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Re: Dr. Bob, where would be a good place to... NikkiT2

Posted by Deneb on March 3, 2006, at 17:42:51

In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, where would be a good place to... Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on March 3, 2006, at 17:04:31

> OK, sorry.. I shouldn't have used the word "current".
>
> Deneb, you do accept that I know stuff about BPD?

I'm sure you know lots of stuff about BPD. I'm still not 100% sure whether or not I really have BPD. It's really hard to know because nothing bad happened to me as a child. Seriously. No abuse, no nothing. There was some yelling, but I don't even remember being punished for anything.

>One thing I do *really* know is that attachment issues can be very strong, and ultimately very painful.. When the object of your attachment doesn't live up to your ideals you can end up so very very hurt.

I have major problems with attachment. I don't attach to people. I think maybe it's because my Mom didn't provide me with a feeling of security when I was little. Even with my ex boyfriend, I don't think I ever really loved or cared about him at all. I left him just like that and I broke his heart. He was my only boyfriend ever.

I also don't have any close friends...none at all. I just don't attach to people. I attach to "things"....like a stuffed toy or a hamster.

I think my attachment to Dr. Bob falls into the category as "things" I'm attached to.

The only reason why I'm attached to him is because he doesn't interact with me. If one day he just started talking to me like a regular person, I don't think I would be attached anymore.

This is why I don't think I would be hurt by being attached to Dr. Bob. So far Dr. Bob has ignored me on almost everything and I don't not like him because of it.

>
> This is why I think you really do need to discuss this with your Pdoc. She needs to be able to understand your feelings for Dr Bob incase you get badly hurt by them in the future.

I forget whether or not my pdoc knows that I "love" Dr. Bob, so I'll mention it.

> Does she know about PB and your attachment to PB? It worries that if she doesn't, you wouldn't be able to explain how important it is to you should it upset in the future. You have posted some posts recently abouthow you wouldn't be able to survive another block, and that even the thought of it happening has had you in tears. Again, I think feelings of this kind of strength are something your pdoc really does need to be aware of.

My pdoc knows...oh yes, she knows alright. She was there when I got my first block. That was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me...even more than Hammie dying. She saw me crying, she heard my death threats, she knew about me buying a rope. She cut the session down to about 5 mins that day instead of the usual 45 mins. I don't know why she did that...maybe she didn't want to see me in such a state.

> I would really reccomend reading "I hate you don't leave me" as a book to understanding more about BPD, especially attachment and black and white thinking... Its not sugar coated, and quite blunt in places, but helped me *hugely*.

Thanks for the recommendation. I will check to see if it's in the library one of these days.

Deneb


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