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How to vent suffering

Posted by pedr on July 1, 2010, at 0:03:27 [reposted on July 1, 2010, at 15:58:25 | original URL]

Hi babblers,
I'm on Nardil 90mg for chronic major depression, OCD, anxiety and SP. I also have GERD (Acid Reflux) and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Some days and weeks are pretty good and some are pretty bad. When my IBS is bad, it causes depression that easily scythes through my CBT, REBT and OCD knowledge and the help that Nardil gives me. On these days I really don't want to be around and wish I could "fast forward" to when the IBS pain and resulting psychological pain relents. Quite often I'm ambivalent about living or dying. I'm not suicidal - I just wouldn't mind too much if I got whacked by a bus (if that makes sense).

I often feel like I want to make some kind of statement of just how horrible I often feel. Something visible to others or perhaps just meaningful to myself. Things that initially sprung to mind are:
- get a serious bit of tattooing done. I'm not cool enough to carry off a tattoo though I don't think...
- cutting. Maybe.
- shave my hair really close. Not really tough-looking enough to pull it off.
- taking up a dangerous sport/past-time. Possibly.
- ...

Then it occurred to me that I could put my desire to vent to good use. I could
- help out at a charity store
- teach underprivileged kids computing/english
- do loads of exercise and get fit/beefed up. The main problem here are the Nardil SE's that make exercise feel horrible.
- meditate. Tried that. OCD meditation = MEGA OCD
- other "positive" stuff.

But I'm not sure the positive stuff will make me feel vented or relieved. I dunno. I don't want to vent to my family as I don't want to bring them down and I don't want them to consider me self-centred and self-obsessed, which frankly I kind of am - depression does that to you.

Anyone else out there feel bottled up, that you want others to know what you go through each day somehow? That you want to acknowledge and release the pain you endure? If so, how do you vent the pain/suffering?


p.s. apologies if this is the wrong forum.
p.p.s. I should also add that Nardil is the only med that I've responded to positively and I'm doing the best I've ever done since my depression started. I do not wish to change meds right now.

Treatment Resistant depression, anxiety, OCD: 13 years
IBS-C & GERD: 8 years
Current meds: 90mg Nardil, 300mg Zantac, 20mg Prilosec




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