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Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger** » Angel Girl

Posted by Atticus on January 12, 2005, at 21:30:19

In reply to Re: What's so wrong with me? **possible trigger**, posted by Angel Girl on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:28

I certainly don't agree with pre-illness friends deserting people, and in a thread above, I'm sorting out how to handle the fact that virtually everyone at work now knows I'm bipolar because of someone in personnel with loose lips who appears to have told practically the entire campus during my recent two-month disability leave.
But I do remember how freaked out I would get when I first came to Babble last July and someone would post a message with what struck me as strong suicidal ideation. Having just been recently released from a lock-up psych ward after slashing my left wrist open with a box-cutter, I'd get frantic after reading these posts. I'd write these long and desperate posts back trying to get them not to do anything like I did. I even wrote a very graphic poem about my own suicide attempt to try to wring out any notions of relief that people associated with the ultimate self-destructive act. These things were horrendous triggers even to someone who had actually gone through with it a mere two months earlier. So I do worry about how my bleaker statements will be taken. They don't seem that bleak to me at the time; I'm too far down in the abyss to judge things clearly. But as you said, later, I really regretted some of the things I told my family. My poor mother handles me like a piece of exceptionally delicate crystal these days. So I guess I can see it from both sides. Still, it's bloody hard to keep that kind of darkness from leaking out of me sometimes. Atticus


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poster:Atticus thread:439973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050106/msgs/441388.html