Posted by llrrrpp on June 17, 2006, at 21:31:33
In reply to Re: countdown to bedtime » llrrrpp, posted by MidnightBlue on June 17, 2006, at 21:03:18
Oh MB, I do enjoy ice cream, but it's rich, and i eat too much, and then i feel pretty yucky. I like coffee ice cream, cookies and cream, coconut, and cookie dough ice cream
51 minutes to go til i get ready for bed
please eat some ice cream for me.
I'm in bad shape. I'm scared of me. I'm still on this side of safe, though. cried enough today. drank enough to take the edge off, but not enough to release my desparation. chewing my cuticles, yes, but not cutting my arm. (it's off-limits tonight)
46 minutes to go.
I'm stressed out. thinking about everything I have to do next week. refinancing my student loans, making last-minute vacation reservations, calling up my relatives (calling my DAD...), homework, real work, dentist.
REally hoping my cracked tooth won't abcess before I can get it looked at. I'm going to send pdoc an email to see if there are any painkillers that are acceptable with current state of insanity/medication
Really hoping that I can make it 44 more minutes.
gonna go look at kittens now. better than looking @ rotten stuff.
I wish roommate weren't here. I want to be alone. I'm scared to be alone. I want to be alone. I'm so sorry to keep typing and typing. I'm really concerned that if I take my fingers off the keyboard they will grab something sharp and go to work on some area of flesh. One cannot protect everything, one can only protect by removing ability to act. inhibition. once failed, then mechanical barriers can be implemented. but cutting is anti social. If i stay in common area of apartment, I will not cut myself. If i'm in view of roommate (watching TV on the couch) I will behave myself. Must stay within view. That's a strategy. Funny how I'd let myself down in a heartbeat, but these silly social conventions prevent me from acting on my intentions. knives and razors and pushpins and all kinds of sharp edges, all over the place. but as long as I keep typing, they will not find their way into my hands. I don't want to disappoint Falls, or roomate, or curtm or husband, or happyflower, or elaine, or deneb, or anyother kind people- don't feel sad if I left you out. I have very very bad memory. they don't want me to bleed. Idon't understand why *I* want me to bleed. oh well. trying to protect myself, maybe? from myself?
trying to take out anger? on my skin? rather than taking my life? i don't know
now there's a problem- the TV is triggering me. Court TV show about 2 boys who plotted and committed violent acts to their families. homocide, torture.
now what? Do i go in my room? turn on my new white noise machine, get to work on drawing blood? Do i stay here listening to my blood pressure rising? lose-lose.
I'm going into my room. going to find a magazine to read. something. AAAh :(