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Epic post for the after 3:am'ers

Posted by James K on February 8, 2006, at 4:07:14

This post combines so many different subjects, social is the only place for it.
Today, my wife admitted to me that she is fully aware that as soon as I complete my upcoming (Friday) Lasik eye surgery, and follow up, I am going to f*ck up big time. This is rare putting the truth right out in the open stuff. There is much history. When her brother was dying, and I was in a depression, I assured her everything was cool, and I would be fine with her out of town while she did what she had to do. I took care of myself and the house and the cats and work and everything was cool. (some of you may be thinking what a lazy good for nothing dependent whatever etc., guilty as charged. I do the best I can.) But I told one of my good friend/bosses at work, that I was only hanging on because I couldn't hurt my loved one while she was dealing with so much. Not on purpose, but soon after all that was over, I almost died.

When she had cancer, and I had a chronic diagnosis, I did what I had to do, and stood up and worked all day and spent all evening in the hospital and took no breaks or sympathy from anyone. The day the positive diagnosis came through, I took the phone call at work and asked to leave early. The day she had the surgery I took a day off and spent all day there. Her daughters showed up for a short time. I went back to work the next day. I helped customers and whatever, and almost nobody knew. Again, somewhat later I ended up in the hospital. I don't remember any of this.

Now, there is nothing wrong. I'm just mentally ill. I'm depressed so bad. I'm drinking some, but actually much less than most of my life. But my tolerance is insane high. If any of you have followed my recent history, things have gone weird. I always know when things are going real bad, and I've always committed some horrible act to stop the train. But I committed the horrible act two weeks ago, and nothing stopped.

Now my wife tells me she knows it's coming, and I know it's coming. And I might be scared. How I can I spend thousands of dollars on eye surgery right now. Just to give me something to hang on to for another week? Can I stop the inevitable?

I love her. There are only three people in my life, my little sister, my best friend, and my wife. and she is number one. She knows it's coming and she can't do a damn thing about it. If anyone tells me to do something I might not, or I might do it to a ridiculous extreme. She told me she has given up making suggestions, because the result hasn't always turned out the best. She will answer Questions. I asked her should i go into a hospital, she said yes, I asked her does she remember other times, she says yes. she knows this is one of those as soon as I take care of current business I will go way out there. What can we do?

I don't know where to sign into. some people here have helped me. How can someone who wants to die and/or destroy make the proper decisions. Saying I want to live and will take steps to do so, just because you recognize you recognize that maybe you feel differently isn't proper motivation.

I met my wife in my first treatment way back when. she is older than me. She was leaving an abusive long term husband. I was fighting suicide and alcoholism. We became friends with some other inmates after the fact, and then more happened. I left the halfway house I was living in and took out the rest of my money and bought some books and some boooze and checked into a 20 dollar a night hotel. I was going to go out hard. this was about 13 years ago. Real death trip stuff. She had promised me a homecooked meal and I somehow remembered and showed up and never left.

She has never left me physically or emotionally. We were both done. anything that happened next was a fresh start. How can I do wrong? I don't beat her up. That is a hard standard to live up to. Don't beat her up and I'm a hero. Beat up her ex. (I didn't, but I helped her move her stuff then almost gave his whole damn family heart attacks with phone calls.) I have to do right because I am good and it is right. I can get away with anything. So I work, as does she, and I suffer sickness mental and physical, as has she, and lately I'm the one who is f*cked up. She has improved faster than me. I want one last time to get it right.

I have to get to the help before I f*ck up big. and I have to make it work forever this time.

The gd'ed newspaper just hit the fence, and she is going to wake up and see me awake and drunk and worry her *ss off all day at work, but know she is probably okay until Wednesday or something. I'm f*cking up.

James K


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poster:James K thread:607428
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060203/msgs/607428.html