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Re: Always have to punish myself

Posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 18:09:35

In reply to Re: Always have to punish myself » Fivefires, posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 16:56:40

> Hi 5f. I was talking to my T the other day about how difficult I find it to talk to my own FOO; how I try so very hard to put on the right hat and be the right kind of sibling to each of them. The sister needs me to be bossed around and told what to do; one brother needs me to share his speed impediment (he starts to sputter and lose words, and I stutter in response); my other brother's wit is sharp and ironic, so I wrap myself up into knots trying to be clever and plan my words so he won't think I'm dull and uneducated.
>
> It's to the point where I don't dare pick up the phone to call them, and if they happen to see a blue moon and call me, I've been known to actually run from the room so that I won't have to talk to them on the phone.
>
> My T put her finger on the problem when she said that I wasn't able to be myself with my siblings,>

Oh my goodness. All I needed to do was hear it. This is soooo soooo true isn't it?

>and that my distress was in trying to make myself into what I thought each of them wanted me to be,>

Oh Yeah!

>and that I couldn't possibly succeed at being anybody but myself.>

Right. Why didn't I think of this? Ahh, yes, a good therapist just helped u2 open your eyes, and now you've helped me open mine to something which was right in front of me but couldn't see!

>Hence I run from the room, don't pick up the phone, don't write or email. Just sit and wish, pine really, that I was closer to my FOO than I am.>

Yes, there's this. But, maybe, if you are you, you will feel closer to them at some point. I hope maybe.

>It's about finding my identity and becoming happy with it. It scares the crap out of me that I'll never be able to do it>

But in telling me, I'm seeing you're already finding yourself able to do it.

>, and instead I'll be doomed to sputtering and stuttering and gasping for words with my brothers and sister, 'til the end of our days.>

Well I'll be here for you if you find yourself feeling like slipping up. Maybe we could be one another's FOO stand-ins for a while!

>Somehow, I think that it's not going to be that way.>

I think you may be right.

>And somehow, I think that you too are going to be able to move beyond that protection that your father gave you (as did mine, from my siblings) and you'll become your own champion for 5f.>

I do so want this. The other way is so stressful for me and hurts my own little family.

>Just as I'll become my own champion for ClearSkies, as incredible as it may sound right this moment.>
>
> But just as sure as we are noticing these things about ourselves, we are affecting a change in ourselves. It's inevitable. Just by noticing what we're doing, we're making it better. Don't doubt it for a second.>

Okay, I won't. Wow CS, you've been like angel#1 to me I think of the whole month!

>Just the very act of being aware of what we are doing is enough to make a change, however subtle. In this, we have to have faith, simple faith.>

This is what my daughter tells me too.

>This is what I have been told, and it's what I have seen to be true.>

Faith? Faith our actions are correct I guess.

> So - something good will come of this, 5f.>

I already feel empowered from what you've shared. You are so strong and so selfless. I'm so happy to know you.

>Because you noticed what you were doing.>

Yep, tks to this site, and because a friend shared her very important experience with me, which is a courageous thing to do btw. You've given me quite a wonderful gift here.

>take care, OK?

Ok!

> ClearSkies

Tks so much hon' for taking the time to share this today CS. The relief I'm feeling from the knowledge of this experience is already overwhelming! The constant standing up and falling down w/ FOO has been so hard on me and hence unfair to my little family.

Sincerely, 5f


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poster:Fivefires thread:784463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070827/msgs/784522.html