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I don't know what is going on...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:07:29

I guess what is going on is Waikato is going 'we made you we have the power to end you' because that is the way of things here.

There is no 'if you love something set it free... And if it is meant to be... It will come back to you...'

Which is how it is that I came back to Waikato.

On my return back there has been this whole insecure attachment thing. Tantrums since returning. Tantrums. 2 years of tantrums.

My last thesis (so many years ago now) was about delusions. About how from the literature it looked like clinicians were finding delusions by misinterpreting their clients speech because they were interested in finding delusions. Well, I didn't say that. But I pointed out dialogue where clinicians seemed interested in asking their client questions that had them saying things that sounded delusional. And I was saying to think of what they are trying to express emotionally. So, less denying Cogito Ergo Sum (I am dead) and more expressing emotional numbness.

Was part of it.

Anyway... My supervisor turned into the embodiment of irrationality in the service of emotionality. All year. Toddler tantrums.

I don't know what the issue is. She had breast cancer. Maybe she had brain cancer. I do not mean that meanly. I do not know what the issue is. She is not rational or reasonable. I cannot dialogue with her. Things turned very pear shaped very quickly. It wouldn't have mattered if other people had have done their job within the University. But they did not.

You don't have to have your supervisors permission to submit your thesis for examination. Indeed, if you wait for permission to be given there will always always always always always be more changes required more changes required more changes required more changes... Round and round. For the maxmimum possible time. The student will be asked. Told. Bullied. Bullied upon tantrums and threats of failure to re-enrol for an extended period...

I just submitted my thesis for examination and ignored the tantrums.

But that meant that she decided her goal was to see me failed for my impertinence.

The examiners reports came back and everyone is telling me I am failed. I need to keep working. I need to pay more money to the University...

I followed the complaints and appeals procedure...

I didn't know what to do. Do I stop work and wait for complaints / appeals or do I keep working while the complaints / appeals process unfolds??


Another year later...

The complaints / appeals process is still unfolding.



Slowly as you like.

The Ombudsmen of NZ.

Which is about corruption in public institutions like Universities.

The whole world markets this thing that the problem of corruption in Univesrities is really a problem of people paying for Degrees and Qualifications they should not have. That is part of it, for sure. What we don't hear about is the other side to that. How Universities are corrupt when they refuse to give people credit for the work they have done. When they fail their best students because their best students make other students look less than the best...

It seems to me that things are very crazy. Not at all rational. I read some of the law documents and the things the judge says and I feel less crazy. There is sensible. Rational. Reasonable. Kind. Wise. Those sorts of basic virtues that I haven't been seeing at the University.

But when will there be justice for me?

There hasn't been any.

I came back to NZ because I knew full well the grades and the GPA that I had. I knew full well that if I did well in science I had a really really really really very good shot at Medicine indeed.

And it seems to me that the Universities in NZ have repeatedly violated their own regualtions and repeatedly violated their own process and procedure in refusing to have offered me a place. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times...

It's my entire life.

I think of how old I am.

This country has wasted my life.

This country doesn't provide me with a living wage. Not really. It provides me with just not quite enough of a living wage. It is very strategic that it is the wage that it is and I know this because of how it varies across region in a way that alwayas makes it not quite enough. That doesn't happen by accident.

I don't know what is to happen with me.

I just cannot believe that things are so awful and corrupt here as they really very genuinely do seem to be.

I just cannot believe it.

If there is anything different or more here then why don't I get to see any of it? Why is it always hidden from me?

I don't understand.

I don't know what it is that I am expected to do.

The only thing I can see is to take whatever pay out I can from teh courts and flee.

I think that might be the only thing that can be done here.

I grieve...

We have epidemics of measles and rheumatic fever.

Maaori cannot read. It would be 'culturally inappropriate' for them to have reading writing and arithmetic. Their tribal leaders do not want them to have these skills. It would be culturally inapprpropriate for them to have the option to have a private medical consultation where they are honestly informed of what is going on in a way they understand so they can decide what they want to do (if they need to see about trying to get the funds for it or whatever). Instead... We are told it is culturally appropriate for them to have their 'required' immunisations only and to have group consultations only and...

It gets worse as they try and keep the proportion of Maaori at around 10 or 15 or 20 per cent or whatever it is in teh face of immigration.

All around the world...

The problem is we have exceeded our carrying capacity for people.

There are so many more people than there used to be.

We don't look after our kids.

The other day this kid died in a student residential hall and nobody noticed for around 6 or 8 weeks nobody even knows. The institutional response is precisely the wrong one. They are saying we need to invade peoples privacy in teh home more as soltuion to tht. Nobody is saying this kid paid thousands of dollars in fees to a Public University in New Zealand and they didn't even notice that he didn't turn up to scheduled tutorials or laboratories.

They are saying 'how did we miss him' (his dead body for so long).

Nobody is saying: How didn't we miss him?

Why didn't we miss him?

This country is not good to it's people at all.

But and so...

I am a good person.

So why is there no way of life for me?

People do not listen.

I am tired of listening to the people with all of the money. All of the employment opportunities. All of the resources. All of the assets. Crying that the problem is that I do not listen to them.

I do not listen to those above me.

I listen to those below me.

Why do the people above me not listen to the people below them? Below me?

This country makes me crazy.

This country IS crazy.

Why am I not allowed to help? Why am I not allowed to make things better?

Me listening to you with all the money and the power and the employment and your delusions because I left this country however many years ago therefore my proper place is to be your subordinate slave forever now...

Is not helping. Is not helping anything at all.

I think it likely is brain cancer.

Personality change.

I do not remember her like this.

But then my supervsior from before... I remember him as kind...

And now I do not find him kind at all. I find him a ditherer. For sure. But now I see the harm that comes from his dithering.

His inability to act.

It doesn't seem harmless anymore.

That I am the age that I am. They have all the money all the work and their dithering... I'm supposed to devote my life to making their life better while they dither about and elaborately confabulate their emotional feeling that i should be failed and murdered in my sleep if i don't want mostest of all just to stay with them and pander to them while they have all the money and the power and the resources and...

While other people (the people living in tehir rental properties no doubt) die of rheumatic fever and so on...

But it' sokay. They don't heat their own homes either...

I am angry because I am seeing old parts of me come back. These head circles were very... Waikato. I think of them, now. I did these head circles when I was there. I remember trying to rationalise their behavior. I remember trying to understand and make sense of their sayings and reasons and explanations.

It's so very strikingly obvious to me now that the problem was environmental.


All the good things in me...
THe kindness
The helpfulness
How I am with students and those who are vulnerable
(That these awful people who have all the resources who have all the charge of me never get to see)

That's why no teaching work for me...

The problem is: People like me.

People like me. And they want to keep me. For themselves. Not for anybody else. And not to be free. Cage teh bird. It will sing in its cage.

But it won't.


Complexity of song. It is hard to quantify. People have tried. Apparently it is older birds. Some birds live a vey long time. Apparently it is also to do with health. Cognitive / brain development. There is a bird around here. Not very often. Couple times. Very early in the morning. Very complex song. The other birds shut their yaps. It is freaky. The other birds shut their yaps and listen.

If you put that bird in a cage it will squawk like a retarded seagull scavenger bird that lives on rubbish bins in the central city.

But some people can't hear the difference.

But they know which one they want to cage.

Sometimes caging it. Gives satisfaction. Some kind of mutual stand of. If you will not sing fo rme at least I have the satisfaction of knowing you will not sing ever again. That is the only control I have. I will take it.

I said about people tearing wings off butterflies.

It is more that people will cage birds to prevent them singing... When they... Love to hear them sing? No... They do not love it. They only seek to control.




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