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Howzitgoing Deneb?

Posted by Kath on May 14, 2009, at 12:46:43

In reply to Maybe Jay can give you a few tips, posted by Bobby on May 14, 2009, at 8:15:30

>My Mom told me I wasn't successful today. She said I am not successful in life because I don't have a career or family. She said my aunt is not successful either because even though she has money, she does not have a husband.

~ ~ ~Deneb, I'm sorry your Mom says things like that to you. It's one thing to think them, but it's another to say them.

"I hate how my Mom makes me feel bad about stuff"

~ ~ ~ I've been told by various therapists, etc, that nobody can Make us feel a certain way. They can say things that result in us feeling a certain way. My husband had a friend who would say things that resulted in my H feeling badly. I encouraged him that when --- said something, "Take it as INFORMATION" only!
I think it would be a wonderful 'exercise' for you to try to develop a different way of 'hearing' your Mom.

For example:

Mom: "Deneb, you're not successful in your life because you aren't married."

Deneb: "Oh" (thinks 'hmm - my Mom THINKS I am not successful 'cuz I'm not married. Everyone has their own idea about things. I wish my Mom didn't think like that, but it's HER opinion & isn't necessarily true. I think I'll talk to my pdoc about it.') or something like that.

> and doesn't support me the way I need and want.

~ ~ ~ I'm sorry that she doesn't support you the way that you need & want, Deneb. It's hard when we don't get what we need from those we love.

>My Mom married when she was my age and had me when she was 29. She doesn't spend money on herself at all. I think she likes to see herself as a martyr.

~ ~ ~ It's too bad about the martyr thing. Who knows, maybe it's feeding her martyr-self viewing you as a failure! "Oh, yes. My daughter is such & such an age & isn't even married yet. Oh dear."

It's really about HER, in my opinion Deneb. And of course we want our parents to approve of us & of our actions. But SO many of us don't get that. I hope you can discuss all this with your pdoc.

I hope you have a lovely trip & LOTS of fun. And please know that there are lots of us who aren't there & I bet I'm not the only one who gets a nice smile on my face thinking of you making this major trip - having arranged it youself & going ahead with it! You Rock.

luv, Kath




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