Posted by Jay_BrAvEsT_FaCe on January 7, 2008, at 16:46:27
In reply to Re: I REALLY need your help...almost suicidal (**trigg, posted by Fivefires on January 7, 2008, at 16:06:14
> I've had rejection after rejection in one form or another fly at me for a few months now. About a week ago I finished either 'another nervous system breakdown' or 'major depressive episode'; no one knows what is going on with me .. no one really seems to care to delve into it, so I'm not sure what to call it. My body gave out. I couldn't do anything but lie in bed and have bad thoughts, eat a little. I've pulled out of it a bit now, but I think that was thanks to an increase in my anti-anxiety medication Jay. I'm not sure I'm on the right one; something to talk to Pdoc wen see again. I thought if anything ever happened to my Dad, I'd lose it. He's been gone since 2004 and I'm still here. Oddest thing; don't look at clock often, but when do, have seen 11:11 many, many times. Think he's telling me to hang on. So that's what I'm doing. I too don't have any real IL friends. The loneliness is bone-chilling I know. I understand so well how you feel. I don't own anything or have a permanent sig-other. People are getting sick of me being sick, but that's ignorance. Stay w/ us Jay.
> sincerely, 5f
I hope....truly...that you feel better. I know what it feels like to break the ice of anxiety. Believe me, I know of those days, glued into my bed, I can't come to the computer, not even read a newspaper or book because I am just an anxious mess. Too little energy, yet anxiety racing through me like a charging current.
I know my Dad and Mom will always be in my heart, and when they are gone, I need to keep them even somehow alive..in spirit...in whatever...and I have been listening to a song lately, Kite, by U2, which is about losing someone close, and relish the line
"I don't know, which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye"
I like that last line..."This is not goodbye". I've lately been trying to open my spirituality and even open to religion a bit, because I feel something very strong in the above. Just like your Dad may be saying something to you.
I want to be STRONGER because of all of this, and I think I will be. Something inside me, like a candle burning in the darkest night, is happening. I can control some of the extremes with medication (knock on wood), but there is little as empowering as surviving such loss and even rejection and coming out stronger. Thank you...and best wishes and hopes and dreams to you....