Posted by corafree on September 3, 2006, at 18:50:23
I've tried to 'off myself' more times than my bad memory can remember.
I've done 'very good' and 'very bad' things in my life. I've been on my knees crying for forgiveness and praying.
I'm re-writing this as my computer is AFU and now it's not going to be as good a post as I would have hoped for, ... yeah, negativity.
I've helped/seen w/ my love, my grandparents and father, through to the ends of their earthly lives. I've given birth to three wonderful children. I've loved very much and a lot. I've lost. I've taken what wasn't mine. I've had an abortion.
Is this a dead end that I'm at or is it a crossroads? Having some faith I'm leaning towards crossroads.
After the lifting of my depression a few months back and some etceteras, I believe in miracles. But then physical illnesses rose to the surface, so I wonder was it a trade-off.
Did I say I felt 'like New Orleans'?
The cheerleader, homecomingqueen, popular, pretty, 'SWEET'(really) girl ... devasted by hurricane 'Mentallyill' ... now alone, on SSD, old car trouble, renting, owning put-together furniture, jaded(?) or borderline(?) open-mouth-insert-foot type personality, affording only dialup. It was such a long period of time. There has been so much devastation.
Here I'm down on my knees whaling this morning again asking for a miracle. I suggested, 'to need love and receive love' once again, or, a purpose to keep the tiny bit of self-esteem I have left intact. I said 'I think I'll see it when it happens'.
So, this is why I'm asking, 'WHY am I, STILL?
Does everyone realize how special they are? (I don't know what made me say that.)
A man who goes to churches and 'sees people's illnesses and heals them' wants to talk to me (yeah, really).
Now I'm getting too sick to my stomach to stay online. I've been talking w/ my ISP and I guess McA*ee is messing w/ my settings and that's why my incoming mail isn't coming in.
(Oh, if anyone thinks 'my beliefs are way out there', that's fine, I'd still love to hear from you. And, why did I say that?)
love, cf
poster:corafree
thread:682801
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060901/msgs/682801.html