Posted by BarbaraCat on December 21, 2003, at 14:14:28
In reply to got drunk, period » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on November 15, 2003, at 14:31:34
Finally responding to this, sorry it's taken so long, but you know where I've been. Yep, me too, a few times. It sure starts out way too easy. Oh, I'll just have a beer out here at the pub - s long as it's not wine I'm OK. Then it's 'oh, what's one glass of wine? Such an excellent meal out here at this restaurant just wouldnt be the same'. Then it's, well, what the hell, I might as well save some money and buy a bottle instead of paying those expensive prices out - but just one glass'. A few hours later I realize I'm in a very intense bordering on abusive 'conversation' with my husband about dumb but very intense things. This happened a few times recently. In fact, the night out with the 'fiends' was like this, I got very intense and would normally take alot more responsibility for it had they not flung the 'you are evil, demonic and dark' and not dragged my Mom's death into it as being a 'depressing and dark subject' even thought it was exactly one year ago she died. Oh sigh, I don't want to go there again, but I have to acknowledge that had I not drank and smoked way too much pot I'd have been able to keep a much more level head - and probably have popped her a good one for saying that about my Mom. So, after every overly indulgent time I'm 'good' for a while and it seems I learn my lesson a little more - but not enough to just quit the bilge water. There's something more going on, a reason I don't understand.
It's only white wine I crave. All the other forms of alcohol prime the pump but that pump WANTS white wine. I wonder why? What is there in white wine that tickles that itchy spot like nothing else? If I'm tired it gives me energy, if I'm anxious it calms me, a mixed state it puts me back on Earth. I don't understand what chardonnay/pinot grigio (a good buttery one, mind you, not those acidic 'grassy' kinds) give me that the rest don't and that I obviously at some level think I need? Can it be that those buttery ones have more sugar and that what I'm really going through it hypogycemia? That will cause anxiety, depression, etc. A good shot of sugar will stop those hypoglycemic symptoms in their tracks. But then the next day (oh gawd!) is just awful. If I'm not puking I feel like it all day. Burnt out, fried all over, depressed, ashamed, shaky. These are hypoglycemic symptoms to a T (except for the shame part).
I guess that's why in AA meetings they have bowls of sugary sweeties around. Have you ever looked into this yourself? Honestly, if I just drink vodka or scotch straight up I can drink a fair amount without feeling the same way as I do after one glass of wine. We talked about the glass of dopamine connection and maybe it's time to revisit that one. There some reason why we're craving this stuff. If we're feeling anxious or whatever, why don't we crave an Ativan the same way? I realize some people do have a jones for benzos for just this reason, but WE don't. But if it's hypoglycemia, why don't I crave a dark chocolate Haagen-Daz bar the same way (well, it's a pretty close race). Your comment about craving it more, feeling it more while PMS is a very valid one. I've read in a few places that it's very common and of course, has to do with our hormones, but I don't remember the details. Put your thinking cap on, girlfriend. We need to figure this one out. - Your tail dragging buddy, Barbara
> (tail between the legs katia reporting...)
> It was inevitable! With my mood as of yesterday, I went to work on fire ready to fight with anyone. It was super busy and I got two tables - one French with 7 of their own wine and another one with three of their own. Each INSISTED that I try some of it. After the second (OH! I would love to, but I quit drinking), I said OK, I'll TASTE it. And those tastes that were kept given to me totalled about 2 glasses +. God. I suddenly felt silly for being so down before and WHAT WAS THE FUSS ABOUT? Life is so easy with a bit of wine. An instant medication. I was tolerable and tolerant and funny/chatty. Went out after work and had my first martini and a comso after that. oh, and a merlot.
> came home with the bartender (no sex.....thank god) and had a beer on the porch talking about the difference between intelligent people, and geniuses. Smoked a lot of cigs. Gave away a much cherished autographed book by Ken Wilber (speaking of geniuses....). And woke up this morning with my clothes still on and a waste basket near the bed (speaking of idiots....).
> I'm having trouble accessing the ole' brain.
> boy oh boy. They say in "recovery" that part of it is relaspe. Oh goodie - that gives me an excuse.
> But it is interesting monitoring this sober thing and seeing exactly WHY i drink. it's so about self-medicating for me. I don't crave it any other time - apart from eating really good food and wanting wine to complement it.
> I really hit a wall yesterday. It really felt inevitable. i'd lost all inner resources and strength.
> One quick thought - Barbara - two days ago my breasts started hurting - PMS signs. That's also the day I "lost" it and continued to lose it.
> If one gets their hormones checked, what is the best time to do it?
> AND do the levels change thru' out the month?
> If I pay all this money, I want to know once and for all.
> Do you know any of this?
> how are you doing?
> it seems you're taking a psychobabble break.