Posted by Fivefires on August 15, 2009, at 22:04:56
In reply to Re: Think my namesake's tragedy is mine too??, posted by Kath on August 14, 2009, at 10:08:59
Hey Kath..you hit the nail on the head here.
The acknowledgement of this by my m, to an extreme, siblings knowing (can't they see?) and not standing beside me to even discretely say 'I understand and am sorry', I desperately heart-broken.
Shortly after posted this, m did it again; another issue; AN ISSUE SHE SUGGESTED I PURSUE(?) came back at me like another boomerang. I decided best to just reply, 'ok'. She won't let me in and they don't want her to because 'I'm not worth it to them. Afterall, I have nothing to give, I guess. Even the love of our father which I tried to keep alive, they messed with this, so I guess my looking to them for comfort, in the words of one of them 'you're making a fool of yourself', really makes sense now.
Myself, I would not want to leave this life w/o admitting to my child any thoughts or ill-feelings she maybe thought were her imagination in 'our relationship' *were legitimate*. I began to practice this years ago, when I saw it happening. I said 'no you're not imagining it. You are right. I am sorry.
I keep remembering times w/ d/f and his mother (She is whom I remember rocking me, singing to me, and rubbing my forehead when I had a headache.) and m far away. They didn't get along. After my d/f's mother drew her last breath, he turned away from my m and ran straight to me!(?) I failed him, I think though, as I was in shock at the loss. I was frozen, numb. I pre-grieved her passing. Anyway, I didn't put my arms around my d/f. He went to another room. I don't remember much more.
My m's mother and I grew very close nearer the end of her life. She ended up w/ her latter years as hard times and needed to talk and to be listened to. She told me I was the only one who understood.
I felt bad if this hurt m. I feel bad d/f's last words were re: me, esp. becuz she told me it upset her that he would say it to her kindred daughter, my youngest sister, feeling it probably hurt her feelings. I didn't learn of his last words until my little sister told me. M withheld from me. No, I was not there. I'd told him a month before, should anything happen please imagine me standing beside you there and holding your hand.
I went the day before and fell on top of him (hope I didn't hurt him) crying 'Im so sorry'.(?) He spoke a beautiful sentence and it was the same one I would have wishes to say to him, and I repeated it. I left. There were only two hands. One was for my m, one for my little sister. And, I guess felt if stayed 'Mighta rocked the boat'. I know he understood, but there still remains some guilt.
We, our family, who are still here, well .. I sorta' started to fall out of the nest and no one grabbeed me.
There is one sibling, the one he looked up to and spoke his last words, who did pass them on to me when I asked(?), who shared my deep grief.
She is lucky to have been/be kindred w/ both my d/f and m, as well. Has good husband and children and 'life'.
She has figurately pulled away from me too soon.
There are actually two sibs who are quite kindred w/ m. I am so not jealous. I am happy for them. (This i do not understand completely Kath. I love my m very much and want her to have her kindreds/her comforters.)
I am just ending this, my longest relationship with a man. I need my family's comfort. When I seek it from m, well there's exactly what you say K.
I brought the talk to me of lost brother always and her suffering, the invalidation, to the siblings. I didn't ask anyone to take sides. I was looking for some comfort there I believe.
I just feel truths, in our final moment, will be very important.
No one must have agreed. They dis'd me and my need for them! Why? They would not have to speak it in front of her. Are their none who felt like me; m and I had an understanding we agree to disagree. I have beautiful dreams of the four of them and I young and happy, just to awaken and realize they don't even want to acknowledge me or my current great sadness.
Bro', about 2yrs after d passed, on phone, said to me 'I thought he/I were the closest:( ' I said 'Oh bro' he loved us all'. I've never spoken 'd/f and I closer to them'. It was his wife who finally just said it .. 'You know you and your d/f were the closest, don't you?' I responded kindly, saying you're the first person who has ever said this to me. I think he loved us all and dropped the subject as soon as able'.
A recent invalidation from m occurred yest. The car daughter and I broke down. M's man friend, in service w/ my d/r, STOOD ME UP AFTER INVITING ME TO GO OUT TO EAT AND HAVE PIEx2, the day before he was ASKED/WELCOMED TO GO TO MY, NOW I AM ACCEPTING, 'NOT' MY HOME :( . This person went froma kind and happy demeanor, telling me I could have his piece of pie since is diabetic, to, when I called to say was gonna' jump in shower, said 'well let's just see how the day plays out'(?) Now, must assume m must have called him re: my communication separation from foo.
I've been able to STRONGLY FEEL and read behind the spoken words, foo does not want me to visit, ever again! Direct opposite to d/f's words 'well you better come HOME for a while' when I was usually in the midst of grieving love dying. (At this time I grieve the longest relationship of the five top ones, w/o anyone at all to comfort me.
My initial contact with foo was about pc safe from hackers, etc., and I think a slight mention of my HUGE NEED FOR COMFORT. (I always hid bad news, but since it has been at least half a century since felt 'any happiness', I might have mentioned my need for their comfort. Remember, I've no trustworthy friends where I live and children are very busy. (Still, I know Kath.)
I sent an email to sisters re: invalidation of myself by oru m. 24hrs passed w/o an I'm Sorry. It was then it really hit home not a single oneof them would stand beside me and discuss this w/ m. Imo, the grief for her bro'6decades ago, still is there w/ her. And, imo, one should receive some ease and forgiveness and peace if they'd talk and cry about it with their most-loved pp, their family, instead of sort of giving it to me w/o really knowing what it was.
I said 'would you stand beside me?' to sibs. I wasn't asking them take sides. What I was looking for was, their time to devote to m and I, so she, even more than I, could let go of these arrows she doesn't realize are dead center my heart. I wished we could discuss the tragedy of his life, the wonders of his short life, the deepness ofher loss, and, ITS RELATIONSHIP TO ME?
aBOUT 24hrs had passed. I knew they all are online at this time, and not one of them replied.
When my d/f was hrs away from passing, he looked @ my bro and said 'take care of my girls'.
It was his own wife who had spoken words re: who was closest to d/f, but then sent me an email saying 'i was exhausting' ... when we suffer from emotional damage it really hurts to be told to shut up about it by those you love so much. No apology incoming. I've sent three outgoing for my response.
It was his own wife who said 'you know, you and your d/f were the closest' and I replied 'Oh? You are the firt person to ever say that to me'.
So when my only bro' said to me 'i thought he and I were closest' I wonder now if she said this to him as well.
Their family lives in my d/m's home now. It was my safe place when meditating. Now I really can't find one.
Very bad is that this dribbled down to our children, their generation, and, now, they have joined the 'dis' 5f's movement' as well. These nieces, I treated like own daughters.
I am doing very well cognitively and w/ my anxiety level. Everything seems TOO clear. When I posted last, I'd rec'd one phone call. I have rec'd one since then. In the eyes of those I love, their 'get' is I am a troublemaker.
There certainly was bad in my 14yr (to this month) relationship, (I erred thinking it was 15yrs. Began in 8/1995.) there was a strong connection w/ challenge (I like.) and maybe the most love I'll ever again feel from a man again. When M here, she pushed me to file oop and alongside her, did her friend. The friend lives here, close by, pays the rent, and the she comes in the winter. Bible say honor father and mother. So, I did. She says do, and I do.
Relationship w/ her and I has become very bad for me, and obviously her, as all foo lives near and stand beside her but not I.
She loved me; I remember, I think. So, I feel/have a great deal of sadness and difficulty thinking the choices which she has made since d/f passed were intended to harm me, as all of them did.
So, w/ so much lost, then losing a man I loved by their constant persuasion and even my own agreement finally, I turned to them for comfort, but, they had none. M had blamed him for so much. It was like whatever m did or said or chose was right no matter the consequence to me. I know there is a diffence between feelings for a sibling and a parent; but in common there should be love. Losing so much the last 5yrs, and now a love, I needed to my family. I begged. I prayed someone would email (they won't call on phone or text message) ... come home for a while.
Instead, they had no feelings one way or the other; none responded. It would be hard for most of them to understand losing or letting love go, as many times as I have, I guess. But then, why didn't they ask me about it. Why didn't someone say 'Are you okay?'. They didn't because they were glad I had followed my m's lead.
I'm was the one reaching for comfort, and for her, denial comforts, whether they see this or not, the most important thing to them was she was okay. None care about me. I've begged for visits, phone calls once in a blue moon, something, anything, but nada.
Are they all angry w/ me because d & I were close?
Are they all angry w/ me because I need my mother to say 'I'm so sorry you're hurting. Maybe you better come home for a while.
Maybe they don't love me!
I told them 'well, I will stay out of your lives then'. So much invalidation was rendering me a nobody.
They are w/ homes, jobs, vehicles, and pp who sleep under their roofs at night who love them, and m's business, a dream realized and in which they all keep together,
but d/f gone, and I, maybe too
5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:911857
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090802/msgs/912347.html