Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2004, at 0:46:55
I have a dilemma that I have been avoiding for some time. Every now and then it gets to me. I can't avoid making a decision, but I can avoid examining my reasons...
More than anything I want to go to the US to do a PhD. I can put together a competitive application but to do so I need to
- Get some people to say that they think I will be an excellent candidate.
I am not sure that it is fair of me to ask them because I can think of a few good reasons why I am not a good candidate.
I don't even know whether it is fair of me to apply.
- What are the chances that I'll complete? Not good. But then the chances I'd get as far as I have aren't so good either.
- What are the chances I'll be able to meet my work committments for 5 years without a problem (or 9)? Very bad indeed.
- What are the chances I'll get sick and be sent home in disgrace? Probably very good indeed.
I need to do the best I can to convince them I am the best applicant. But if they knew of my mental health history they wouldn't even look at me. I know it's illegal to discriminate - but what are the chances it will significantly intefere? Very good indeed. I would be asking for them to make a significant financial and time and effort committment to me - and when the chances are so slim that I'll be able to meet my end without a hitch I am not sure that it is even fair of me to be thinking of applying.
It will all only eventuate in virtue of 'extended student health insurance' at any rate. Is it even fair of me to apply for health insurance when it is foregone that I am going to be claiming on it pretty heavily indeed.
My FTW attitude has been what has gotten me this far.
But now I am starting to develop a social conscience... or something... not sure. Any advice? I don't know what to do. I just swing between honesty and despair and optimism and denial of my significant problems... Round and round we go.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:407293
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041016/msgs/407293.html