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Re: I'm really upset » Deneb

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 29, 2006, at 8:22:39

In reply to Re: I'm really upset » Racer, posted by Deneb on November 29, 2006, at 1:32:43

> > You know me, as far as I'm concerned EVERYONE is entitled to my own opinion, right? Anyway, I wanted to say that if you find writing about what you're feeling/thinking helpful, then it's a good thing to do. It is {ahem} a coping skill... Have you thought about writing a journal? Or even putting up a blog? You could write things there that might get you a PBC here. Might be helpful, or not, just a suggestion about another thing that you could try. IN ADDITION TO Babble, NOT in place of. (<<Wanted to get that clear...)
>
> I need people to hear what I have to say so a blog might be a good idea. I don't want to write about people behind their backs though. I think I want Babblers to read my blog so I'll have to make sure it is civil.

Maybe you can try writing down how you feel and what events made you feel this way. Take your journal to your T/Pdoc, and try to incorporate it into your discussions.
>
> > Yeah, being ignored is painful. Can you see that there's a difference between someone not answering you, and someone ignoring you? Or that someone might have personal reasons for not responding to you?
>
> If there is a difference I can't tell which is which when it happens.

It can be difficult in written correspondence. But it's fairly obvious in face to face communication. When sending e-mails, letters, and text messages you can have no way of knowing whether your conversational partner even GOT your message. You have no way of knowing whether they are actively ignoring you and dumping all your correspondence into the garbage. You have no way of distinguishing a delay that occurs because of accidental loss of mail, actively ignoring you, or merely being too preoccupied to respond.

If you find this aspect of correspondence really troubling, you have a few choices to make.

1) either you stop corresponding this way, and stick to face-to-face or telephone interactions.
2) you grow a thick skin and learn not to let delays in responding bother you.
3) you only communicate with people who you trust to respond in a timely manner and/or people who are very unlikely to actively ignore you.

Remeber, we humans evolved to communicate with all of our senses. Speech, body language, smell even. This reading and writing thing is a very recent innovation.

>
> > Several weeks later, she finally responded, telling me that she was going through a rough time, and just generally not communicative, but was not upset with me.
>
> You wrote that you ignored me, so you were not upset with me?
>
> > This next is something I've tried to say to you in the past. You don't have to threaten suicide to let people know you're upset. You can say, "I'm very upset right now," and most people here understand that that is NOT a meaningless statement. Most of us have been very upset ourselves, we know how painful it is, and we respect others who are experiencing that sort of pain. You do not have to up the ante by threatening suicide.
>
> I just don't learn. I post threats impulsively. They never lead to any good.

Deneb, everyone is going to slip up from time to time. A lot of psycho-babble posts are probably impulsive. That's okay. Please try to understand how much it hurts ME when I see you threaten to harm yourself because of miscommunication or disagreement. You are very dear to me, and I don't want you to do anything to yourself. I know you hurt sometimes. That is very natural, very human. Racer is right- there are ways to communicate this without threats of hurting yourself.

>
> > No one is suggesting that you need to change who you are, Deneb. People are suggesting that you might feel less pain, if you learned some new skills. It's kinda like taking a class to learn a new computer program -- it's about learning skills. That's all. The change you would make in therapy is to become a Deneb who knows more ways to cope with unpleasantness, and that's not a bad thing, is it?
>
> I'm already getting therapy from my pdoc. I told my pdoc that people wanted me to see a T and she told me I'm already seeing a T, her. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. I'm already learning how to cope in therapy, I just don't get it yet.

It's okay Deneb. Therapy takes time. Can you tell us a little more about what you discuss in therapy? Do you discuss practical coping strategies? Do you talk about your childhood? Do you talk about how things that you learned as a child may be affecting how you think and behave as an adult?

I think you DO get it. Sometimes it's hard to make ourselves do the "therapist recommended" coping behavior, because we've learned another coping behavior in the meanwhile. (One example might be your binging/purging). If we think about your b/p as a coping behavior, what are you trying to fix? What kind of mental pain leads to do engage in that particular coping behavior? How can we get to the root of the pain, rather than just abolishing the symptom of it?

I have to get ready for school now. I hope you have a good day today Deneb :)

your friend,
Li


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