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Re: my mother died

Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 16:58:57

In reply to Re: my mother died, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2022, at 16:45:15

It is also surprisingly easy for me to remember the good and think well of her. I thought it would bring back a lot of horrible memories... It did to start with. When I thought about going down there, initially. When I thought about going into that house. With so many horrible memories there.

But my sister stayed with me in that house for a few days. And that was... Diffusing. I literally and honestly felt the power of those memories diffuse away.

And my sister... I thought she would be super-organised and super-efficient and so on. Because she is (and always has been) legal administration in some of the biggest / highest powered law firms in the big city... And I found her to be... Dithering. Slow. Bumbling. And also cold. Mean, almost or nearly (towards Mother).

And I don't mean any of that badly -- AT ALL. I mean, it could be that she's the very very best actor in the world. It was exactly what I needed for things to... Diffuse...

I mean... I found my competence. In that context. Whereas I could not have and I would not have if she had have been as efficient and organised as I am sure that she is at work. She did say she was burned out and needed a break from Mother just before she dragged me down there... So it is not a reflection on her at all how she was burned out and needing a break... But the fact that she was like that was diffusing for me. And empowering for me.

In little things... Me seeing little things I could do to genuinely help etc. Because I am the kind of person who likes to hover behind and observe... And learn by observation... And then wait until I see something I can do to genuinely help before I make a movement in that direction. And have some time and space to genuinely develop in ability and capacity and have realistic self-assessment so that I don't take over when someone else is more competent (at that moment) than me...

Things that would be highly valued in any nation or land that was not insane...

Anyway... People got to see various things about me.

Because they are very stereotypical in their thinking and judging of me, I suppose. They assumed I would be anti-touch (I was massaging her to help her circulation). They assumed I would be cold or missing out on verbal cues (I was warm -- but not willing to play certain games)... I was helpful.. When I could be. Because I could be.

Rather than stabotaging or undermining.

I did have questions... ANd I did not have the respect for the registrars that they probably wanted to see. But I was clear... You are registrar on a weekend shift and you can read the file notes but you are not her regular consultant clinician (I didn't even know what kind of registrar she was if she was ED or psychiatry or...)... And when you say 'there isn't anything more we can do' and 'we haven't had a second consultant examine her from hemotology oncology' and 'we haven't had oncology radiation follow up on her response to radiation' and 'we haven't had a surgical consult -- we don't need one because we know what the neurosurgeons, the ortho surgeons, the ENT surgeons and the cardiothoracic surgeons (depending on where the mass actually was) will say.


'We don't have to ask them because we know what they will say'.


But I think I was kind and firm with the registrar who thought it was her place to deliver bad news on the weekend like that without proper consultation...




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