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Re: I'm really upset » Deneb

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 30, 2006, at 9:09:49

In reply to Re: I'm really upset » Lindenblüte, posted by Deneb on November 30, 2006, at 1:37:32

> That's a good idea. I'll take note of things I've written.
>
> > It can be difficult in written correspondence. But it's fairly obvious in face to face communication. When sending e-mails, letters, and text messages you can have no way of knowing whether your conversational partner even GOT your message. You have no way of knowing whether they are actively ignoring you and dumping all your correspondence into the garbage. You have no way of distinguishing a delay that occurs because of accidental loss of mail, actively ignoring you, or merely being too preoccupied to respond.
>
> Thanks for reminding me of that. It's easy to get impatient sometimes, but I've probably lost track of a few e-mails before, with no intention of ignoring someone.
>
> > > I just don't learn. I post threats impulsively. They never lead to any good.
> >
> > Deneb, everyone is going to slip up from time to time. A lot of psycho-babble posts are probably impulsive. That's okay. Please try to understand how much it hurts ME when I see you threaten to harm yourself because of miscommunication or disagreement. You are very dear to me, and I don't want you to do anything to yourself. I know you hurt sometimes. That is very natural, very human. Racer is right- there are ways to communicate this without threats of hurting yourself.
>
> ((((((((((((Li)))))))))))))
> ((((((((((((anyone I've hurt))))))))))))))
>
> I will try to remember how much it hurts others. I really need to step outside of myself sometimes. I need to learn to empathize more.

I think you do pretty well, actually. You ARE empathetic, and you're learning more and more, which is really good! You've been very civil over the last few months. Maybe you've slipped up here or there, but you've always tried to learn from it. That's the best you can do, so keep doing what you're doing. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty, I just wanted you to have a tangible reminder that people care about you (even ONLINE people care about you). It's very easy to lose sight of this when we are feeling low, or desperate, or when someone has hurt us.

You have many positive relationships. If you take a few moments to think about all the people that you care for- (parents, friends, online friends, doctors, relatives, Dr. Bob) then you can strengthen your memory of good, supportive relationships. It's important to have strong memories, so that when someone hurts you you will be able to remember all the other people who aren't hurting you. It makes you more resilient, and helps you feel more confident.
>
> > It's okay Deneb. Therapy takes time. Can you tell us a little more about what you discuss in therapy? Do you discuss practical coping strategies? Do you talk about your childhood? Do you talk about how things that you learned as a child may be affecting how you think and behave as an adult?
>
> Recently we've been talking about setting up realistic study schedules. We also talk about how I feel before I "binge" or purge. We don't really talk about my childhood. We just have time to talk about the problems I have currently. I think we do some cognitive therapy type stuff. I'm not very good at therapy. I usually don't know what I'm feeling or thinking.

Yeah, I usually don't know what I'm feeling either. Sometimes I'm able to tell because I'm around other people and I can mirror their expressions. Other times I don't even realize that I'm having an emotion until it's totally bubbled over. Yet, I'm sensitive to my moods. Isn't that funny? how I can recognize a mood, but not a more immediate feeling? I'm trying to get into the habit of saying (to myself).
I am happy. Doing ____ makes me happy.
I feel bad. I started feeling bad when I was doing ____. I feel (angry/ scared/ frustrated/ outraged/ disappointed/ anxious/ sick/ afraid)

It's hard though.

One of the ways that I'm learning to deal with unpleasant events of my childhood is by retelling the history to my T, and I can see her reaction, and often it's shock or sadness or anger, or something, and that helps me figure out how *I* feel about this little story that seems completely unemotional to me. I even start laughing sometimes when I'm talking about someone close to me and their brush with death- a lot of ironic fake emotional displays, because the real feelings are just so painful. I might start crying or something, and that is not my favorite thing to do. I'd rather appear like I've got it all figured out. (if only...!)

oh well. Maybe you can start to work on this emotion stuff too. Study schedule is good. cognitive work is important for getting a grip on procrastination issues. I've been listening to the iProcrastinate podcasts from a group of research psychologists in canada.

cognitively there are a couple biases I have to overcome. Maybe you have them too?

I'm going to post these in Students.

have a happy Thursday, Deneb*
-Li


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