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Posted by Shame on February 22, 2006, at 16:23:07

I hurt today. It has always been there, at the edge of my awareness, but today it has decided to take me for its own. People move around me participating in life, and I sit here and think about clawing my sickness from my body. Maybe I can hurt it as badly as it hurts me.

It's obvious that I refuse to accept that it's my own body doing this to me, and not some malicious entity. It's easier to do battle with something that is inside of you, rather than realizing it's actually you that are the enemy. Even as I sit here and rationalize it, some part of me rejects it as being just too hard to take.

I wish I had a support group, or someone that understood what I go through. Or a friend. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Someone that actually cares about who you are and what's happening to you. Me? I've showed up at people's houses to help them move, when all I wanted to do was lay down and die; helped someone hook up their hot tub while carrying a burden of grief so heavy that I could hardly speak. I put forth the effort without complaint, like there was no place I would rather be, and without showing how I am. On the rare occasions when I am invited somewhere, I go. When I make invitations of my own, I get unanswered calls, silence, or an uncomfortable no. It's odd. When I was in high school I was described as 'rakish' and 'funny'. I've always been quiet, but I always had friends. Now that I'm an adult and in another state, after 5 years of trying I have no one.

Is it the way I look? The way I dress? My behavior? Am I uninteresting? Are they laughing at me or with me? Can they smell the grief? See my desperation to make a connection with someone? Maybe they have enough friends, and one more would be too many.

So many familiar faces, and none of them searching for me. That in itself is embarrasing. The fact that they are able to look right through me... that evokes a mixture of terror and sadness that is hard to explain.

At least I have my pills.




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