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Re: Not such a good Memorial Day for me.

Posted by SLS on May 27, 2009, at 20:08:06

In reply to Re: Not such a good Memorial Day for me. SLS, posted by verne on May 27, 2009, at 19:58:24

> Hi Scott,
>
> "I have very few social contacts. I am not a participant in life and do very little to keep myself connected with the outside world." you could be describing me.
>
> Holidays hit me hard. I can't count the times I've blown months of sobriety on a holiday. 3-day weekends are especially rough since the mail stops and neighbors tend to make more noise with backyard social gatherings.
>
> I don't have anything encouraging or insightful to say. Just to say I'm going through much the same. I usually take refuge in watching TV but that's hard on Memorial Day with all the war movies. My dad was a war "hero" who looked and acted like John Wayne. My idea of self-inflicted torture is to watch a John Wayne war movie. One of the last things may dad said to me, invalidating me forever, was: "You don't know what pain is!"
>
> My life is really just a carousel in which I rotate from bed, to computer, to TV: again and again, round and round. Sometimes I peek outside. My few interactions with other people are later exaggerated in my head. I can agonize over a phone call or chance encounter for hours. I've actually called someone to apologize for having called them earlier.
>
> It got so bad during one summer of complete isolation, that I routinely called the police to complain about odd noises and other fears. I even called to complain about a persistent humming noise.
>
> Other times I called to ask the police whether I was wanted for anything or about to be arrested, although I have no criminal record and wasn't engaged in anything illegal. Isolation, more than anything, did that to me.
>
> When you say, "I now realize just how successful I have been to be so positive and constructive regarding my predicament in life. For the most part, I have been successful at avoiding suicidal depressions. I am usually very grateful for all of the gifts I have been given. I am usually optimistic about my future. I am usually tolerant of being alone." that also describes me.
>
> I'm depressed but not suicidal - in spite of my winter vodka deep freeze "accident" fantasy. There's still a hope and gratitude that you describe. I, too, am optimistic about my future.
>
> Like you, I'm tolerant of being alone and can go weeks without any human contact yet I'm somehow needy at the same time. I guess that's why I post at all. Yet my need for solitude is also strong and could explain my constant quest to be blocked. (still think a year is excessive except in my case - I'm a bull in a china shop and deserve a long banishment)
>
> I'm named after my uncle who was shot down over Europe in WWII, another reason Memorial Day isn't my favorite. But all holidays, especially, the 3 day marathons, are painful. Next stop, July 4th. Nothing like being under attack by all the neighbors launching fireworks for two weeks.
>
> I'll shut up.

Oh, shut up.

:-)

You have helped me to feel less alone. Weird - two people who are feeling less alone because they are alone together.

Thanks.


- Scott

 

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