Posted by Timne on July 2, 2009, at 15:01:55
In reply to What's to be scared about? » Deneb, posted by Bobby on June 18, 2009, at 12:22:16
Don't put the guy down just because he is offering sexual intimacy. If you don't want to hang with him, don't. But sexual mores and intimate preferences are very personal.
To conclude that another's interest in one's self is somehow unholy when one has not fully disclosed your one's own interests, preferences and mores could tend to impose one's values on the other who approaches them.
Fear is a slithery thing. Feelings of fear don't necessarily mean that the object of one's attention is the subject of the fear. The depth and actual feeling of fear could be a product of uncertainty about one's own ability to handle conflicted emotions.
There is no problem with casual sex, if that is one's preference and if one has the maturity to manage one's preference -- biologically and psychologically. There is a problem with not knowing one's own sexual preferences and then blaming others when they invite one to participate in intimate activities. By the way, sex is intimate. Usually. It's not the only kind of intimacy, by any means. Apples are fruit, but not all fruit is apples.
Telling the guy to f*ck off, or otherwise being rude puts the blame on the other. If he repeatedly asks after you've plainly and politely said no -- and no, not no, maybe later -- then his behavior is a problem.
Ignoring him is fair play, but it still avoids a mature approach to an adult situation. It leaves the door open -- in his mind and potentially in yours -- to the idea that things could heat up later. That's so new age, but it isn't all that honest. If you want to explore the difference between mental intimacy you might prefer and physical activities he might consider intimate, intimate to him your preferences.
Does he accept them, and consider them part of what makes you special? If so, keep that guy's number in a special place. Or does he try to alter your preferences. Study is methods, but avoid him.
People tend to think this is a problem about guys trying to get something from girls. It's more than that. It swings every which way. As a guy, I have the same problem with some women. Often it involves casual intimacy. People draw their boundaries in every shape and size. Casual, conversational intimacy serves as a good foundation for later sex play. It's called flirting. But when it's casual -- riddled with the very un-intimate demand -- "don't talk about that", which allows sexual conversation to develop without allowing room for another to fully intimate their sexual or intimate preferences, I'd rather just not talk at all. So I don't. But that's my deal, not hers.
Same here -- until he violates some preference you've declared, if he's acting within social norms (and single people approaching other single people for casual sex is a social norm) it's your thing to manage, not his.
Look at this as a situation in which you are developing. Nothing inappropriate -- on his part or on yours, based on what you've told me. I once met a woman on line and she bought me a hotel room, flew me to her town and spent several days with me. No sex. A few late-night visits, and lots of advice on my part that she resolve things with her partner. That's what happened. Hotel motel doesn't always spell sex. Uninformed Assumption is the antithesis of intimacy.
poster:Timne
thread:901700
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090624/msgs/904528.html