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my friends...

Posted by alexandra_k on December 28, 2016, at 22:34:16

are my friends...
of course they are.
and they are important to me.
and it is important to have friends...


i don't think they want me to succeed in life.
in the things that i want in life.
to have any real power over my life.
i think they want me to remain poor and dependent...
for the same reason as my mother...
they think they would never see me, otherwise.


if that is true...
it is only true because of how they treat me.
because... i've learned to be kind to me, over the years.
if you want me to help you make x
and then you say 'i want you to do y'
and then you criticise me or get upset with me for doing it differently to how you would do it...
then because i find that so very unpleasant i try and preempt it by asking:
'and how, exactly do you want me to do that'
and then (after perhaps making a bit of a case for doing things a bit differently) complying...
and it feels to me like making you happy involves me always putting aside myself and doing exactly what you want me to do exactly when you want me to do it which is...
fun for you
and a lot less fun for me.

of course.

and instead of eating and drinking what i want when i want (since i am fairly in touch with my body and it's needs and desires) if we are only supposed to eat and drink what you want when you want it since you are in touch with you...

or are in control of the food...

or of the budget...

and nobody gets to see me.

nobody gets to experience what a...


host i would be if i had control of those things.

nobody gets to experience how much control i would give back (part of the whole being gracious thing) if i were in control of those things.

it's odd to me that people assume that i would give them nothing at all if i had such power.

the only reason why they work as hard as they do on the jobs that they do... is to have such power.

how did my friends come to sell out?

i think that is the thing... they traded their souls for money... i remember them how they used to be... young... liberal... working class... they wanted to make the world a better place for the underprivileged... for the kids... 'like them'. but then they got offered cocktails and parties and free telecommunications and world travel and wardrobes and all the perks of the ruling class... and now they are deaf, dumb, and blind to what is going on in the country around them to the people just like them... just like how they used to be.

they sold out. oh yes, they did.

i didn't sell out. i hope i never do.

i know i will need to trade freedom in order to get a job. in order to have... down the track... control over my own living circumstance. ultimately to be a homeowner. i don't need people pets the way other people do... and that scares people. what i want is the means to retain my own independence.

they don't want to know. that's what freaks me out. this last 'earthquake'. ask someone who knows about different kinds of waves... ask someone who knows who was there to experience. to see what was going on in the sky. or... don't then. don't put 2 and 2 together. because... you profit. and because you are scared to not profit.

because... there is this sh*tty notion of a hierarchy. because people are no different than animals according to them... no difference. it's all about hierarchy... it's all about taking what you can get for as long as you can get it...

i made the right decision. i'm not scared. i think people need to know we've retained our humanity. we aren't afraid to be people. i'm not. i'd rather retain my human dignity.

what the hell happened to my friends?

i... shouldn't feel... superior. i shouldn't feel virtuous. i have been lucky this last semester. things are changing here. i do not know what will happen with me. they are my friends and some things about them i love very much...

but they are slaves to facebook
to blasting television
to people doing what they say because they are richer / in command...

and i'm happy that i'm not like any of that... that i do not have to be...

and that i do not feel afraid. i do not feel afraid enough to need to take refuge in such things. to pretend that nothing special is going on... to believe that everything is okay...

to not put two and two together.

they used to be able to... or maybe they didn't. maybe they didn't. i don't know. i... am not so very much like them...




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