Posted by AuntieMel on March 11, 2005, at 10:46:15
In reply to Re: just existing... » Toph, posted by sunny10 on March 11, 2005, at 8:35:19
> as I have been "abandoned" so many times, it DOES feel like everyone can't deal with me; that I am someone that no one actually wants to be with.
>That is something to look at. I don't know much about your past, but maybe you are somehow attracted to people that can't truly be there?
The family lady says 'your picker's broke' in that case.
Of course, it could just *seem* that way right now when you're in the middle of turmoil.
> I feel that he will ultimately choose drugs over me. And I know that if I ACT like a b*tch that he should leave- he will. A self-fullfilling prophecy at that point. So I am expanding great portions of energy fighting this feeling; hiding exactly how paranoid I am inside.
>Don't fight the feeling. Those feelings are boringly normal for people in your situation. Accept the feeling as valid and then work on making it feel better.
Nobody willingly chooses the drugs, but addiction is a powerful thing. It takes a full time commitment to get on the right road.
> Will I ever stop feeling paranoid? Will I ever even be able to "be sure" that he has stopped? CAN anyone actually overcome psychological addictions like cocaine which doesn't leave a chemical imprint for any longer than three days? Because he has gone more than three days without doing it only to do it again in a month...In order: Yes, no and yes. You can quit being paranoid. You can never 'be sure' he's quit for good - a really nice lady just went through the iop who had 23 years of sobriety and relapsed. It can happen. But you *can* learn not to live in fear of it.
Cocaine doesn't leave a trail in the blood for more than three days, but it takes a lot longer to work it out of the system. I've heard there are still residuals in muscle tissue, bone marrow, etc, that can take years to get out.
Paranoia? One thing you can learn (as has my family) that relapses do occur. It is only a failure if the person gives up and quits trying. My hubby says that he wouldn't be a bit surprised if I relapsed, but the only thing that would make him mad is if I started lying and denying.
Can it be 'cured?' No. But it can be put at bay. There's a guy in our group that had failed rehab several times - a crackhead to fit all stereotypes - ghetto, guns, the whole bit. He's got more clean time than me.
>
> Am I crazy for believing that the relationship will last any longer than the year and five months left on our lease? He says "yes", he says that he doesn't want to do the drugs anymore because his body is getting older and his health is becoming affected (sinus infections, loss of nasal tissue, inability to "snap back" after a coke binge, et cetera). And that he knows I am concerned for his health and our future. And that he doesn't want his money going up his nose...Ask him if he's willing to turn the money over to you to help him resist. It's so hard to resist with cash in your pocket. Tell him you're on his side and want to help - and if he asks you for control back in a sober moment you will give it back.
>
> Do I believe him? Can I afford to believe him? Am I a control freak because I don't want him to take "recreational drugs" in our house where my son could come upon him sniffing it up his nose (not to mention the health issues- do I want to plan a future with someone who may decide to "do just a little bit more this time" and die of a heart attack or stroke)? Is all of this MY issue and none of it his?Two issues. First - do you believe him. YES!!!! No addict wants to go on. But it isn't a matter of wanting, completely. The hardest thing to get through an addicts head is that it is *not* just a matter of willpower, and it is *not* a defect of character. The twelve steps don't all start with "we" for no reason. It *does* require that he's honest with himself and others and that he not be too proud to ask for help.
Hard to think of addicts as proud, but it's true.
He needs to get it through his head - to use an AA cliche - that his best thinking put him there and he needs to give that up and trust others.
The other issue is your son. I don't know how old he is, but it doesn't really matter. Kids of all ages - even before they can talk - can sense that something isn't right. There needs to be an age appropriate level of honesty there, too. If you tell him things are 'ok' he'll grow up thinking this is normal. You can say sick or something like that, but not 'ok.'
>
> I am just soooooo overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, I feel justified in wanting him to quit; because he says he wants to also, but on the other hand, I am concerned that after being controlled by others for so long that maybe now I'M the control freak.... I don't know what to think or which direction to turn.You have a right to not want to live with an active addict, but if you want to help him get well, don't try to control. It won't work anyway. Work on yourself so you are strong enough to be of help when he needs it.
I highly recommend "The Language of Letting Go" for you. It's daily meditations for families of addicts.
poster:AuntieMel
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/469665.html