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Re: Did anyone *like* being in hospital psych ward

Posted by B2Chica on September 28, 2004, at 14:06:21

In reply to Re: Did anyone *like* being in hospital psych ward B2Chica, posted by iris2 on September 27, 2004, at 15:12:25

man, that is just horrible.
i understand. they were trying to have me committed as well, but didn't even tell me about it- they kept feeding me lines and finally when i met with a pdoc and nurse the pdoc kept asking the nurse when i'd get released (cuz i kept asking for specifics from him) well, she hesitated-looked at me like she didn't want to say anything infront of me but then said "dr.X (psychologist) said ABSOLUTELY NOT, that she is to be committed for inpatient long-term care at the 'institute'."
even the pdoc looked a little stunned. inside i was jumping out of my skin-luckily i was so stunned that all i could muster out of my mouth was "whhat?"
the pdoc paused a bit (he's 60 something and really relaxed/causual) leaned back and said slowly "dr.X said this? well i'll talk with her, but noo, i don't think she needs all that". then the meeting was over and assured me (once again) that i would be leaving anyday now.
i think i'm still terrified to my core about this Iris2. i can't even stand to think of it. i can say it coldly but i can NOT let my mind go there.
i'd say that the staff was all gaslighting me but then i'd be sounding paranoid. everything i did-if i cried=depressed, cheerful=manic or 'childish'as she wrote in my file, if i kept my cool=inappropriate affect, if i asked questions=paranoid.
they kept telling me to ask questions about being sent to the hospital (instead of this center) and because i did i found out later (by accident) that they considered me still high risk (suicidal)-i was floored and asked why-they said i was 'expressing it', again...floored i said -enraged but calm- how? i haven't tried to hurt myself? - they said no, you've been verbalizing it...yes, still floored i was "what do you mean verbalizing it? i never once talked about hurting myself in ANY way?!"
they replied, you've been consistently talking about going into the hospital...
can you hear my blood boil from here? THEY TOLD ME TO ASK ABOUT TRANSFERING THERE< AND THEY TOLD ME TO KEEP ASKING!!!!!!!!!!
and because i was, i was deemed suicidal!!
(again, with no one discussing this with me. all assumptions based on what?? i'll never know)

-i can only Pray that most of the staff looses their jobs and NEVER again works in the field of mental health.

i'm sorry about your nightmares, i can relate. my biggest fear growing up was the fear of being institutionalized...this experience was literally...LITERALLY my Worst fear playing out.
the first week i was out i was Constantly looking over my shoulder, i jumped at Everything. afraid to go into public restrooms, afraid to be around strangers-yet didn't want to be trapped at home, and yes i had several nightmares about that place, but i think mostly a fear of going to sleep (as if my sleep wasn't bad enough). i hardly slept when i was there and it's carried over.
i am better about the jumping thing, but still looking over my shoulder (though i've always had a degree of this).
but i'm still scared to death to tell anyone anything about how i REALLY feel?!
i mean, i had major trust issues before all this?
that place did NOTHING but Compound ALL my issues and i've sinced tucked everything back down and it's going to stay there! cuz i can't take that risk of being 'committed' EVER again.

-sorry to rant about me..
but it's like you said -EVERYTHING you did was 'her illness'. God forbid i should have some actual feelings of my own.
and it doesn't help when familly and friends (though trying to help i know) make things worse. one time during a (escorted) visit, my husband said i had lost a lot of weight and i needed to eat..I FREAKED OUT and changed the subject trying to shut him up! i just knew then they'd tack on 'eating disorder' as well.

rant done.
tired now.

please take care of yourself iris2.




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