply to Re: OK, I will go first., posted by vwoolf on October 14, 2004, at 15:10:12
I started drinking when I was about 15, and, I have to say that at the time I thought it was the best thing to happen to me. I went from being the shy and almost wall-flowerish one among my boisterous friends to being outgoing and daring. I did not grow up in an alcoholic family. I don't even remember my parents drinking very much. My drinking was probably out of control right from the beginning. All I can remember is wanting more, more, more. For years I was happy and partied with the best of them. Then, one day, drinking wasn't fun anymore. I didn't feel as confident and outgoing when I was drinking. I woke up in the morning feeling drained and empty. I spent the last hour of my day at work deciding where I would stock up for the evening. I always made sure I didn't go to the same place twice in a week because, you know, I wouldn't have wanted anyone to think I had a drinking problem! However, I knew I had a problem, and was sure others could see it as well. So, I was starting to isolate myself, avoiding social situations so that I could sit home and drink alone at night and on the weekends, hiding booze, etc. When I was out for dinner or at an early function, I would limit how much I drank, but would make sure I left in time to make it to the store to pick up my supply. Then I started suffering from anxiety. So, I decided to give my body a break. I convinced myself that I wasn't an alcoholic, but was drinking a bit too much. I mean, I had a full-time job, never missed a day of work, never called in sick, worked long hours, blah, blah, blah. Went on the wagon for three months - just long enough to convince myself that I could control my drinking. No way did I have a problem. After my first "break", I was back to drinking every night and all weekend (but never before noon because that would mean that I was an alcoholic!). Two more "breaks" and I hit what I considered my bottom. I was depressed, having anxiety attacks and generally just hating myself and my life. The anxiety and depression were so bad that I had to take sick leave from work. I would pray each night for a heart attack so something to put me out of my misery. I finally admitted to myself and later to a couple of close friends that I was indeed an alcoholic. It was a frightening admission, and one that I didn't particularly like. But, the truth hurts. That was 8 1/2 years ago, and I haven't had a drink since. It hasn't always been easy. There are times when I am out for dinner or at a party and think to myself that I could have a drink or two and it wouldn't hurt. Then this nagging little voice in my head pipes up and reminds me of what a misery the last four years of my drinking career were like. I don't want to go back there, but there are times when I wish I could just drink like a normal person just to relax and let loose once in a while. Anyways, that's it for me. Sorry this was so long. Thanks.