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Re: AngelGirl and Susan47 » sunny10

Posted by Angel Girl on February 1, 2005, at 15:25:39

In reply to AngelGirl and Susan47, posted by sunny10 on February 1, 2005, at 12:41:07

sunny

Respect for me? That boggles my mind to be sure. I agree with most of what you said or maybe all of it, I'm not sure but I have problems with it too.

1. Me intelligent? Hardly. The rest of you can talk circles around me on any subject any day of the week. I feel so stupid when I read some threads or poetry and I don't understand it. Words are used that I have no clue as to what they mean, let alone even seeing them before. It leads me to feel inferior. It's not anybody's fault that I feel that way, it's just the way it is. I guess my vocabulary is far more limited. I'm embarrassed that I don't know the words and their meanings and I don't live in a small little hick town either, I live in one of the largest cities in the world. This is the first time I think I've ever admitted all this and here I'm doing it on an open forum. God, I must feel gutsy today yet vulnerable at the same time.

2. Respect? I don't think I've done anything here to earn anybody's respect. I'm always dumping my depression on everybody because I don't know what to do with it. I caused a huge fracas on Admin that spread over 3 different boards. It caused others much pain and yes, I do have guilt for that, even though I've been told I shouldn't.

3. Then Atticus leaves. Why, indirectly because of me. He came to my rescue, so did a lot of others, it made me feel good but Atticus couldn't let it go. He had to keep up the fight, his fight went in a different direction. I know he's done this in the past, I've been told by him and by others BUT this time it started because of ME. So, yes the guilt is there, even though several people, including Atticus have told me that it's not my fault. But the end result was he needed a break to regroup. That in itself made me feel guilty and then I wondered would his friends here be upset/angry/whatever with me and blame me for Atticus needing to leave to get himself in a better place. I blamed myself again. I didn't know if I should even stay. I was nervous, extremely nervous. Would I still be accepted because Atticus indirectly found it necessary to leave because of me? Of course, nobody is going to tell me that outright, because that would be considered uncivil but my thought processes tell me that and the guilt is still there. I wear guilt very easily like it's a badge. So, I wonder why have I earned anybody's respect? I'm not expecting nor really want an answer to that question. I'm not baiting you or anyone else. Atticus, if you're reading this, this is not about you, it's about me and me alone. I know you weren't abandoning me. I trust you.

Yes, I agree with what you say as to how we are brought up and the way society treats women vs men. You don't have to look far to see that but why has it gone on for so many years. If women are supposed to be more resilient (not me, I'm fragile) then why haven't we done something about it?

Women have been trying for equal pay for years but has it happened? Maybe they've changed Canadian laws that state that we must get equal pay but I don't see it happening. I'm on disability but when I was working, my pay SUCKED BIG TIME. I was making far less than what even my job was worth in the marketplace, even compared to other women, nevermind men, but did they raise my pay? Barely. It would be too much to give me at one time they told me. It would take 5 f*cking years but then I got sicker and went on disability. So, now the raises have stopped, I fall further behind and my disability is a percentage of what my pay was when I started my disability. So, how many f*cking years is it going to take now and that's if and when I'm ever well enough to go back. It's certainly not in the forseeable (sp?) future. So, you're probably thinking why didn't I get a different job that would pay me more. At the *best* of times I'm not good at selling myself in interviews but with my illness, it's virtually impossible and now I can't even work at all.

And what about movies? What if I want to see full frontal nudity of men? How am I supposed to change that? I could rent a porno I suppose but that is not what I want. I don't want to see a man naked in a movie just for that alone. I want a *real* movie with a *real* plot*.

Yes, I do have great love for others but for myself the rules are different. Why? Because I've been abused, emotionally and physically and then top that off with sexual molestation and attempted rape. My parents never once have told me that they love me, not once. I've been abandoned more times than I can count. I've been treated like the dirt that we all walk on. I've been crushed. I'm wounded, I'm vulnerable and I lack trust, especially of men. It's very, very hard for me to let anyone in my heart now. When I came back to PB, I had built walls around me to protect myself from hurt, it inevitably happens but when so many came to my defense, the bricks started falling, one by one, I couldn't stop them, the walls had totally collapsed. Y'all did that to me, you got through in spite of my trying for that not to happen. Now, once again I feel very vulnerable. I'm waiting for the hurt. It always comes. I'm not putting anybody down that is here or that came to my defense. I'm only talking about myself.

For once in my life, I would love for somebody to hold me in their arms and tell me they love me and actually mean it. I'm so tired of being abandoned, unloved and abused by so many in my life.

So yes, I do have a great love for others, I know their pain because I live their pain. I don't want anybody else to hurt like I hurt. I want to make them all better. And when and if I should happen to inadvertantly hurt someone else, it crushes me. That is the most unbearable pain of all, that I could cause anyone else to feel hurt. I can hardly live with myself with the mere thought that I was capable of even doing that.

Ok, I'm in tears and I'm sure this is far from the reply you were even looking for and I probably vered (sp?, God I feel stupid) off-topic, I don't know, I do that a lot, I ramble, I digress and sometimes I lose sight of what I was even supposed to be talking about.

I hope I haven't hurt you or anybody else with my reply. It was not my intention whatsoever. If I did, I'm deeply, deeply sorry!!! Yes, another thing I do so well, is constantly say *I'm sorry* because once again I blame myself and pile on even more guilt.

Anyway, thanks for your compliments even if I can't see them myself.

AG

> We feel this way because we were TAUGHT to feel this way. And, worse still, we were taught to take care of everyone else. We are taught, still, in 2005, that women are less than men. The media teaches us this- it's not morally wrong to see full frontal female nudity in a rater "R" movie, but it is to see male! And every TV ad is sold by a beautiful woman( if a male is even IN an ad, he doesn't have to be gorgeous- and he also doesn't have to be only half-dressed). We are "free bait". Our bosses teach us this when they pay a man more to do the same job we do.
>
> And we are still being brought up by our mothers and fathers with THEIR parents values, and so on.
>
> Now, take all of THAT and add on the fact that we had other, unusual, circumstances that led us to depression.
>
> Yes, we have a tough row to hoe. But, guess what? We are also the more resilient of God's creatures! If men had to bear the children we would have been extinct! Even my SO thinks so- he KNOWS he bears a lot less burden being a male.
>
> We are strong. Our conversations here show intelligence, too. And we obviously have love in our hearts.
>
> So the part we need to practice is loving ourselves IN SPITE of the lessons that have been taught to us.
>
> Get mad at those lessons. You know they are grossly unfair. You know that what we have been through in life is grossly unfair. Get mad- get proactive. Decide to live your life how YOU want to live it BECAUSE society acts like it couldn't care less. Tell yourself to do exactly the kinds of things for yourself that you tell your friends and relatives to do for themselves. They are no better than you- you were just brought up to THINK that they were. But, guess what, they were brought up by the same society which is why you have to tell THEM to be nice to themselves.
>
> I have great love and respect for both of you.
>
> -sunny10


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poster:Angel Girl thread:451037
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050128/msgs/451111.html