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Re: Thank you baseball55

Posted by alexandra_k on November 5, 2016, at 22:36:18

In reply to Re: Thank you, posted by baseball55 on November 5, 2016, at 18:23:25

Hey. I just typed 2 lengthy posts and lost the both of them... I swear... Babble hasn't loaded so slowly for me etc since... Since around 2004.


Ethernet cable might fix things... We will see...

I'm sorry to hear that your own voice is your worst enemy... I... Have made an awful lot of progress on treating myself well... For me now... My worst enemies are other people. Other people who want me to believe that what is best for me is what is best for them. Other people who want me to believe that I need to be looking after them etc.

I haven't found a gym in NZ where I can just get on with it. For me... I found myself there. I found that I could focus on me. A realistic assessment of what I could and couldn't do. To honestly work on the things that were best for me. To see progress. Here... I can't find myself there anymore. It seems to me that the gym is full of people who are very focused on other people and on gaining their approval. It feels like I'm not allowed to focus on me. Instead I need to be constantly scanning the environment to make sure I smile at people who smile at me and if someone sets up at a station next to me I'm supposed to modify what I'm doing so that they can play along.

I'm remembering back to when I first joined... I told myself... 'Don't worry about other people. Just focus on you. Most of them are just focused on them. They aren't bothered about you'. And that was true. But it isn't true anymore. Or that isn't true here.

It might be... That the gyms round where you live are just awful... It really might be.

I wanted to do yoga... But the worst thing about yoga is the people who like yoga. The people who like to be mostly naked with the other people. Who like to stare at themselves and others in the mirror. Right before communal showers. Then you get the whole thing of how you need to pretend to be worse at things than you are otherwise people will hate on you. You need to reassure them that your top priority is whatever they want. Whatever they need. Making them feel good. Or they'll do the modern equivalent of all getting together and stoning you.

I am feeling pretty awful at the moment... Need to find a new place to live. I hate that. It is possible that this awful angst will be what scaffolds me to... Enables me to... Finally get a one bedroom place with non-nosy neighbours... Someplace away from people who like to shout 'f*ck off' to each other in very loud voices... Someplace with (dreams...) trees and happy birds. To be able to open my window in the summer time and have gentle breeze and happy birds and to be able to read in peace...




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