Posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:40:25
Well, I do know what to do, but that is what is scaring me :-( I have had a relapse and have been very, very depressed the past few weeks. Lots of SI, which I have never really experienced before. I had been on Lexapro for about 11 weeks (after 1.5 years on Paxil CR which was making me sluggish and blah and it didn't seem to be helping anymore so I raised Lexapro with my pdoc and he thought it was a good idea) and thought I was doing well, but I guess not. So, my doctor put me back on Paxil (but the regular this time) and for well over two weeks all I could think about was wanting to die. The thoughts would just come into my head and it has scared the crap out of me. And, to top it off, I got a stomach virus on Thursday and threw up and had diarrhea starting at about 4 a.m. lasting almost all day. Couldn't even keep a glass of water down.
I think I want to go to the hospital, but am afraid of the repurcussions. You see, I am 45 and have always been very independent and have always been the one to take care of everybody else. Anyway, I told me mom that I might go to the hospital because I have been feeling so down (didn't go into too much detail because I get the lecture that there are people out there who are truly suffering or she starts in about herself and all the misery she has been through, etc.) and she said she wouldn't visit me because she would never step foot in another psych ward again (my sister-in-law was [I say was because she took her own life) schizophrenic and my mom had to take her to the hospital a number of time. I am afraid that my family will disown me if I go. I am afraid my pdoc will fire me if I go. I am just so afraid.
Don't know why I am posting this. I just needed to tell someone. It's hard to talk to my family and friends about this because they have never seen me like this before. I need to rest and heal and feel "normal" again. But, what if I never feel "normal" again? Maybe this is it for me.