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Re: just existing... » sunny10

Posted by AuntieMel on March 14, 2005, at 15:34:01

In reply to Re: just existing..., posted by sunny10 on March 12, 2005, at 7:55:41

Sorry - I thought I answered this. {brain f*rt}

>
> the cash in pocket thing is harder. He eschews credit/debit cards, and has always gone the way of cash and carry, so I can't even THINK of a rational way to ask him to NOT have cash in his pocket. Part of his pay is in cash, for instance.
>
> he has also been a "victim" of gold-digging females so HE has a trust issue regarding co-mingling of funds, much less giving over control of it to me for the sake of quitting.
>

Well, then that is a tough one. His success does depend on his commitment, though, and having cash is one of the biggest temptations.

Maybe if he could agree just to not carry it - and to keep it in his box?


> Will that come within any reasonable amount of time with his pride such that he won't even talk about it?

Yes, and don't take it to heart that he doesn't talk about it (more on this in a minute)


>It's that pride thing you mentioned... I asked him to talk to me about how hard it is to say no everyday when his co-workers are snorting in the bathroom and when they ask him if he wants to buy some, et cetera, because I told him that I wanted to be able to help in the only way I could- by listening to him so he could vent his frustrations. He agreed to do it at the time, but hasn't said a thing since... this was a month and a half ago.
>
> And that, of course, is why I feel that he ISN'T saying "no" at all....


That is why AA says to get a sponsor. It is nearly impossible for *anyone* to explain it to someone who hasn't been through it. Male, female, young, old, independent, needy - it doesn't matter. If you're with someone who's been through it so much of it is understood already no explaining is necessary.


> How do you get a proud man to communicate "feelings", anyway???
>

You can't. For sure not when he's still in the active using stage.

> I am becoming exceedingly angry with myself for even caring WHAT he does. But, then, I love him, so OF COURSE I care what he does to himself! It's a conundrum...

That's mostly outward anger turned inward.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Break the pattern of the way things are now. Put down some boundaries that you need.

Don't ask for the world, just what you need right now. Like honesty. Honesty doesn't mean he should tell you what he's feeling, just that he doesn't lie.

Fellings and addiction can't really be used in the same sentance, you know. An active user *has* no real feelings. They are what the song says 'comfortably numb.'


> We are in a lease for another year and five months. Do I try to make the relationship work out for the long run, or do I just try to convince myself that he doesn't matter to me and just decide to ignore him and last through the lease?
>

You say you love him, right? In my opinion it's too soon to give up on him.

But - remember that he'll have to do it on his own time and nothing you do can change that.

You didn't make him. You didn't break him. And you darn sure can't fix him.

> I think that I wouldn't even be thinking along those lines if he would just be willing to let go of a bit of that pride so that we could at least TALK about what is going on. But even that sentence isn't good news, is it? It is co-dependent to even say "if he/she would only (fill in the blank) then I/we (fill in the blank).
>

Again - if you can stick to the facts and not ask him for feelings you might have a getter shot at talking.

> Or have I just been doing too much reading and projecting stuff onto myself??? Am I just making all of tis harder than itneeds to be? Or is it really this hard but will work out?
>

All of the above. smile.

 

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poster:AuntieMel thread:469243
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