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Re: Are you okay scott? SLS

Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09

In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45

> Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.

Wow. That resonates with me, also. I do have moments when I think / fear that my life is over, already. That the best of it has passed. That I missed out on things, somehow, made some wrong crucial decision choices.

I have been labouring a bit. Quite a bit. To get into Medical School. I feel like if I get to do that then things will be just starting out for me, again. A sense of optimism about that. There are different entry pathways to it, over here. And I have been down a couple of them, over the last few years. And no luck with that, so far. So I'm starting to feel... Old... And jaded with it. And quite a lot foolish. Like I'm delusional about it, somehow. Like I've fallen for some big scam that promises false hope. That it's just a way of trying to post-pone suicide for... Just one more year. This will be the year for me - right?

While I watch my hair turn greyer. My face turn mushier and the morning creases take most of the day to dissipate...

I think I hear where you are coming from.

But then I also really do think that people are living for longer, all of the time. Longer and physically healthier. And people are retiring from non-physically demanding (and repetative and toxic) work not because their bodies are worn out, anymore, but because they feel they have done their time with it. Earned their retirement. Had enough of it, already.

There is an aspect of retirement that strikes me as being more like the 35 or 40 year olds blowing smoke up the 17 and 18 year old's *ss*s to try and motivate them to get their *ss*s to the front line while the old fogies stay home because they could't possibly be up to the task...

Reading about 'old man strength'. The kind that has your Dad pick up an engine out of a car all by himself... The kinds of things the 18 year olds can't do (the kinds of things their egos and the smarts of the older generation has them believe they can and the older folks can't)...

I just mean to say that I'm really genuinely coming around to the idea that people have a lot more life in them for a lot longer than they would have us believe... That accepting things are over already...

Well, it doesn't have to be that way.

I do understand why people want to retire early when they got into work so young. They want to have a period of their life where they get to live and enjoy it. But I reckon that means that people who are a bit later to get started can do their working closer to the other end.

I really did think.. With all my Arts focus and art friends before... That civilisation was really rather a lot further along than it seems to be. Things like racism and ageism and discrimination and identification of weakness (or the perception of anything approximating weakness) was the thing.. Anyway...

I have come to see that the tick tocking aspect is more to do with just how quickly people are ruining things. Can I get there before they've destroyed it completely?

My Mother is alzheimers when it suits her. She likes that, actually. Her old age gives her an excuse (she thinks) for behaving badly. Like a terrible toddler when she feels like it...

I won't be looking after her. She never looked after me. I have come to realise that she had me in order to trap my Father. That was probably why he married her - because she intentionally got herself pregnant with me. I don't know why I didn't see that before. It really makes sense of his always being so very ambivalent about me. And of her rubbing his face in... Me... All the time. 'You have to do whatever I say because you have a daughter now'.

Anyway... Souunds like things are not so bad between you and your MOther?

I feel like sleeping a lot, too. Do sleep a lot, in fact. I think sometimes the gym for me is more about an excuse to sleep... If / when I start lifing weights then it's not so very much work (in a temporal sense) and an awful lot of rest / sleep in between...

It is hard to see / know what to do...

What do you do with your days?

> Mom might have Alzheimers. Her memory is getting worse. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I can deal with this. I dont know how I will deal with anything. I am too depressed. I have no more drive to get things done. Its too hard. I wish I could just live my life on the couch and not do anything. I want to sleep to escape. I dont think I can survive financially.
> I am full of anxiety about these things and more. It is beginning to take its toll on me. The depression has become worse. How can I take care of myself? What happens as I grow older? I cant survive with the severe depression I have. I think I have had enough pain in my life. I cant struggle anymore. Im tired. I think about suicide. Who will take care of Mom? I cant take all of the responsibility. It is too much for me.
> > Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before.
> Everything is fine. I don't even remember there being a problem.
> I hope you can find an easier path with fewer obstacles.
> - Scott




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