Posted by Tamar on October 29, 2005, at 18:38:27
In reply to Going back.. (7 July related, so could be trigger), posted by NikkiT2 on October 29, 2005, at 17:58:04
> Tonight wa sthe first time I returned to Edgware Road since the 7th July..
> I've been through the tube station, I've even changed tubes there, but tonight was the first time I have walked out of the station, and past where I was that day.. And it all came flooding back..(((((Nikki)))))
> I thought I had dealt with it.. I thought the images and smells had faded.. but they all rushed back tonight.. and we got lost and ended up walking past there 3 times.. I couldn't face it the 4th time and so paid for a taxi home.
>
> It shocked me in a way.. I really thought it was all past me now. But I also realised I still haven't cried over it.Sometimes the shock lasts a long time…
> On Tuesday afternoon there is a memorial service in St pauls, which is being relayed to Trafalgar Square on big screens, so I will be going along, and hopefully I will heal a little bit more. But tonight I am being haunted by one of the images.. one tiny part of the images..
Being haunted by an image is hard. It’s so difficult to get it out of your mind. Sometimes you have to sit with it (if you can bear to), think the thoughts that come, and feel the feelings. If that sounds too scary and you can’t allow yourself to ‘see’ the image at the moment, do you think you’ll be able to do it at St Paul’s, or at Trafalgar Sq, if that’s where you’re going?
> I want to cry.. My nose stings, my eyes water.. but there is something in me that seems to prevent me actually crying. The insides of my lips are bleeding where I have bitten and chewed them so hard tonight.
Crying can be very symbolic. And it’s hard to start, especially if there’s a fear that once you start you won’t be able to stop.
> I guess 4 months isn't actiually all that long, but it has felt like a life time, so the feelings have taken me by suprise.It really is a trauma. You can’t expect to just ‘get over it’. It takes time.
> I'm rambling.. but needed to get it out, as the husband just doesn't understand.. I'm tired, so very tired, which isn't helping me.. How do I make it stop? How do I lay those images to rest?In my view, the key is to talk about the images and say out loud what exactly you find so disturbing. I remember a news story a few years ago about a little girl who was killed by her father and step-mother. I don’t know what it was about that particular story among all the horrific stories on the news over the years that caught my attention, but there was one detail that I just couldn’t stop thinking about. I had to find ways of thinking, writing and talking about that detail before I could let it go. (But I still cry when I think about it.)
It takes time. And it hurts. If it helps to talk about it here in detail, then we can listen. I really think that when images are haunting you it helps to be able to say exactly what it is and why it’s so painful. But it’s up to you… no pressure!
I hope you find the memorial service healing.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:573129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051029/msgs/573140.html