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Re: Are you okay scott? SLS

Posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2018, at 22:48:43

In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? alexandra_k, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58

> Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.

I think I feel the same, Deneb. Sometimes I take comfort in knowing that pain and misery will pass. No matter how bad things feel, at times, it will pass. And one day there will be peace in the form of no more pain and misery.

> I find that belief to be both orderly and terrorizing. When I was younger and had many years ahead of me, my age was not an issue. It is now. I am running out of time. I have suffered a life of struggle and pain. I would like to have my remaining years make my life having been worth living. I don't see remission happening for me.

I think I also feel the same as this, at times, Scott.

I think (for me) it is because I decided not to have kids. It wasn't that I didn't want to contribute to this world -- it was that I didn't want that to be my contribution to this world. I had other contributions in mind, but I find myself stuck in a state of poverty fairly persistently which means I don't even have any kind of say in anything, whatsoever... Of course I do see that having a kid wouldn't have made me any the richer so I don't regret that. But I do feel sad that this world didn't work out for me such that I felt able to... Support?? Continued existence in it. Thinking of reproduction as a form of continued existence into the future, I mean. Like... A cutting, of a kind.

> I was lucky enough to find an organization that caters to people with mental illness. It is understood that people will not be feeling well enough to engage in activities every day. Much of the work involves keeping the organization running by soliciting funding and performing administrative tasks. There are creative outlets as well. People produce art that is shown and sold in local galleries. Creative writing is supported by having workshops. Cooking and preparing lunch is another activity. There are social workers to help out with keeping people involved and encourage people to interact in the community. The people there are great.

I see. That's something that people find makes life meaningful and worth living. People. People who accept things (e.g., that sometimes you don't feel like going in or doing whatever and to allow that). People who accept and actually value self-expression in the form of creativity.

In reading this... Of course I'm probably projecting my own issues... But what I thought of was an organisation struggling to survive... In the sense of much of the work involving soliciting funding...

I have been thinking a lot, lately, about sustainability. It's a buzzword now, which is upsetting. Something about the difference between a constant struggle to stay afloat (which my life has mostly been - living from week to week) vs a sense of security in having those basic needs met so one is able to work to increase that security or sustainability into other things...

I wonder if there are things that might contribute towards making the organisation more sustainable so people didn't need to spend so much time trying to attract funding? I don't know. I'm starting to think that along with inter-personal relationships figuring out how to get something that was struggling to stay afloat into a position of sustainability is one of the hardest things in the world. Especially when there may be management structures and / or shareholders to support...

I think things are particularly hard in this country because it is the 'easiest economy to do business in, in the world' (because we don't have laws preventing practices known to be harmful)... Because the management ideal seems to be to buy early, exploit, and get out at the right time. Rinse and repeat. Because a bunch of salaries were 'only supposed to be temporary' (along with my extreme poverty)...

I don't know that I'm talking much sense.

I guess this is why people like to plant trees.

But then I think about little red hen 'who will help me plant the seed'... And who will take the fruit for themselves in the night...

Do you have a bucket list? Running out of time for... What? What would you like to do with your life from this point, if you were well?

 

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